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I have not been on here since I heard of all this. I made a post then of my feelings. Wish you were still around to come down to Dallas for a weekend or week. I just moved up here with my job. I told you I was looking to go back into the military. I decided to take a government job instead and finish my degree. I am working for a Military command and it is a cool job. It is properly the best job I have ever had so far. I work Monday thru Friday and weekends off. Can actually come and go as I please, with a kick ass salary. Hoping soon to deploy over to Iraq for a whole year (I am really excited for that). I have read all the post on here, pretty cool. This is also the first time I have read the letter you wrote. Life is short and all we can do is remember and take what each person has gained from knowing you and grow our selfÕs. I am also finally finishing my BS in Business Management and Accounting. I am still single here and not really looking for much as of a relationship. I figure that will work out when the time is right. Plus, it means I am not putting my fist into any windowÕs when I get pissed, hehe. I still remember you calling me to tell me about some date u had got with this hot boy. I was eating pizza at the place he worked and before you could tell me where he worked or his name, I said ÒRyan you should see this cute boy.Ó It is something I will never forget it since we were talking about the same boy. Well anyways I hope you have found what you were looking for in your life and your family is doing well. Rob P.S. I actually have to dress up for this job. No jeans and t-shirts here. I clean up well. :) Brian M. Westbrook Site note: Thanks to those who pointing out the SPAM postings on this board... Apologies, but this isn't exactly the most robust guestbook (I wrote it in the hours following news of Ryan's passing, clearly not the best time to be writing code!). I'm going to keep an eye on the site, and if it fills up with SPAM again, I'll remove the posting ability -- but worry not! -- this would only be temporary until I can add SPAM blocking. The archive of comments will certainly remain. Feel free to write any questions (or email comments to add to the board) to me directly. Thanks for your patience. --BMW. watching the end of margaret cho tonight and as the credits started rolling a familiar face flashed on the screen, if only for a second. you were smiling and laughing, just like how it used to be, how it was suppose to be. i miss you so much ryan. Tony C Had a dream the other night and you were there. I forget where we were or who else was there, but it was great to see you again. Si Si I can't help but notice that less and less people write you these days. I don't know if I was affected the most or what. We were not best friends but you dated my best friend and we are friends no longer. Not after that day. I am feeling things you felt ten years before you acted upon them. I just want to know you are okay or better. I admire you for never turning to drugs or alcohol like me. I admire you for that. Sleep well tonight. I won't sleep. Jim When Steve Jobs unveiled the new Apple iPhone today, I couldn't help think of Ryan. Having been on the Newton team, he would have been giddy with delight...and first in line to get one! I miss you Ryan! Tod Si Si, do you mind emailing me sometime, thanks! Tod Alex Coupe Hi Ryan, its been a while since I wrote you, I still think about you every day and miss you terribly. I am no longer sad about your choice and I realise that for you it was the only choice you thought you had and I have come to accept that. I check in again soon. Gregory Cook Ryan, Well Remember New Years Night 1996. (The night we met). You came to the party at Vance's with all the guys from APPLE. WOW It seems like yesterday. We went out dancing together after the party and started our incredible friendship from there. I miss you very much. Happy New Years, sweet Ryan! Si Si I talked about you tonight. Today was the New Year. It was terrible for me. Nothing you missed. Just same sadness. I sat and watched everyone around me kissing and I thought to myself that I wish I had that. I thought to myself that I needed that in my life right now to continue going. I don't know what to think and I wish I could talk to you about it. Please come to me in my dreams tonight and help me.... Brian M. Westbrook Drinking O.J. -- your "super power weakness" -- and thinking of you. **hugs** --BMW. I can't say I think about you every day...I didn't know you well enough, so 'every day' probably isn't accurate. But damn close to it, and for you to have that much of an affect on people you didn't know - as is evident in the postings on this site - is incredible. Today is your birthday...I wish you were here to celebrate it. Dec. 12th will always be a special day because of you. Ry, I can relate to what you felt. I still feel depressed and sometimes wonder if life is as vague as it often feels. Optimism helps one believe that it isn't that bad, and that life is worth living. Sometimes it's questionable, but there always seems a reason to pull through. I wish you had found that reason, cuz it hurts like hell to know that you couldn't or for whatever reason didn't. I still wonder what I could've done to help... I want to say 'you'll never know how much people truly miss you' ...but that isn't true. You know it now. I just wish you could've seen it...we miss you, Ry! Lots of love. Take care... -Dec. 12, 2006 Happy Birthday, Ry...still think about you and miss you. Wish you were here... Jason Brown Happy birthday, Ry. So much happening to me that I wish I could share with you--I've moved back to Toronto and I'm getting married at the end of the month. I wish you were part of that. I love you & I miss you every day. Kelly A. Scott Happy Birthday Ryan, and happy for many that you were born. 'til we meet again... Natalie Not a day goes by that I don't think of you at least 20 times. Happy birthday, baby. I love you. happy birthday. i still think about you all the time. Gregory Cook Another Birthday is upon us my friend. It's just so weird to not get your ever thoughtful cards. I wonder if you even really liked the birthday cards I sent to you. RYAN, I miss you tons. Happy Birthday!!!! I'll be waiting for my card to come in the mail.... but knowing it will never come. Love ya man. Gregory I don't believe I've ever been so affected by the passing of someone who I never even had the chance to meet. Ryan knew a friend of mine, and that's how I heard of his death. I found this site dedicated to him, and I looked at the pictures posted and the moving words of the many that knew him. When I read the words in Ryan's farewell letter, it made me realize just how much I could relate to what he was saying. It makes me realize that I too, could have taken the same path at certain points in my life. I will forever remember him. I will think of him when I'm in need of strength. I feel like Ryan, although we never met, would want us all to smile and continue to live-on regardless of the challenges we are faced with. One thing I know for sure is this...Ryan must have been one heck of a fine person. Lake Washington just seems to sparkle more and more all the time and I believe his beautiful spirit has something to do with that. Justin S Ryan, I have been thinking about you alot lately and well I miss you.. Sometimes you are the only one who can help me through some issues.. Talk to you later bud.. Ryan I drive by your condo almost daily - in fact I pretty much live down the street from it now. I moved nearby about 4 months after you left us, and even still when I drive by my heart sinks knowing you're no longer there. I remember the random times we would meet up and you would let me be me and dish out all the good and bad things in my life without passing any judgment and only giving advice when asked. Ryan I miss you so much still, I hope you really are happier now. I know that you are at least keeping an eye on us and we feel it, thank you for always being there no matter even now. Si Si Dumas Hey Ryan, I wanted to say hi and thought this was the best way to do it. I just wanted you to know that I still think about you all of the time and talk about you like you were still here. Death is a funny thing you know. Even though you are absent your memories are engraved in me like it was yesterday. So in some ways you are here...they seem that real because at one time of course they were. My friend's dad died though and I don't feel the same way about him. I wonder why. Well, I really miss you and wanted to tell you so... Ryan.... is it any better where you are? I don't know how much longer i can take this crap. I have been feeling very alone and very depressed. Is there really any hope on the other side? Michael Jouver Just passing through. Had thought of you. Like I always will and do. Wanted to say hi, the only way I can. Still apart of my day Ryan. Catch myself wondering things I will never have answered. Wishes that will never be granted. So like everyone I keep moving forward. With some effort to do what you couldn't and take note of what could have been. Always loving you, keep watching over us all. Carlos Mellet I am so greatful for this site. Thank You guys for keeping it up. It has helped me so much especially when i'm missing him so much. We have so much in common as far the feelinds we share about Ryan. I respect everyone's feelings and opinions and the grief we feel is obvious. I hope that people that are having suicidal thought and read this site see what the outcome is and how it affects their family and friends and even people they don't even know. That they choose to share their feelings and emotions no matter how dark. That they find people who they can trust and talk about suicide freely . That they know that life is filled with strugles for everyone and that there's moments of pure joy and happines in between. I hope the choice is always LIFE . We are here for just a short period of time . Thank you again guys. we will always have this way to connect and share about our friend. we love him and miss him dearly. he will never be forgotten. PEACE KYLE Teater Ryan, I bought a mac. I'm in heaven... you were right all along PCs suck. I just got done staying at Craig's for nine days. Company that stays for more than a week is like cheese, it starts to stink after a long while. lol. At least I washed the sheets. Tod No problem Brian I really understand, I have my own site and have had issues so no worries whatsoever, I'm glad it's back up, it has helped a great deal, thank you, Tod Brian M. Westbrook Hey Tod -- sorry the site was down on the anniversary of RKR's death. I believe Kyle recap'd the site's history well... the site has helped many of connect, cope, and be a community. We can't do this alone -- nor should we. I regret the site was down during the anniversary (circumstances beyond my control I'm afraid), but it is back now and there are no plans to retire the site. Ever. --BMW. Tod Kyle and to the other person who responded to my post. Thank you! I shared my post with a few of my closest friends and then they shared with me some of their own experiences. One friend said that he never saw two of his good friends show suicidal signs a long time ago and both took their lives to the dismay of many. Another good friend of mine also reminded me of his boss who owned a company in Seattle took his own life leaving a wife and two kids, no signs whatsoever. He had everything anyone on this earth would want. Kyle, like you mentioned, Ryan made the horrific choice to do so and not his friends. I know you or anyone else would have stopped it if you could. I look at my life and I have had the same feelings before at times after getting help and maybe none of my friends would have seen it coming if I made that choice. Kudos to you and others who have created this Web site for Ryan. After reading all the posts for him, it just made me feel how anyone can hide their thoghts from all the friends he had. After sharing my feelings with my friends and looking internally at my own situation, I can see where this can happen. If I should pass, I hope something like this would be created for me. Lastly, to Ryan, I wish I can say hi and talk to you at R Place, you treated me like you did anyone else despite my disability, and I really hope you can read these posts somehow, rest in peace! Tod Jim If you have not yet seen the MEMORIAL PLAQUE given in memory of Ryan by his family, this Sunday (10/22) would be a good time. We are hosting the Total Experience Gospel Choir at the church for one combined service at 9:00am. They are amazing! Directions/map may be found by clicking the Announcements link above. KYLE Tod, I will add one thing to my best friend’s statement below. Ryan did this; not his best friends, not his family, not you - Ryan. We had no control and I refuse to claim that it was anyone’s fault but Ryan’s. He chose not to cry out for help or show his pain in the last days he was alive, and that was his decision. Had he given any indication to his best friends, many of whom were with him 24 hours a day the last week he was here, you are God damn right we would have done something. Brian Westbrook and I came up with the idea for this site on September 13, 2005. At the same time, we were all dealing with Ryan’s death, doing our best to plan his service and his wake. Brian poured a whole lot of his own time and effort into this site (it was up and running within just a few days) and he continues to maintain it today as a courtesy to Ryan’s friends and family. While it is too bad that it wasn’t up and running one-year later, it still serves its purpose. If there was anything to be said on September 13, 2006, it can still be said today…. KYLE Tod, thank you for your honest and frank post. First I would say, dont anticipate that you would not be remembered. I think you would be surprised by those around you. Sometimes you dont know the real them until something profound happens. Second I would say that Ryan hid things very well. Smoke and mirrors were the least of his arsenol of deception. Ask anyone that went on the camping trip the weekend before his passing. None of us expected it and we spent 24/7 with Ryan for 56 hours before he passed. I could go into detail about the clonapin overdose conversation I had with him on the Monday just prior to his death, I could go into the details of what we discussed about failed relationships. None of it matters. For the most part these are issues we deal with mostly every day and Ryan had a way of turning things around and making things sound like something it wasnt. In retrospect the few weeks prior to his passing were far less ominous that any serious issue with him I had discussed in the past. If anything would be a red flag for me in the future it would be a lul in the "oh my god moments". Honestly, I thought that Ryan had reached a point where he was ok with what was going on around him. I was terribly wrong, but at that moment that was my best and most honest reflection of the situation. I spoke with Ryan daily, many times a day really. I honestly felt he would have raised these concerns with me if it were really an issue for him. But he did not want us to know, he had an end in mind and he didnt want anyone to interfere with it. He didnt ask for help, he did not appeal to his friends, he was relentless in the followthrough of his plan. It is ironic that one of my closest friends now is struggling from a hereditary disease that could likely kill him. Its the same genetic disease his mom died of. He has every warning of it, and his close friends know everything about it. What does that mean for me? What can I do to change that? Unfortunately the answer is almost nothing. There is nothing that the medical community can do to change things. There is no cure to the genetic disease. How does that change things from Ryans situation? Unfortunately it doenst. I wish it did. I can be more comforting or throw more $$ at the issue but at the end of the day I cant change anything. And for me, that is the terrible and horific lesson of life that I was not nor still am ready to learn from. If I did learn anyting from this aweful situation is that suicide is not a solution for anyone, not least the victems, and certainly not for the person committing it. If anything it creates more issues and is disrespectful to those people that face death every day and have no choice in its outcome. Last question and I can answer it myself but still want to pose it, despite that the site was not up during his anniversary and all the literally hundreds of postings on this site, why didn't anyone know anything about his thoughts and eventual fate? I have read every single post and not one saw this coming. I wonder why since he supposedly had "good friends", "great travels" he had to give someone some type of clues? With so many friends of his that posted, if I was an outsider looking in, I would question all his friends for not knowing or at least trying to help him (Let's put this in real perspective, he could have hidden his true feelngs which is easy to do because I have done it but with so many friends how can it be hidden). I'm not accusing anyone but jeez with all these friends that didn't see this coming it's hard to imagine. With that said, a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist says that it's easy for people like Ryan to hold their true feelings even among their best friends which of course happened. I guess I want to express to Ryan if he can read this and others to really get to know the person and delve deep inside as possible about what they are thinking to prevent future tragedies of this nature. I've never seen so many friends he had and not ONE PERSON saw this coming. Once again it's easy to hide but most professionals will say that there would be signs and maybe this is the exception. With that said this string of posts has literally helped me with my personal problems and will prevent future suicides. I wish I had this type of outpouring for Ryan because if I'd die unexpectantly or even by suicide I woudln't have this kind of support. I would just be remembered and forgot after a month at least unlike Ryan here which I met once at RA Place and he's rememered every day. I don't think I would even be given that attention which is a tribute to Ryan to say the least!! I guess I just don't get it for now, but I can see where friends of mine would not know of my thoughts if I decided to do something irratiional, Tod Why was the the site down during his anniverary of his unexepected death? I would think more people would have posted comments during that time? Just curious because I knew Ryan not that well but wanted to at least make some statements during that time of his passing to help me grieve. With that said Ryan all the out pouring you have received I hope you realize you are missed here and unfortunately decisions made like yours can't be taken back!! I wish to god they can to see you again here on earth!! Michael Jouver Hey there Ry, the 'year' came and went. Fighting the good fight, still missing you, but things are better. I finally cried again the other day about it all. Didn't last long, but the pain still exists. I look forward to the next meeting babe. Be at peace. So its been a year. Well a little more than a year. So whos counting? What have I learned in a year? A heck of a lot really. I now know what the inside of the Harborview medical trauma unit looks like. I have learned that life is something that you live each minute and success is not defined in years but rather in days. I have learned that money does not take away the pain and that buying fancy cars and exotic vacations is only a distraction. I have learned that there are people that are in worse situations that you or I ever were, and yet they persevere. I respect them. I have made an oath to you that I will do whatever I can to help them. I have also learned a lot about our friends and only wish you were here for me to tell you about it all. Im sure you already know everything I would tell you, but nonetheless you would listen and have something smart to say. I miss that, dearly. Heres to your one year anniversary Ryan... Bobby H Hi Ryan, did you like the flowers we left for you on the lake a couple weeks ago? I hope so. Collin It's been too long since I've had a chance to get in touch- Eddie darling- it's Patsy, hope all is well, and Cheers! to the next thing we shall celebrate! Ryan would get it, and after a year we are all still healing, I hope that one day we can all come to a place where we can look back and learn from all of this. With all my love, I miss you Ryan. -Collin Kelly Scott the anniversary of your leaving was very tough Ry.... and the year was tough. heckuva lot I would have liked to talk to you about - passing the Bar, turning down a London LLM, instead heading to SAn Diego for one in federal criminal defense.. and I know you were thinking about law school... sometimes I feel like I'm trying to walk without one foot, mere stumbling along, you not being here. That someone so special could choose to leave taints all else, and always will. Trying to do good and be beter Ry, and missing you always, ya lil turd... Justin Shrader Hey Ryan, Its been a while since i posted here but just wanted to say I always think about you. I was going through my address book yesterday and I still can't delete your email. Remember sending me pics that i could put in my phone so when you called me it would pop up with your face. Yeah good times!!! Miss you Ry. Brian M. Westbrook To all your friends, Ryan -- apologies for this site being down. We're back online and still missing you. Toby and I broke up... I really wish you were there to listen. You were always good at that. A year has passed and it hasn't gotten any easier to forget you. Perhaps I never will. :( --BMW (aka. "Bri Bri"). Cameron Hey buddy.. just thinking about you as I do each time I light the candles in the morning. Found this and it made me cry. me and my brother tried to commite suicide together 8 months ago...we both took 145 tablets each...my brother ricky died...i lived...he gave me the tablets that didnt matter if i took 1000 of them they wouldnt make any difference and he took all the 800g tablets his body couldnt take it..i only vomited.. and i had to sit and watch my brother die...he was only 17..(im 15)i tried to save him but it was too late and now i have to live with that everyday of my life...but im guessin that he knew something i didnt...because a month ago i gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl called latisha perez( im half spanish)...and that means at the time me and my brother commited suicide i would have been just 2 months gone...i know my brothers looking down on me and latisha everyday...i thank god everyday for latisha but i cry everyday for the uncle she could of had...theres always other solutions rather than suicide.. you dont have to think about the ones taht will hurt if you die... becuase your pain is the most important but think of the future when these problems have gone and what you can have and if its over an ex or a boy or even a girl...the father of latisha left me when he found out about my brother...and he hasnt ever seen latisha but im in love now...with my fiance and hes a great father to latisha and has helped me threw all the bad times so just remember when theres nothing left..maybe its becuase your looking to hard...sometimes you just have to sit back and wait in life...everything comes together in the end..dont listen to the people that put you down or laugh at your problems...they dont know you...smile lift your head up and show them that your strong enough to rise above them...dont waste your life ..because in a few years you can show people that your worth more than they are and that youve made it through...be strong and think of the things youll miss out on..people come and go in our lives but its up to us whether we're srtong enough to let them go...xxx Christopher A. Pasco Last weekend was gay pride, and I was almost in tears at one point when I realized that Ryan would no longer be laughing and smiling and going around with our little group of friends. It just wasn't the same without you Ryan. Brian M. Westbrook News of another friends' death is about to shake up our community ... and I can't help but think of the day we all learned of yours, Ryan. I hope and pray his friends find the strength we found in yours. --BMW. Joshua Olsen Ryan's comments on a friend's suicide: "From: Ryan_Robertson To: "Josh Olsen" Subject: Re: The Josh-man Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 12:03:59 -0700 Reading the words "little Mike's death" made me shudder. It seems so distant to me but the words make it more real. I can't believe that he is gone. I was only in his presence for a short period of time, but I still can't believe he is gone. I've thought of suicide so many times in my life so I understand some of the internal hell he was going through. Honestly, it was my Mother and Erasure that kept me alive during those times. My mother because I knew it would kill her and Erasure because their music always gave me hope when I felt there wasn't any. FUCK! I wish the world weren't such a fucked up place that someone has to jump out of a building to escape from the pain. Please, please, please send the letter to Mike. He needs to read it. He needs see the words on paper. There isn't a single untruth in the letter and it is written in total honesty. Maybe it will jolt him out of his arrogance. Who knows. I'm so glad you had a chance to talk to his parents. I'm so glad you were able to fill in some of the holes. I can't imagine the pain, loss and confusion they feel right now. Ryan" Joshua Olsen Ryan, I haven't written because it doesn't really feel like talking to you. For months afterwards, I would reach for my cell to talk to you. I was calling you after you did it, before I knew. I've been trying to deal with my anger about your decision. If there was anyone that knew everything about your life it was me. I know why you didn't tell me, but I can't believe you came to see me in Monterey before doing it. You slept in my bed, ate with me, the usual. You called me your husband. I knew all your dirty secrets. I listened to every boyfriend drama, mortgage problem, med change, you name it. You said we'd retire to the south of France. You said you'd visit me every-time I was in Italy. I was the guy that got you. The $500 phone-bill from Brazil. You weren't afraid to cry in front of me, have a panic attack in front of me, to be ugly. You didn't run from me, you turned off the phone when I asked. Why Ryan? I got another credit card offer for you last week. It just sits on the table. You were such a big part of my life. Now what? How many years will you be on my credit report? How long will it take me to finish up our BA account miles? Will I ever have a relationship like this again? This is killing me Ryan. It's not getting better, the mourning just continues like waves on a beach. I defended your HIV status, somehow proving how well I knew you. No one knows who I am except your ex that met me. He consoled me (or tried) at your memorial. He said that my loss was so much more than his because of our connection. Throughout all of your relationships, I was there. I was your anchor and you let go. My strength wasn't enough for both of us. Michael Jouver Ryan, there isn't a day where I don't think something about you. About our friendship, memories or what has happened. Its the dull pain in my head and my heart and I miss you so much. I still ask myself the questions that will never be answered. I will always wish for more time. Craig We went camping this weekend. A group of about 10 of us, to Lake Chelan, to the same site/s we were at last time. Against everyones expectations, Kyle did not fall into a fire, I did not yell excessively at out neighbours, Collin did not get blitzed at Red Robbin and no one wrecked a jet ski. I did however finally win a game of Risk. Chateau Taylor was supplemented by Chateau PellePasco. Ryan, it just wasnt the same without you. I didnt really expect it to be, but then I didnt expect to miss you so much. There will be no more Lake Chelan camping for me. Peace Ryan. Natalie It's my birthday today. It's not quite the same this year. Miss you. Jim Carter It's been six months since we lost Ryan. I think about him every day and miss him so much (especially since it's almost Seadoo season)! In July, there is an amazing event happening in San Francisco called Out of the Darkness Overnight. Over 2000 people will walk 20 miles from dusk till dawn to raise money to support suicide prevention and education. I will be walking for Ryan. Please come join me and we can form a "Ryan Team" or sponsor me in Ryan's memory. It's easy. Just go to: http://www.theovernight.org/fundraising/jimcarter 85 degrees tomorrow Ryan. Looks like summer is starting early... where has the year gone? It seems like just yesterday I was having the best summer of my life, in part because of the memories I shared with you. Autumn, winter and spring have passed by so quickly, I thought I would have this time to mourn and get over things. I never imagined seeing the summer approach and come to the realization that you won't be here. I'm sorry Ryan. Tod From Jermey's message I have a lot ro say. I met you Ryan at Rplace at one time, and I'm so sorry to hear you took your own life. Later this week I'm going to share my story so that if anyone on this email chain is thinkng the same about taking his own life I hope my words will be healing words to everyone that reads it. Let's put it this way, if I had the chance and did comnmit suicide from what my family knows went I went through, they would have been sad but understable. With that said I will share some light on the subject so anyone reading this it will hopefully help them! Tod Jeremy Wow Ryan-- Have you ever played that game late at night where you Google for different people's names from your past? People that you always wondered, "What ever happened to...?" That's how I found your website, seven months after you left. I worked with you at Newton, way back in 1997. Your office was around the corner from my cubicle. I was fresh out of college and landing a job at Apple, even if it only was as a lowly contractor, was a dream come true. If I ever considered suicide myself, the biggest selling point for me was being able to look down and see all the people I knew, see them be sorry for not having treated me more nicely. But in a sort of inverted Pascal's wager, I always ended up figuring you only had everything to lose betting that there would be that kind of an afterlife, and so suicide wasn't worth it. All the same, right now I hope that you can look down and read all these entries, read all of the minds of all the people you ever knew, so that you can know how loved and admired you were. For instance, now you know about the time I went out on a date with another ex-Apple guy a few years after I worked with you, and we both discovered that we had had secret crushes on you. Or about how when I was still at Apple, I would go to a friend of mine's office down the hall and she and I would gossip about you. "He's objectively cute," she said once about you, and I have never seen anyone else since who fits that description so well. Now you know that you were secretly famous. Maybe you suspected it while you were alive, but you felt frustrated that you were never able to reap the rewards of fame. One of the funny things about the gay world in particular is that the guys who radiate so much charm, beauty, and self-confidence can be some of the loneliest people on earth. Everyone thinks they have got it made, so no one ever approaches them. A bittersweet tragedy: people talk about them behind their backs, but to say nice things, not mean things. The things people are too shy to tell them to their faces. So anyways, now you know about how you persisted in my memory, almost ten years after I worked with you. When I think of you, I think of one of the things you did that nearly made me melt-- when you pulled yourself up the outside wall of my cubicle, your grinning head bobbing above the edge, to ask me a question: "Jeremy, how do you spell 'copious'?" I know from reading your friends' entries that you liked to hang out in London-- I wonder if you ever came to Amsterdam, where I live now. It would have been funny to run into you. Michael Jouver Hey Ryan, I was just thinking about you. Kinda talking to you in my head, listening to music that struck the chord to drop a message. I miss you like crazy, still doing my best though. Love you. Justin Shrader I am in Thailand. Not sure if you ever got a chance to come here, but I do believe you would love it here. Very Very Beautiful. Miss you. Brian M. Westbrook Back in London. Remembering your letters from here the week we met. *shrug* --BMW. Justin Each time I read your site, I find myself reading your letter everytime. I can't help but to notice how it seems we had the same child hood. Given I am still young maybe you whe you were 22. The differece is YOU helped me think different about things. I just wish I could have helped you Ry. I still wish I came over to watch that movie with you and Jim. I MISS YOU!! Cameron It still feels like the day I found out about your passing. Here it is seven months, to the day, and I still feel the initial shock and pain in my abdomen every time I think back to that dreadful call. I miss you buddy, each and every day. We all do. I hope you are having a blast these days. Making plenty of new friends along the way I'm sure. It is almost boating season. I am so excited. Cameron It still feels like the day I found out about your passing. Here it is seven months, to the day, and I still feel the initial shock and pain in my abdomen every time I think back to that dreadful call. I miss you buddy, each and every day. We all do. I hope you are having a blast these days. Making plenty of new friends along the way I'm sure. It is almost boating season. I am so excited. Imagine a place were you can't hirt where your tears will be wiped away and you will cry no more and this place will be like dream but it will not be a dream it will be there when your gone WM All these months later and I still find myself continuing to visit this site. For once in my life, there aren't any additional words left in my lexicon to convey the emotions I continue to feel... I miss you! Gregory Cook Ry, I found that birthday card that you gave me for my 35th. All I could do is sit and cry, one because of the beautiful things you said to me, two because I'll never be able to thank you for touching me so deeply. SO saying thanks here is the best I can do at this point. Ryan I miss you sooooo much. Ryan i understand where you were coming from in your letter, and i feel the same pain you felt nearly everyday. Your letter is like many letters i've written but never follow through on over the years. I'm sorry that it became too much and you felt suicide was your only option left, I hope I never get to that point myself. You always made me smile when you were around and i love ya for it, I hope you found the peace you were looking for, because i know how much of a toll the torment and depression can take day to day. D I just turned 33 ry and of course i thought about you...i was shopping at madison market the other day and was struck by sadness once again...two boys that worked there had been killed....again it made me think how fragile life really is...i try to value each and everyday as much as possible...i also try to tell the people i love to do the same...but i must admit some days i really understand why you did it..life is hard and its filled with bullshit that we have to face..yet i carry on the best i can...i miss you always and it still hurts(i suppose it always will)...on a happy note i'm working on my shit and trying to become a better man..(i hope your not watching and laughing at my progress)...also i saw someone you loved the other day...he looked quite pretty and he was walking a small dog...aaahhh youth...i love you ryan... Justin Shrader Sorry March 31st Justin Shrader Today is May 31st on the side of the world I am on. I just was thinking about you and reading your site daily. Just wish, when I arrived back home in seattle I could just call you and say HI. MISS YOU Robert Ryan; I did not know you very well, but I have know your family for some time now. I watched your brothers Chase and Adam grow up. Now Adam is getting married. I wish you were here to celebrate with him. I know they miss you and loved you very much. Brian M. Westbrook Ry Ry, I have nearly 50 emails that for whatever reason I saved. Remember the questions? You brightened my life then, and continue to do so now. I have no idea where this is going, so many months later, or what this site will mean in the months and years to come... but I find comfort. It's my hope that others do as well. I put on my (re-)reading list "Prayers For Bobby". I'm scared to think there could be a book called "Prayers For Ryan". --BMW. Kelly Scott Well Ry, you just 'got' a trio of rabbits (www.heifer.org). I know I know, it wasn't on your wish list, but frankly ya dork, your early September departure sort of cost you your vote, so there. Somewhere there's a family wondering who or what the hell an 'RKR' is (course, some wondered the same thing in Seattle). Would have gotten the gift 'round Christmas in your name, but was broke and an emergency appendectomy slowed me down a mite. I know you can empathasize: my scar is prettier than yours too. I remember you often Ry, will always, and will always ponder how I could have been a better friend, with less ego in the way of it. This is also how I have chosen to remember you. Next year you're highly likely to 'get' a pig. R. Clio Robertson( Ryans Dad) Craig, I still read this web site every week! I have not yet been able to say goodby to Ryan. A very large hole is still in my heart which will probably never go away. Craig Taylor In a few days here this will be six months. "That I would be good, even if I did nothing, that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down"..... Was I ever good Ryan? Was I a good friend? I still wonder what I did wrong. I still wonder how things could have gotten so bad for you that you decided to leave us. I still remember talking to you the Monday before you left us, I still wonder what I should have done to help you. I still wonder, about life and about death. I wonder if anyone still looks at this website, I wonder if people still think about you as I do. I wonder about the meaning of life, I wonder about the meaning of death. "So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way, I looked at clouds from both sides now. I really dont know clouds at all. I really dont know life at all." Its almost time for our next scooby dinner. Its going to be just terrible without you there, but in all reality you will be there in spirit. In a few weeks we will most likely be doing a trip to moscow and dammit, no rules will change, we will use the same scooby score card and we will follow the same routine, not to honor you, but to honor us, and the love we shared as our group of friends. We miss you ryan. "I really dont know life at all". Craig Taylor In a few days here this will be six months. "That I would be good, even if I did nothing, that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down"..... Was I ever good Ryan? Was I a good friend? I still wonder what I did wrong. I still wonder how things could have gotten so bad for you that you decided to leave us. I still remember talking to you the Monday before you left us, I still wonder what I should have done to help you. I still wonder, about life and about death. I wonder if anyone still looks at this website, I wonder if people still think about you as I do. I wonder about the meaning of life, I wonder about the meaning of death. "So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way, I looked at clouds from both sides now. I really dont know clouds at all. I really dont know life at all." Its almost time for our next scooby dinner. Its going to be just terrible without you there, but in all reality you will be there in spirit. In a few weeks we will most likely be doing a trip to moscow and dammit, no rules will change, we will use the same scooby score card and we will follow the same routine, not to honor you, but to honor us, and the love we shared as our group of friends. We miss you ryan. "I really dont know life at all". Michael Jouver Time moves on and I have done some moving on myself. I still think about you every day Ryan. I don't know how long it will be before I give up the hope of being able to change what happened. You have a piece of my heart and I will always try to be the kind of great person you were. There are still those moments when I'd flip my phone to your number to call you or text about something and realize all I can do is think it in my head. I know you hear it somehow, I only wish you could respond. I love you babe, always will. Ryan the HRC BOwling event was pretty much a success this year. I remember trying to get you to go last year but you were going on a little trip to the UK. How quickly time passes. Justin Shrader Back on my ship once again, I just wish you could be with friends and loved ones. God knows we wish we could be with you. Natalie I found a postcard from you tonight that I didn't even know I had - it is nearly three years old. Right now I am so happy that I hardly clean out that basket. I love you and miss you dearly... wish you were here. COLLIN AND KYLE RYAN: Collin has managed to get me totally trashed and, just so you know, we have solved ALL of life's problems. I am getting a Mac (tawlk amoungst yoursellllvesss) PCs Suck. I need a boyfriend. It was sunny today but so cold that we had to wear double the underwear... which for Collin meant switching to lace. You are so beatiful to me, Love you - KYLE Tony C Happy Valentines day Ryan I'm sending out lots of love in your name today Justin S Im going to Canada this weekend, wish you could go. Love you Ry Well in the end he did what he wanted to do. Reasons and excuses don't negate what happened. The choice to end his life was his alone and it's a choice we all have. Shawn It's January 28th and I just learned of Ryan's death through this site last night. I'm in schock. I'm still hoping this is some cruel joke. We were acquaintances, not really friends, though I always wanted to be. I first met him in 1999 at a friend's party. I have seen him sporadically through out the years online, at RPlace, at the airport, and at Pride. He always seemed to pop into my life. For a long time, I had such a crush on him. He was beautiful inside and out. I can't fathom how this could have occurred. He truly seemed to have it all: looks, intelligence, compassion, success, and most importantly, a plethora of friends and a loving family. How could he have felt alone? Those of you that knew him in his last months, please help me to understand what he was going through. Please tell me there was more to his pain than just not having found "The One" at age 32. Lots of people, gay and straight, are in that position. Also, there was some mention of an article on him in Seattle Gay News. Was there also an obituary in the Seattle Times. Please feel free to email me on any of this, including a link to the SGN article. I want to come to some sort of understanding. My deepest sympathies to his family and fiends. Collin H It's just those little things that keep reminding all of us of just how lucky we really were to have met and maybe some of us to "know" Ryan. It's a loss that I still deal with, and I am sure I always will. But at the end of the day, he will always make me smile. *Smooches Poodle* Brycen Hunter 4 months to the date. It's Friday the 13th and so far it's been raining all year. Brycen Hunter 4 months to the date. It's Friday the 13th and so far it's been raining all year. Wendy D. I feel such sadness for your brother and your mother and dad and all your family because the pain they are going through I dont want to say it's worst than your friends but they knew you since birth and their pain will last a life time. I hope they will all know that Ryan loved them and I hope everybody heals the best way they can. You are an angle Ryan. Wendy D. I feel such sadness for your brother and your mother and dad and all your family because the pain they are going through I dont want to say it's worst than your friends but they knew you since birth and their pain will last a life time. I hope they will all know that Ryan loved them and I hope everybody heals the best way they can. You are an angle Ryan. Dusty Oh Ryan, I finally just got to see the photo montage you made. I feel very honnered to be in it. I Love you and miss you very much. I pray that you found Peace in the Light. Justin S Hey Ryan, just at work at 2:30am thinking about you. I miss you bud.. Just thinking of all the parties and fun you will miss this year. How so many thing are so different with out seeing you around. Miss you . Love always. Gregory Cook Happy Anniversary!!! It's been ten years since we first met that New Years eve. You were my midnight kiss, damn don't I wish I could have givin you another this year. I'm angry that I'll never be able to give you one. You are always going to be part of me, thank you for coming into my life, so sorry you left it. Kelly Scott Thanks to the webmaster and those who help with this site: it's helped. Another year, Ry. What can I say? Simply missing checking in on you, seeing more wrinkles around your eyes, laugh lines, growth.... making sure you were 'taken care of' for another holiday. You're a touchstone of sorts now, then again, you always were, at least in doing my best for other things than toys and boys. Talking to you again will one day be so sweet..... Brad Thomas Ryan, Haven't been online in a while, finally moved out of my old apt! About time huh? I live on the hill now, as you always told me, "Gay central". Turned 21 in november and wished you could have been there to celebrate it with me, even if you never drank. I really dont remember much of the night, had you been there you would have surely told me ever last detail. I wanted to say that i miss you so much and think of you daily. Seems a bit odd to drive across the water to work, I blow a kiss everytime i cross the 90, this way there is never a day i dont think of you. Happy belated birthday! Wish you were here for the holidays and the new year. Love you, miss you! Nick Nussbaum I ran into Jason on Christmas eve outside Starbucks on Capital Hill. He was up visiting from San Diego and told me about Ryan's death and this website. Oddly enough I last saw Ryan the previous Christmas week outside the same Starbucks. I had lost track of him and he gave me his phone number which I lost. I tried to find him several times over the last year, but failed. Reading his letter makes me feel bad that I hadn't tried harder. I met Ryan years ago in Broadway market. He recognized I was reading Apple documentation and he was in the midst of his passion for the Newton. Although I didn't really move in his socieal set he was a friend at a very bad time in my life, and I'm sorry I couldn't be there for him this last year, even though I am not arrogant enough to think that I could have changed his mind. I'm going to miss him a lot. He was a brave and generous man. Not-so-happy new year. David Ryan, it's hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that a new year is starting and you won't be around to share in all the possibilities. The realization that you are gone hurts less and less with each passing moment, but that doesn't mean the pain of losing you will go away. I am, however, learning to laugh and love again, and trying to recall memories of you and I filled with laughter and love, because I think that is how you would have wanted it. I still miss you big guy, but I will have an extra toast tonight for you in your honor, and dance with a little more enthusiasm just thinking about you and the four wonderful years I had you in my life. Here's to 2005 Ryan, lets usher in 2006 with love... Cheers! Justin Shrader I have done nothing Ryan but sometimes sit around and think about you, on how much I see my life just like yours. My childhood and such. Maybe even my future.. work wise. One thing I do know. You have changed the way I view LIFE and I thank you for that daily.. I love you Ryan.. Michael Jouver Merry Christmas Ryan, still doesn't feel right without you. Watch over us in the new year. XO Justin Shrader Merry Christmas Ryan.. I sure do miss you! Amber Ryan, I didn't know you... I wish I had though. You have made such an impact on so many people's lives. Just keeping up with this site and watching everyone who love you as they grieve has made a huge impact on me. I hope you are somewhere better having the time of your life. Everyone loves you. To Ryan's Friends and Family : The holidays are always so hard after you lose someone. Especially someone as great as Ryan. I just want to say Merry Christmas to all of you. My prayers will be with you this holiday season. Amber Eric E At Lake Chelan this past September, Ryan, W, C, and I snuck away from our camp site and drove into town for lunch. We stopped at the local greasy spoon next to a dock. After we got our food, someone (I think C) clumsily dropped a hot piping cheese stick in the parking lot. Anticipating lost food, about a dozen gulls hovered over the food stand and a quick one grabbed the stick almost before it hit the ground. Now I look at gulls and think they're not only dirty and noisy but big cheese stick lovers too. And I have Ryan to thank for that. Jim In response to Kelly Scott and other who might be interested: Ryan does have a final resting place that you can visit. A service of committal was held for him on Lake Washington. His ashes were distributed by his brother Chris, his mother Caroline, his stepfather Fred, Skyler, and Jim. The best way to visit is to head to Madison Beach. His final resting place is about twenty-five feet beyond the swimming area. The beach/park is a nice place to sit and remember the many wonderful times shared with Ryan. Sunday after the committal service, Whitney, Kyle and I returned to the site to drop flowers...by way of Seadoo, of course! :-) Everyone mourns the death of this beautiful man in their own way. ry- Brokeback Mountain comes out this friday...i'm sad i can't ask you to go see it..i miss you...i never told you how beautiful you were this summer...but you were...god i hope you have found the peace you deserved when you were here. C Please understand this site is reserved for those of us who are here to remember and/or communicate with Ryan. None of us are here to say we are stronger or weaker than Ryan. If you need help, please seek it via another avenue. I've got a jackass of an ex-boyfriend who screwed me over so many times in so many ways I can't even begin to describe. I have no money because I tried to help him because my life just became all about him so I helped him get out of debt and for the first many months we were together he did not work at all and I got laid off and the only way I (we) could survive was by draining my 401K money and now I have a new job which is completely senseless that pays practically nothing because my boss is a cheap asshole who's totally loaded himself (both with money and shit) and I have to fight to get him to pay for a freaking doctor visit. My car is the same one I've been driving since I bought it in 1993 and it's starting to get all sorts of things wrong with it and I don't have any money to get it fixed much less get it licensed. I e-mailed both my parents and told them that I can't buy gifts this year for Christmas so just call me instead on Christmas Day so we can talk because to me that's what Christmas is about this year...the fact that we're all still alive and I wasn't sent to this stupid freaking war that this god awful president of ours started (and he caused 9/11 too) but everyone is too stupid to figure it out or do something about it because the world has become so full of narcissistic selfish greedy polluting idiots who just don't care that we can no longer eat the fish and drink the water and swim in the ocean and breathe the air and have sex because it kills us, and on and on and on. None of us here alive on this earth right now were intended to live the way we are living now. Why, o dear lord why, won't God intervene? WHY??? I worked my ass off to take a week vacation in Mexico (unpaid) where I cut my foot on the beach and I wound up with a bacterial infection of some kind and/or because I played around with some damn stripper while I was there and now it burns when I piss. I have a dr. appt. at 4:30, by the way. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to pay for it. My house is a mess. My clothes are a mess. My shoes...I won't even go into that. I hate my job. I hate the fact that I have a manipulative ex-boyfriend whom I loved more than I could ever be capable of loving anyone, and I can't get him out of my head. And I have to live with the fact that I didn't like myself any better to put a stop to it all and I let him do this to me. I have no idea how I'm going to move on. I have no idea how I'm going to pay my bills. I have no idea what the hell I should do with my life. Nothing has gone as planned... NOTHING! But do you know what? I'll never stop trying to make it better. Kelly Scott As ever, I miss you terribly Ry. Sometimes I wish it were your version of 'Its A Wonderful Life' and you could come back that I might take you through the differences you have made, and you'd realize how many more you would make, and stayed. I can't. The crying has ebbed, the longing and emptiness has and will not. Now I understand gravesites: a ritualistic place to talk to departed loved ones. And damn it boy, you haven't got one... ..but I talk to you anyway.. ..often. I think too of guilt: did I affirm you enough? Did I let you know how much I valued you, so much that above all else I couldn't bear your absence, so much that'd you have confidence to simply open up? Did I fail to check in often enough? Should I have refused your bland 'Doin' all right's and bulled through to what was really going on inside you? Laid out new horizons and taken you on them? Guilt.... and I won't let that happen with any others. But of course also, all that is a small thing, paling besides the simple fact that I can't see you now for what to me will be a long time. But as for now thirteen years, and will be for always, happy birthday, cuz I'm glad you were born. Chris Luton ~Robertson, I am going to make an attempt Ryan. This has been tough for me... As well as for others... Others whom i've not really been in contact with. I am as always at a loss for words. I love you so much and think about you everyday. Happy Birthday! I know that I haven't said anything. I miss you so much. I see people I know through you, not people I know. I know that they know me... Yet I shy away. wordless, heartless and think about how much my life was different knowing you and how much it is different not knowing you. I was really stoked that you were going to Vegas with us in Sept. I am sorry that I went. I am sorry that I didn't change my flight. I think it's the way that you had planned it. maybe. You were so influential in so many aspects in my life. I miss your continuous input, your constant laughter and the times that we'd ask ourselves what we'd be like when we were in our 60's.. Would we still be this fun? I am sorry that in your last weeks I was not there for you as a friend. We had distance and I know you were upset that Doug and I didn't go camping. I wanted to be there. Sometimes I guess I just need to be shaken. You've done that to me. I love you Ryan. Always. Luton-san (The i-pod-u jokes aren't the same without you.) Ryan - Madison Park was beautiful today (a bit cold though), I can't believe I haven't been back there since the night of your passing, it's hard for me to visit that place now without remembering and thinking about you. If you listened hard enough you could still hear the sounds from this summer, cute boys taking their shirts off, splashing around in the water, and your laughter that I miss so much. Anyways I left you a gift on "our" bench, I hope somehow it manages to get to you. Peace honey. hey honey, happy birthday. whatever happened to our plan to host a joint birthday party, remember you wanted to get me inundated with the gay community (you were always looking out for me). in any case i'll make my birthday wish for peace and love and understanding, all the things you wanted, and dedicated it in your honor. thank you for making me want to be a better human being, i love you always and rejoyce in my memories on this special day! Skyler Happy Birthday baby. I drove by your place today and thought of everything that had happened there. I wish I could knock on the door and see you, and tell you happy 33rd. I miss you so much. Gregory Cook My 40th birthday, Has arrived, Yours is here as well. Remember what we said we were going to do? Guess I'm left to do it all alone, what a crappy birthday this is...... The 11th. Alex Coupe I just got an electronic reminder that its your birthday on the 10th. Time is starting to heal the wounds but not a day goes by that I don't think about your or something reminds me of you. Anyhow, happy birthday kiddo you are constant reminder to me of the fragility of life. Love always! Alex Justin Shrader I was Jims house yesterday watching Desperate Housewives. Wish you where there.. Miss you RY.. Justin I know I didn't know you terribly well. I regret that. I wish I'd known you were struggling. I would have emailed, I would have reached out, I would have tried to know you better and give you somebody to talk. Somebody that you likely could have related to on the issue, and perhaps I could have helped. I had thoughts of suicide in my life, as I'm sure many people have - I just never acted. I wish you hadn't. Again, I'm not terribly sure why, because hell, I didn't even know you that well. But dammit, I miss you and still think about you often. I hope you're doing alright and have found the solace you were searching for. I continue to miss you, and will not forget you. You were and are still loved by many, no matter what doubts you may have had! BMW The holidays are here. But where are you? I miss you Ry Ry... :( Aaron Ryan, You show up in my thoughts more frequently than anyone could realize. Your death has changed me and I am trying to make sense of it. I want so badly to enjoy my own life, and for everyone else to enjoy theirs. I pray for you every night Ryan. Your name now sadly placed on the list of lost loved ones will never be forgotten. I hope that you know this, and I hope you realize that you've left behind a great number of people with saddened and troubled hearts. We love and miss you. Michael Jouver Nearing the time that we would have met for the first time. Not even a year knowing you, yet it felt and feels like a lifetime. Yet now it will feel like a lifetime or more until we meet again. Things have been better and yet I finally opened the video to see what I missed and see again what I did and I cried harder than I have in a while. I think about you constantly. Places we've been, things we've done, conversations we've had. I pray you are safe and at peace. You changed my life so drastically leaving my life as you did coming into it. I want to continue to learn and live, someday fulfilling my dreams and understanding yours. Ryan, there is always a place filled with love for you in my heart. ...and that part in your letter where you wrote "and some of you probably don't care"...well you were just plain wrong about that... Ryan, I realize that guys can be shallow, and there are many gay ones that have their priorities completely out of whack, here in Seattle and everywhere else. No, it's not just in Seattle by the way. But good Lord, was it worth killing yourself over? You left a lot of people in pain, Ryan. Even me. And I never met you. You let the bastards get you down...way down. Down so far you could no longer see it to pull yourself out and move forward. It scares me that something like that can happen to a person. Perhaps that's the biggest lesson you've left us all with. I'm so sorry. I'll forever wish things would have worked out differently for you. I think about you all the time. Go to the light and find peace, oh handsome man. I know you're never very far away. -Just some [gay] guy you never met. Dillon Ry-so i was really getting over this...i swear..and then our acupunturist asked about you, and there i was with needles in my back crying again..the following day there was this guy in the video store that looked like you and i freaked for a second...lets not talk about the dreams..all i know is i miss you and i keep expecting the phone to ring and you leaving a silly message about your hair..Logan came in for a cut and of course, all we could talk about was you..(i'm sure on some level you love that!)...Marc came in and we kinda avoided the subject(but i know he misses you)...also your former str8 co-worker that stares at my dick as i cut his hair(as if i don't notice)came in.. god you were suppose to seduce him! I find myself still struggling to be a good person and to find joy in the mundane aspects of life...i did spend some time(in your honor of course) persuing our favorite hobbie(you know the one and i know in my heart that you approve)....you always told me that big cock made everything better..not this time...i tried using sex, and shopping and anything instant gratification wise to numb me from my unhappiness...ya know what? It doesn't work...people still suck in seattle and our addictions don't ease that...So Ry i have been going to acupuncture once a week..i'm on herbs..i'm trying to find the joy..really i swear...my eight year relationship is going better..after you left, i realized that if you have someone who loves you, its better to fight and hold on as hard as you can, then to take them for granted and try and look for the next best thing(the gays are always looking for the next best thing)...i don't want to end up regretting the way i've conducted myself...I miss and love you ryan...i wish you could have seen that it would have been alright...anyone of the people on this page would have held you until the pain went away..now we are left with that pain.. C Still and always will miss you. My world has been forever changed. I keep coming back... again and again... ...your voicemail got disconnected... Skyler Babe you always made fun of me for not being able to sing, but beyonce can, and this makes me think of you: I love you. Baby I love you You are my life My happiest moments weren't complete If you weren't by my side You're my relation In connection to the sun With you next to me There's no darkness I can't overcome You are my raindrop I am the sea With you and God, who's my sunlight I bloom and grow so beautifully Baby, I'm so proud So proud to be your guy You make the confusion Go all away From this cold and messed up world. I am in love with you You set me free I can't do this thing Called life without you here with me Cause I'm Dangerously In Love with you I'll never leave Just keep lovin' me The way I love you loving me. Every time I see your face My heart smiles Every time it feels so good It hurts sometimes Created in this world To love and to hold To feel To breathe To love you. Dangerously in love Can't do this thing I love you , I love you, I love you I'll never leave Just keep on loving me I'm in love with you I can not do I cannot do anything without you in my life Holding me, kissing me, loving me Dangerously I love you Dangerously in love. Scott P. I read of Ryan's death only few days ago in the SGN. While I didn't know him personally, I do recall seeing this very handsome man about town. I know it sounds strange but now I'd wish I had said hello. Reading about his tragic death and seeing his impact on many lives on this website of those who did know him is to me profoundly sad. My heart goes out to his large circle of family and friends. RIP, Ryan. You were obviously a beautiful man inside and out. Michael Jouver Seemed like everyone was out last night, all it needed was you. Everyday seems like it needs a little bit of Ryan and I think its does, just not in the way I/we would all like. Still miss you as much as ever, but carrying on because that's the thing to do. XO Brian M. Westbrook Halloween just wasn't the same without you... Patrick In the early 90's I lost some friends due to a fairly new disease. I thought that their passing was stupid and a complete waste. I felt lost and scared and completely out of place. I'm having those feelings again. We won't forget you Ryan, but man, this is just wrong, for lack of a better word. Justin Shrader The more and more time that goes by, I am slowly getting over Ry leaving us. Just know Ryan you are greatly missed and we want you back.. Love you buddy. Jane We knew each other what seems forever ago, but memories of you always bring a smile to my face. driving around in your sassy green Honda Del Sol; blaring Erasure from your office across the hall from mine; the fresh perspective you brought to our group about life and how to treat each other; your handsome, handsome self and the sometimes mischievous glint in your eye. I hope you have found the peace. self-love, and ease you so deserved in this life. Whitney McGill Today I saw a rust colored Element (I see them EVERYWHERE) and for the first time, I smiled. Usually my eyes fill with tears, but today, it was just happy memories that filled my head. There are so many great memories I am left with, but I want more. I can't hold memories or take them to lunch. I want the real thing. Ryan K. Robertson I want you back! rachel i feel weird posting on here, because i didn't know ryan at all. i do, however, work at the store where he rented the tank. i received the call from his family about it, and i was there when they brought it back. they didn't specify what had happened, but i already knew. i didnt know what to say, i'm a nobody to them. but i know what it's like to feel there are no other options, and i wish i could describe how much pain his death has caused me, even as a stranger. i hate that i inadvertently helped him do this, and i hate that i didnt know what was going on. i hate that i couldn't say anything to his family. today the same thing happened again with someone else. i dont know him either, but i remember him very clearly. he was one of the nicest customers i'd had all day, made me laugh, was patient with me in my overworked and overcaffeinated state. how could i have known? when someone else came in to return that tank, she asked me vaguely if i had any way of figuring out which people were going to do this, and i had no answer. i said i try to know, but i just cant. i had to walk away before i cried in front of her, and i wish i could have sat down and simply heard the story of this person who is so suddenly gone. that's the problem - i know logically that i couldnt have known what ryan was going to do, but i cant help agonizing over maybe SOMEHOW guessing, doing something differently. anything. i cant even process all of it because i'm grieving people i never knew. i dont know any of you who were his real friends. i wish i did, if only to talk to someone who would understand. no one understands why i'm so upset by it, they've all told me that since it's someone i didnt know, it shouldnt affect me so much. but i disagree. whether i was friends with him or not, i unknowingly had a hand in something tragic and i need to make up for it. i just dont know how. i feel guilty and sad and stuck. if there's anything i can possibly do, please contact me. it's been haunting me constantly. i wish ryan's friends and family all the courage and strength in the world, and love to everyone who thinks they are alone. i'm so sorry. "Racism is so hot right now." -RKR Andy I recently heard about Ryan's death and this website. I am trying to make sense of it all, but cannot. I met Ryan approximately five years ago and we very briefly dated. It was not meant to be but he did leave an impression. He was a very smart and sincere guy. I will never forget how much we both liked Absolutely Fabulous and would quote episodes and laugh. I introduced him to Queer as Folk and remeber watching the British version with him together. We had a lot in common. We both were relentlessly bullied in high school for being gay and different. I really respected his courage to come out and stand tall. I wish I had the same courage as he had in high school. We also shared a strong relationship with our moms. He was always sad about how difficult his mom's recovery was from an accident a few years back. I could only imagine how much his death has hurt her. I wish I got to know him more in the following years-we would occasionally run into each other and say hi. The gay community can be vicious and lonely. I agree. It is just sad to see such a bright star now exstinguished. He had such promise, intelligence, and overall beauty. He leaves behind so much and it is very sad. My sincere condolences to all his friends and family. Jake Standish Well, it has taken me quite some time to get to the point of ever considering putting anything on here. I am still not sure if I agree with the whole premise, but Ryan was always telling me to expand my horizons so here I go. I miss you desperately, but the funny thing is, I don't know if I feel sad anymore. I feel an amazing amount of love for you Ryan, so much so that I can sometimes feel overwhelmed by it. I have these fantastic memories of you, that are mine and mine alone, things I will never tell anyone about and moments I will never be able to share with anyone but you. I will never regret a single moment I spent with you, even that time you made me watch Schindler's List, just to watch me do the ugly cry. Everytime I walk into Starbuck's, it seems like that Joni Mitchell song is playing, and instead of feeling sad that you aren't here, more and more I feel like that you really are with me, forever a part of my life. There are so many things I could say, but mostly I just want to say thank you. Eric Eleopoulos (again) I'm tired of my brain telling me to post on this site. Here Brain - this is what you want. A post. Congratulations. I'm somewhat failing at my mission of loving myself. It gets harder as the days get darker. And darker. And wetter. And uglier. I miss my friend. And I get mad at my powerlessness. In many areas of my life right now. My hands are tied by grief. Your hands are tied by grief. Look at us, attempting to act normal without the use of our hands. We look silly. I look silly. Silly and sad. Without my hands. Without my friend. Tony I can't get anything written down that makes sense to me for this site. I have erased most of eveything I've written already a few times. I will put down that I'm going to be interviewing as many people as are interested and putting together a Podcast of fond stories and memories of Ryan. There are always so many things running through my head about this and I think that other people would want to share something in a way that doesn't require setting their thoughts down in type. So for the people who are interested please email me so we can set up some time to talk and record your experiences and fun times so we can all share and laugh for a change. I am striving to be a better person because of Ryan but this lesson is very hard to bear. Let's all see what we can do to keep this from happening to anyone else who's path we cross. Ryan, you know I always loved you, even though we sometimes butted heads over stupid reasons. I'm going to see if I can help to keep your memory alive, and the pain you went through from taking another away from their loved ones. Hey Ry.... What are you going to be for Halloween? Craig is having a big bash. You'd better have a great costume to blow us all away. I haven't begun to think about a costume yet. The BUMP is just two short weeks away. Yikes. I really need to get busy. We'll be looking for you. I love you Ryan. Bobby H Ryan, I had a dream the other night that you came back and told us that you had faked your death. In the mysterious dream-land I didn't question it. I remember hugging you in my dream and feeling so happy, but without warning I turned on you and became enraged. I was so angry I screamed at you. I wanted to know how you could do that to us? I wanted to know why you made us suffer? I asked how you could do that to your family and I asked if you saw what your death did to your father? You didn't answer me. I woke up. I finally got my anger out through my subconscious. I know I will never know why--I just wish that you could've planned a therapy session or private talk instead of a farewell camping trip. I hope you're happy wherever you are now. I'm fortunate to have 14+ years of fond memories of you. I really do miss you...I thought of you today when I saw the new iPods... Matt Morrissette I only knew you for one short summer but you had a lasting effect on my life. I enjoyed the time we spent together and getting to know you and who you were. When I was depressed and lonely, you were there and made me feel happy and liked. Wherever you are now, I hope that you feel the way you made me feel. I feel as if my head has turned into one of those plastic hamster balls and the subject of Ryan is the hampster. I've got the hamspter to stop running around in the ball, but now there is all this hamspter crap everywhere to clean up. Eric E********* I'm no longer addressing Ryan. Ryan's death has permanently affected how I treat people. When he said he hated the gay community and felt unloved, I understood. But now I understand where that hate and desperation could lead. And I don't want to go that direction without a fight. A good fight. Against what I perceive and what I can change and what I can do about my own life. How I treat others and how I treat myself has gone under microscopically-close observation this past month and I've learned gobs - yes, gobs - about what I can do to change. It's become somewhat cliche in the past few years or so, but I still believe Gandhi when he asked people to be the change they wished to see in the world. So I want to be a change. I want to be the lover. The nice one. The caring one. The role model. The citizen. The force. And I want to be what Ryan didn't think he could be - someone who loves themselves. I don't see any other way. Craig Where I wonder are you now my friend? I miss you so. There are so many things that I miss being able to talk to you about. My career is spinning 180 degrees right now and you always had a perspective that made it all make sense. I came out to my family a week or so ago and now things are getting weird, I am sure you would have being able to make sense of it all. I have decided to host the Halloween party again this year. You will be missed, tremendously. I only wish you were here to see my costume. How long I wonder will I grasp at your coat tails and wish you were still here? My doctor tells me that it will be a long time. I will be in London in November and booked a suite and our favorite hotel on Leicester Square. It will be hard to be there and not to expect running into you in the lobby or at G-A-Y. I still cant believe or accept you are gone. I guess your one song is so prolific here, "I really dont know life at all". I still understand why you did this, or what I could have done differently to have helped you. I try to remember the good times, the fun times, yet somehow that still makes me sad. You are missed my friend, in a way far greater than I think you ever anticipated you would be. Peace. Craig Where I wonder are you now my friend? I miss you so. There are so many things that I miss being able to talk to you about. My career is spinning 180 degrees right now and you always had a perspective that made it all make sense. I came out to my family a week or so ago and now things are getting weird, I am sure you would have being able to make sense of it all. I have decided to host the Halloween party again this year. You will be missed, tremendously. I only wish you were here to see my costume. How long I wonder will I grasp at your coat tails and wish you were still here? My doctor tells me that it will be a long time. I will be in London in November and booked a suite and our favorite hotel on Leicester Square. It will be hard to be there and not to expect running into you in the lobby or at G-A-Y. I still cant believe or accept you are gone. I guess your one song is so prolific here, "I really dont know life at all". I still understand why you did this, or what I could have done differently to have helped you. I try to remember the good times, the fun times, yet somehow that still makes me sad. You are missed my friend, in a way far greater than I think you ever anticipated you would be. Peace. Craig Where I wonder are you now my friend? I miss you so. There are so many things that I miss being able to talk to you about. My career is spinning 180 degrees right now and you always had a perspective that made it all make sense. I came out to my family a week or so ago and now things are getting weird, I am sure you would have being able to make sense of it all. I have decided to host the Halloween party again this year. You will be missed, tremendously. I only wish you were here to see my costume. How long I wonder will I grasp at your coat tails and wish you were still here? My doctor tells me that it will be a long time. I will be in London in November and booked a suite and our favorite hotel on Leicester Square. It will be hard to be there and not to expect running into you in the lobby or at G-A-Y. I still cant believe or accept you are gone. I guess your one song is so prolific here, "I really dont know life at all". I still understand why you did this, or what I could have done differently to have helped you. I try to remember the good times, the fun times, yet somehow that still makes me sad. You are missed my friend, in a way far greater than I think you ever anticipated you would be. Peace. Now cracks a noble heart, Good night sweet prince And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! Carlos Mellet Some of the one liners i miss hearing from you: sweetie darling/am chanting as we speak/lke the whales or tounges transend the wide oceans/she's sleeping now/it's a road/girl/who thad?/cheese on/edith pilaf/have you accepted jesus as your lord and savior?/I am Isis Im worshiped by millions who believe it!/ Dillon Riley God i miss you. I cut and styled your hair for over three years. I always got excited to see you and get that great big hug, and that beautiful smile. You shared things with me that i am grateful for. I want to apologize for not listening to you when you said that you weren't getting over "it". I thought it was just a phase, but looking back now i can see that sadness was there. You told me something that i should have known was a sign, but how did i know that you hurt so badly...please forgive me...You always made me laugh, who will i talk about big dick with now? I watched you suffer for six months and i couldn't do anything about it. All i can say is you deserved better, and i told you that. Thank you for listening about my life and being a therapist in return..you never judged me. I feel like you are watching over all of us now. I'm trying to be a better person now..i'm trying to enjoy life more...i'm doing things in your honor...the anger is passing and i'm left with knowing that you won't ever come thru that babershop door ever again and that sucks worse than anything...i'll always love you ryan...i hope there are big cocks in heaven...smile... Jason Brown It’s been a few weeks now, Ryan, and I’m no closer to understanding what’s happened. I don’t think I ever will understand: the challenge is in learning to live with it. Two weeks ago, I did the Ryan Robertson memorial walk. It was almost exactly three and a half years since we met, and the day was almost a carbon copy of the ones we had that weekend. Then it was the last days of winter, now the last days of summer, but in London these were almost indistinguishable. Sunny with hope, but with a lingering chill in the air. By myself I retraced that walk we did our first Saturday together, when I picked you up at your hotel in Leicester Square and took you across the Hungerford Bridge. We sat at the café at the National Film Theatre where my friend Rachel met us; she persuaded you to try a slice of lemon in your coke and when you said it was lovely, that sealed it for Rachel, you were in. We meandered up the south bank of the Thames to the Tate Modern, and crossed the Millennium foot bridge, wandering back through the city to Covent Garden where we had some lunch. So much of this city reminds me of you; just going into the West End overwhelmed me the first few times after I heard the awful news. This is where we got to know each other, and it will always be full of wonderful memories of you. I will miss how easy it was for me to make you laugh, you made me feel like the cleverest man in the world sometimes. You remembered things I said like they were bon mots when really they were just flights of fancy, and you would laugh at them all over again so many months later. I think of our tour of Buckingham Palace and what I told you the Cross Gallery was for (“Oh Philip, we could just spit!”) or watching Czech Pop Idol in Prague and making up the words for all the entrants’ background stories—sometimes I think our other friends actually hated the way you encouraged me to just free flow silliness. I will miss having someone to immediately text whenever I see a really beautiful guy, especially the ones who are inappropriately young. It’s almost cruel that that’s what I’d been meaning to do all day, before I got the call from your stepfather. I really regret that you always apologised for falling ill when you visited me that last time, this past February. We missed a couple days in Glasgow and another Erasure concert together, and in fact the only time you left my house was when I took you to the doctor for antibiotics. You felt so bad about being a burden on my hospitality, but Ryan I look back on those few days of us trapped in my house with incredible fondness. I got to spend that time with you alone, I felt like I was doing something for you to show how much you meant to me, and it was just us. No boys, no nightclubs, no planes to catch or hotels to find. You could always make me feel like your best friend, and that the months between our visits were completely insubstantial. My life is much better for having had you in it at all, no matter how brief the time was. Sleep well, my friend, and thank you for your unconditional love and support. Rowland Hobbs Ryan was courage. I came out after him in High School. He was a year older than and I adored him. I literally jumped on a plane when I heard the news in New York. The memorial was very hard. I lost my hero: Ryan gave me courage through the years. Courage to find places I could be happy. If I could give him some of that courage right now, I would. I miss his presence in this world so very, very much. I’ve looked through so many books to find that quote, somewhere in the ages, that would make sense of this: but I find Ryan’s passing somehow so irrational I’ve given up. But the courage he gave me remains. So I’ll keep looking. Whitney There have been some occasional moments where you haven’t consumed every thought I’ve had, but for the most part, the pain is still so present. There are some positive things coming out of this, but I would give ANYTHING to have you back (first born child, right testicle, money, etc…). I find myself trying to emulate your altruistic nature, but feel no matter my efforts, I will never be the guy you were. Prior to losing you, the concept of an afterlife was just some theological fairytale to me. Now, I am desperately clinging to the concept in hopes of seeing you again. Wherever you are, I hope you are spreading as much beatitude there as you did here! Eric E********* Hey, remember when we went to Wild Waves and we talked about paying the 10 bucks to ride the hoist-you-up-and-drop-you-a-few-hundred-feet-swing thing? You and I were a little scared of it, Ryan, but our third tried to convince us as we were standing in line for The Wild Thing roller coaster. We watched two or three different groups of people go on it and, each time, we chickened out just a little more. And we decided not to go on it. Of course now I'm sorry we didn't do it, Ryan. But guess what? Next year, I'm going on that s***ty f***ing swing and I'm going to scream my god**** head off. Just for you. And I hope - somewhere - you'll hear me, punk. Cause you should be doin it with me. Hey Ryan, I'm with ya on the whole gay image (sex is everything) thing. I hate it too. I also have a theory about "conforming non-conformists" I would have loved to get your opinion on. We never met although I wish we would have. You are a hottie by the way. You have a beautiful smile. I lived not very far from you, just a few blocks away. I would have listened. I have a feeling I know where you were coming from. I can't stop thinking about you... -Just some guy you never met Jason Dombek Ry, It’s been two weeks since I heard of your suicide. It hurt me deeply, and I was very angry at you for many reasons. That anger has all but passed, and I have accepted the fact that you’re gone, though it is still hard. Your suicide is the first death I’ve ever dealt with. It struck a nerve in me, making me grateful for not acting on my thoughts of suicide, likely caused by homophobic self-hatred. I thought of suicide often as a teenager, but somehow, I pulled through. I’m glad I did. I have accepted that I am gay, and it has led me to love myself more, and to love and be loved by many others. I wish you could have found the same in yourself, and realized that many others did and still do love you – and miss you – dearly. Two weeks ago, when first reading postings on your site, one in particular jumped out at me…it said that you desired to be a good man. I have felt the same, but have had trouble with it for some time, probably a great deal of it due to being somewhat self-centered. When I heard of your suicide, I wanted to change myself and become better, though at first I could not. But something finally struck a chord with me yesterday, and I was able to change some things about myself. It is obviously taking some work, but I’m trying to become a better person. That’s what many want of me, and I suspect what you’d have wanted the same, had we known each other better. I regret that we did not, because I suspect we would have found much in common, music being the first thing that comes to mind. I have not yet had a chance to listen to the songs listed in your suicide note, but would like to. One of the things I find fascinating about music is the words, and how they speak to people. I want to listen to the songs you listed, not only for self-reflection, but hopefully to understand you better, because I suspect we may have gone through many similar things growing up. Being in France (I’m learning a lot, by the way!), it’s hard to find ways to download those songs (and I could not buy the CDs here). Mostly, I know electronic music, because I’m a DJ. I hope this was brought to your attention before you departed…but if not, I’m telling you now. I’m currently in love with this song, and find that the lyrics speak to me for many different reasons. I want to share the words with you. By Above & Beyond, the song is called ‘Alone Tonight’. Alone tonight, just like the western star, I’m sinking. The angels curse me blind with straight and crooked thinking. Slipping sideways, silver stars collide. Fade away just like our love had died. And there is nowhere in this universe to hide…from you tonight. I’ve wrestled with angels all my life. It’s always the halos and the wings that keep you blind. And if I fall with all the strength I held inside…I wouldn’t be out here alone tonight.” Today marks two weeks since I found out about your suicide, and I had not cried today until I began to write this letter. But I am crying again. It makes me terribly sad and hurt to know that I will never see your smiling face on this Earth again. But, I find comfort in knowing that I will see you again at the end of my time here, though I hope that is not soon. I’m trying to be a better person! I hope that somehow you will stay with me and remind me to be better – along with all of my friends here on Earth that are doing the same – so that I can lead a better life and help others. I know it’s what you would have wanted, had I known you better! I miss you and think about you often, Ryan! I hope you’re doing well, and trust that you’re in good hands now. We’ll all miss you, but I don’t doubt that we will all see you again! Be waiting for us with that notorious smile of yours…I’m trying to smile more, too :) Stuart R. Crandall Ryan, The day your aunt called me, I fell to my knees in tears. I have to admit when I first found out, I was very sad, but also angry. Angry at myself for not seeing how upset you were, even though John had said something was wrong. Angry, that I couldn't be at your memoriable. Angry, that I was in Santa Barbara, when you needed me there. Sad that I was had lost something so dear to my heart. I am now moving back to Seattle. I prayed that when I got off of the plane on Thursday, that you would be there, and that everything would be a ploy just to get me to move back. I called you, but no one answered. I called your parents, they directed me to the website. You were the only friend from Seattle that had visited me since I moved to Santa Barbara. We went to the Getty Museum just a month ago. It is impossible to believe that the was the last time I will ever see you again. I was so jealous of you Ryan, and inspired to be like you. This last week you saved my life, yet again. John and I broke up a few weeks ago. I instantly called you for support and comfort. I set the phone down and cried. You were the one I turned to, I was lost as to why you didn't turn to me. I admit after John and I broke up, I began to spiral. Problem chasing problem, the feeling of loneliness, a new problem joined the pursuit, confusion, sadness, anxiety. I screamed, wanting you to hear. I finally realized that you must have felt the same, but much worse and for a much longer time. Somehow understanding how you felt, made it easier for me to deal with what you had done. Maybe this will also help others. I also realized, that I was not alone, you had felt the same way. I am still pulling myself together. I know it won't be easy, but life never is. Thank you Ryan for always being there for me. You will be truly missed, but I will celebrate your life with each day of mine. I owe that and much and more to you. I love you Ryan, I always will. Stuart R. Crandall Brian M. Westbrook Posting form has been fixed. Apologies for the delay. Erik Isaacson Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, I long to hold you again. I miss you more than I can express. If it were not for your loving heart and kind words I doubt I would be here today. You helped me through coming to terms with who I am. It kills me that try as I might I couldn't help you. I just learned yesterday about what had happened. I was in Africa exploring the world, which you so avidly encouraged me to do. I'm saddedened that I was out of the country for the services and gatherings held for you. My birthday, September 12th will never be the same. The pain I feel, I feel like it is mine alone. With you gone, one of the best pieces of myself is gone too. You are and forever will be a bright spot in my life. I will never ever forget you, your smile, your laugh, the warmth of your embrace. It kills me every second that passes to know you are gone but I believe that eternal life is achieved through the effects you have on others, and if that is true Ryan, you are alive and well inside of me. There will not be a day that passes that I don't miss you. There will not be a day that passes that I don't yern to see you once again. Ryan I love you, I love you in the deepest part of my heart. I hope that wherever you are the peace that you so stongly desired has found you, and that you are no longer hurting. I miss you, I love you. Good Bye My Friend. -Erik Kyle Words of wisdom from my friend Pete's mom: In the dark of night the loneliness sets in. I miss Pete so much. My mind wanders, longing for a way to reconnect. I know that Pete is a part of me, a part of all he touched with his soul and a part of the Love that created us. That Love is indestructible and it will reunite us someday. I hold on to the smiles. I cherish the happy moments. There will be a reunion someday. Look inside to the depths of your imaginings. You will know how great the Mysteries are and Faith will well up and show you a way. Alli's quote from Ghandi is so true. "In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path.." freya/mom - 09/24/05 08:30 AM Christopher A. Pasco Ryan, founder of our little Scooby gang, you are greatly missed. I will miss our runs to Madison Park to grab Thai food, our Wednesday seadooing evenings, and our nights at your condo to watch Enterprise. I always so admired you. You dressed better than most mannequins, had the best smile and laugh, a cozy, always clean condo, a fun ("Do you know you are driving a box?") car, so many friends, and from what I recently witnessed, an amazingly loving, supportive family. It hurts me the most to see your family in pain, they did not deserve this. I think it was incredibly selfish of you to put them through this. I was always so jealous not only of your number of friends, but the fact that you seemed to know them so well. I think you had more true friendships that I had acquaintances. I remember our many roadtrips together with Jeff and I up front, and you sitting (or sleeping) in back. You always said you loved riding with me because you felt safe; I just wish I could have protected your soul. I will have to agree with your brother in that you DID accomplish so much in even just the four years I knew you. You had your whole life ahead of you. If it was love that you sought, you had a good 60 years ahead of you to find it. A coworker of mine just found her soulmate at 55 and are planning the wedding of their dreams. I will never understand why you did what you did, but that is no longer important. To quote from the movie "A River Runs Through It": "We can love completely, without complete understanding." Never has this concept had more meaning to me than now. I love you completely Ryan. j I hope that you feel better. I hope that you appreciate, now, how people felt about you. Maybe you knew before, maybe you didn't, maybe you just hurt so bad nothing else mattered. I know you have been watching, and I look at everyone and wonder if you approve. Some of our lives have screeched to a halt, some of us are strong, and some of us are seem like they are trying to hook up with each other. I watch all of it and wonder what you are thinking. But I will never ever know. Kelly Scott All of us need to know we are always loved, and loved for ourselves. Not because we are great at parties, cute, or because someone needs bolstering and we can do that, but loved for who we uniquely are, of use or not, ‘warts’ and all. Ry had a delicate soul, and though uniquely loved for himself by an astounding number, also needed, I always thought, some extra care. Yet there were times that I was estranged from Ry by his choice (and perhaps even wisely Michael Jouver Ryan~ You did more than you know. Or you do know. You made a difference, here with me. If only now you could make another one and come back. I'm so much better of a person for having known you. I think of the good times and smile, but always wish for more to come...with you. Love you Ryan. Whitney McGill It is has been 14 day since you left us. Two weeks of what ifs, should haves, and should have beens. How I wish you could have seen just how beautiful you were. I am so sorry we failed you; if you only knew the amount of love that exists in your name Ryan. There is this enormous vacuous space in me that once was filled by your presence and is now only filled with a pain who’s enormity I could have never fathomed. Thank you for sharing some of your life with me! Collin Hinshaw Thanks for letting me take over the music in the car on some of those priceless, memorable roadtrips. I know you didn't know or care who the Black Crowes are, but you still faked it :) Sorry I didn't have any euro-teen pop on my iPod ;) and for all those times we sat around this summer being ridiculously funny, at least to ourselves, I thank you. Brian M. Westbrook I wouldn't be surprised if you had asked the radio station to have this song start at the exact moment my alarm went off this morning, Ryan. I cried myself to sleep last night and now... I wake to this: "Spend all your time waiting for that second chance. For a break that will make it okay there's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day .I need some distraction .Oh beautiful release memories seek from my veins and may be empty oh weightless and maybe I will find some peace tonight in the arms of the angel fly away from here from this star cold hotel room and the endlessness that you feel you are pulled from the racket of your silent reverie your in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here . So tired of the straight line and every where you turn and there's vultures and theives at your back the storm keeps on twisting keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack it don't make no difference you escape them one last time it is easier to believe then this sweet madness oh there's glory or sadness that brings me to my knees in the arms of the angel fly away from here from this star cold hotel room and the endlessness that you feel you are pulled from the racket of your silent reverie your in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here.You in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here." --Sara McLaughlin - In the Arms of the Angel. We were supposed to do so much together! We had talked about adopting kids together someday, and where we wanted to raise them, and growing old together! Ryan I can't do all that without you! If you just come back I'll do better! I promise. I'll call the crisis line when I think I should, I'll stay with you instead of dropping you off when I know I should! Please Ryan! I need you back with me! I'd do anything for five more fucking minutes to give you the answer that came from my heart and not my mind to that last question you asked me. Please Ryan I miss you! Skyler Baby, I am so lost without you. It's so weird to me when you don't answer your phone now. I didn't even know you had a voicemail box until the day that you were gone. I can't even describe how much I miss you. A lot of people have been asking me what hurts the most. and a million things go through my head. I am terrified that I found you, pained that you felt so alone, guilty because I know I could have saved you, worried of what life without you means, but above all I feel incredible despair that I won't see you again. All I want is to see you. The only thing that keeps me sane is hoping/believing/convincing myself that at the end of all of this I will see you again. Ryan in one of your letters you told me that I was the love of my life, but I want you to know that you were the love of my life too, for now and forever... I even have the tattoo to prove it! I hope you're laughing somewhere thinking what a ridiculous teenager I am for doing that to my body, but I want you to know that you are always in my heart. I will never love another human being the way I did you, or as much. Goodbye my soul mate. I can't wait to see you again. Craig Taylor Ryan, time for some fun memories as I go through this process of saying my goodbyes to you. Ryan, ITunes and QuickTime are really not loving my PC right now. Damm you!! Thanks for leaving us the memories ripped onto disk, but could you please have left the Apple illiterate amoungst us a copy in Windows format too?! Also, I actually thought of buying an IPod today, I would have no idea how to use it, but it looks pretty and I am sure I could dunk it into my water glass in my car cup holder a few times to enhance its performance capabilities. You will also be pleased to know that we really missed having that spare key you have to my front door of my house. This time however it was not I who was locked out, but rather some good friends that were very keen to visit at 1am on Sunday. Its a hilarious story and I wish I could tell it to you and have you tell me how stupid I am. Another thing I am noticing is how many of those rust colored Element cars there are around. I keep expecting to see you behind the wheel, waving at me. You were so proud of the box you called a car. Because, in case you didnt know "Youre driving a Box". At least I believe those are the words of the car bashing incident you had. I have actually petitioned the new Chief Justice to include Freedom of Vehicle Purchase into the Bill of Rights. I am just not to sure how successuful that will be, but its that I tried that counts. Lastly, I have been listening to a lot of Darren Hayes songs lately and all I can say is goodness that man sings some depressing stuff. So instead I decided to add one last song to the list you left us, from your favorit group Erasure. Its titled "Send Me an Angle". Perhaps you didnt hear that one, the lyrics go "Dont give up, Dont give up, you can be lucky in love". You will always be in my heart and now for the rest of my time on this rock we call earth, I feel like I will have my own Angle looking over me. Ryan, Peace my friend. Natalie I keep expecting you to call. Brian M. Westbrook So I learned that I work with one of your former co-workers. We learned after we recognized each other on this site. I then remembered the first time I was in this building to visit your office... It's sorta ironic that I work here now and remember how proud you were to show off your cube. I can't come to work without thinking of you... heck, I can't do much of anything without a thought of Ry Ry. --BMW. Kyle Ryan: You always told us that oral hygiene is vital, and you always lead by example. Well, I just brushed my teeth at work. That never happens, just thought I’d let you know. Love - KYLE Kyle Ryan: Jeff and Chris and I went to this fabulous Japanese restaurant last night. We had alligator!! It tastes like chicken, but I still bet you still wouldn’t eat it. You should see the “scene” Jay has put together on Jeff and Chris’ home Lego model, it’s quite the site. In other news, Jay has yet to take off the Kayaks from the camping trip, citing the fact that he gets far more “looks” as he drives down Broadway. And, you’ve missed the best Battlestar Galactica in human history. Frack. - Ryan, we will always have an empty chair, an extra spot on the couch, and a part of our hearts reserved just for you. The memories of you will carry on, somewhere, in each and every one of us. More love than can be expressed - KYLE The funny thing is, Ryan always talked me out of ending my life. I dated a friend of his and he was dating thier roommate, so at that time I only knew him by passing. When the relationship I was in ended, I became very depressed. It wasn't until a year later that Ryan and I ran into one another and we talked. I tried to proove myself as someone who wasn't all evil and bad as I was made out to be. Even though my past haunted me, he let me know that it was understood that the things I did or said to people (ie my ex) wasn't a reflection of who I was as a person. He let me go off about things and how hurt and depressed I was with the ex and with guys in general. We had dinner a couple of times and would say hi walking on the streets (if he was alone). It was an understanding that he didn't want certain people to know he spoke to me and talked to me about these people. But the entire time, he didn't tell me or look at me as being some "drama queen" when I was depressed and needed someone to cry to. I was allowed to be free. He would constantly compliment me trying to make me feel wanted and good about myself. Unfortunatley, I shut many people out for a while, Ryan included. On occasion, we would send an e-mail to one another. I saw him a couple months ago on the street and we just smiled to one another. I never told him thanks for those talks and the help he gave me, even if it was telling me to get over things. I became happy with myself and began to love myself. I never knew how Ryan felt. I know what its like to be in that situation that he was in. High school, coming out, the gay community, being lonley. I'll remember that not all people are hurtfull as I have experienced in my past. There are people like Ryan who may seem like a jerk (I always thought that of him before the talks we had but again, I associated him with his friends which was wrong of me) but they are sincere people who only want to see good in people. I saw that in him and he saw that in me. ONE LAST =o) TO YOU RYAN! I miss you randy van heusden Ryan, i did not know you personally, but let me say i know how you felt and having been there myself. It is unfortunate you did not see all of the support you had not only from your parents, but all those that knew you even in passing. There are so many that miss you and will miss all you had to share and give, which is evident by the comments contained here in this web site. You were evidently quite talented and articulate, which also is present in the comments of those who knew you much closer than i. i cannot guess as to why Ryan you might have taken your life, but i am sure that your pain was great and it is sad that a close friend was not there to stop you, but you closed up and hid from those that trully cared, so that you could remove the pain without anyone seeing your pain and grief while you took your life. i can only ask why when you had so many who cared and liked you? You were a beautiful man and your friends and parents saw this too. Why Ryan did you not reach out to your friends or even one friend, or did you not consider them as such or close enough to be able to ask? You left a lot of memories behind and certainly any potential memories you had to give will forever remain locked up in you taking your life. i am sad for you, your parents who were evidentially special in how they accepted you, and all of your family and friends. There will always be a lot of unanswered questions. i want to express to you and all of those that knew you how much your life meant to so many and it is so hard to see until you have taken it and the others around you that know you express their pain. i want to express my own thoughts through my own attempt at taking my life and i say attempt, since i was stopped by a friend, and in hopes it may help give some insight to those that knew you Ryan why you might have ended your life so abruptly at a young age. My Experience - randy van heusden Saturday, November 27, 2004 depression/suicide - BLINDLY LOST BLINDLY LOST - Poem at the bottom of this story, reprinted for those that did not get it before. i share it here as i feel this is important for those that have never been there. BLINDLY LOST - (long story) 11/17/2004 (updated 11/27/04) When i wrote this i had to take myself through the entire thought once again of what i went through when i wanted to die and what happened during the process of thought, and how i for the first time in my life i had totally |