September 12, 2005

To Everyone,

Some of you are probably wondering why I ended my life, some of you are probably angry at me, and some of you probably don't care. I think it's pretentious to write a suicide note, but it seems to be the thing to do. I don't possess the literary ability or vocabulary to adequately express the pain and hurt I feel inside and have felt for many many years -- this letter will just scratch the surface.

I woke up in a motel room in Moscow Idaho about two months ago with the realization that my life had strayed very far from how I always imagined it would be and that I didn't know how to correct it. I'm not exactly sure how I came to this point but I'm sure that it happened very slowly over a long period of time such that I didn't notice the changes.

I've thought of suicide and various points in my life since I was 15. My experiences in high school left me deeply scarred. I came away from those years feeling fundamentally broken and not good enough. I always thought I could shake those feelings in adulthood, and have learned various techniques to distract myself from them, but they still haunt me. As much as I've tried to rid myself of certain feelings I can't shake the idea that I'm not good enough and that I am unlovable.

I have never liked myself. When I look at myself in the mirror I see only flaws. When I am out in public, I compare myself to everyone I see and never measure up. I feel completely and totally crippled by my insecurities. Why would anyone ever want to love me when I can't even love myself?

In the last month and a half, I've woken up every morning and cried. I cry partly because I wake up at all and partly because I am in so much emotional pain. When I've thought of suicide in the past it has been more of a passing thought -- just an option. Two months ago I began to think about it again but more seriously. I spent a month searching for a reason to stay alive, watching people, traveling, thinking, trying to distract myself. I couldn't find a good reason and began to feel like more of an outsider as I watched happy people going about their happy lives. I spent the next month planning the details of my suicide while trying to appear as normal as possible. I simply began to disengage from life.

I have always been a stupidly optimistic person. I have always believed that people are fundamentally good at heart. I've always believed that love could heal me. I've always believed that I would find the "one" that I would spend the rest of my life with. The last few years have treated me to a series of incredibly painful experiences and disappointments with a few moments of pure joy in the middle. As I look back on those years I realize that I have only myself to blame. I am the only one responsible for my life and for my actions. The optimism I always held onto so proudly no longer exists within me. I feel like I have failed at so many things lately.

My first grade teacher once told my mother that I was the most creative child she had ever seen. Remembering that comment makes me smile and then makes me sad. I've used it as a measure of my life and feel like I've failed that teacher and myself. At one point I possessed a creativity that has been all but destroyed by my own insecurities and self-doubt. I used to believe that the creativity would return if I conquered those demons, but I'm now 32 and am haunted by the same things as when I was 22. I am a decade older and have very little to show for it.

I am incredibly sorry for any pain that I've caused anyone because of this. Not wanting to hurt my family and friends has kept me alive for a long time, but my pain has become unbearable. Please know that I have finally found the peace that I've been searching for for 17 years.

I am grateful for everyone who has been part of my life. Notwithstanding the pain, I've

had a pretty good life. I've met incredible people, I've fallen in love, and I've traveled

the world.

Peace,

Ryan

Songs express my feelings much better than any words I could write. Here is a list of some of those influential songs and movies:

Songs

World in My Eyes - Depeche Mode

This was one of my favorite songs in high school. I wished I could make my tormentors feel what they were doing to me.

Young, Free, and Single - Boney M

Just a great dance song -- from the days of Underground and Oz.

That I would be good - Alanis Morissette

Self-explanatory.

Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell

Just a beautiful song, I really don’t understand love or life and feel like a completely failure at both.

The Living - Natalie Merchant

Replace "bottle" with "battle". I have felt as if I have existed in my own world – far away from the living.

Perfect Time of Day - Howie Day

Another good "goodbye" song.

Loneliness Knows Me By Name - Westlife

Even though I have surrounded myself with people, I have still felt painfully lonely.

Weight of the World - Erasure

This is a song from high school. So appropriate then and now.

When I Needed You - Erasure

Another song from high school. The feelings from this song have never been directed to any particular person other than myself. I wish I could have been there for myself.

Hero - Darren Hayes

I think Darren Hayes and I have a lot in common. This song is so perfect for how I feel except that I don’t think people use me as a hero.

Crush (1980 Me) - Darren Hayes

To be back in the 80s...

God's Mistake - Tears for Fears

Love has taken me to my highest highs and my lowest lows. Is it really worth it?

Love and Attraction - Darren Hayes

I hate the gay community. Everyone is always on the look-out for someone better, people don’t treat others as human, having sex is a primary focus. It disgusts me.

Spiraling - Erasure

Such a good break-up song.

This Ain't What Love Is About – A1

Another good break-up song.

If You Could Read My Mind - Stars of 54

This is one of my favorite songs ever. My favorite scene from the movie is when Ryan’s character timidly steps onto the dance floor while this song is playing and loses himself in the music. This is how I feel when I dance – the dance floor is one of the only places where 1 have felt free. I probably should have gone into dance rather than computers.

Walking in My Shoes - Depeche Mode

Self-explanatory.

Funky Feet - Phil Fantastic

Just a good dance song.

Home - Erasure

Another one of my favorite songs. So beautiful. I used to listen to this song and fantasize about going "home" to a place where I loved myself and felt like a whole person.

Movies

Parting Glances

I always related with the main character from this movie.

Crash (2005)

Such a great movie about the current state of humanity in the US. To me this movie is less about racism and more about how people act/react when pushed to their breaking point.

March of the Penguins

Simply beautiful. It’s amazing to me what these penguins go through in order to bring life into the world. They risk their lives for each other. Such a stark contrast to Crash and to how selfish humanity is.

Imaginary Heroes

Just a good movie about life and the walls we build to keep people out.

Artificial Intelligence - AI

One of my favorite movies. About a boy who wanted to love more than anything in the world.