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Ryan... I'm watching "Prayers for Bobby" right now. They made it into a Lifetime movie starring Sigourney Weaver. You introduced me to the book when we first met... in the series of lenghty emails we first exchanged. It was your favorite book. I really wish you were here to watch it with me. I miss you Ryan. :( --BMW. "It scares me when they are talking that way because they are talking about me." --Bobby. Rob I have not been on here since I heard of all this. I made a post then of my feelings. Wish you were still around to come down to Dallas for a weekend or week. I just moved up here with my job. I told you I was looking to go back into the military. I decided to take a government job instead and finish my degree. I am working for a Military command and it is a cool job. It is properly the best job I have ever had so far. I work Monday thru Friday and weekends off. Can actually come and go as I please, with a kick ass salary. Hoping soon to deploy over to Iraq for a whole year (I am really excited for that). I have read all the post on here, pretty cool. This is also the first time I have read the letter you wrote. Life is short and all we can do is remember and take what each person has gained from knowing you and grow our selfÕs. I am also finally finishing my BS in Business Management and Accounting. I am still single here and not really looking for much as of a relationship. I figure that will work out when the time is right. Plus, it means I am not putting my fist into any windowÕs when I get pissed, hehe. I still remember you calling me to tell me about some date u had got with this hot boy. I was eating pizza at the place he worked and before you could tell me where he worked or his name, I said ÒRyan you should see this cute boy.Ó It is something I will never forget it since we were talking about the same boy. Well anyways I hope you have found what you were looking for in your life and your family is doing well. Rob P.S. I actually have to dress up for this job. No jeans and t-shirts here. I clean up well. :) Brian M. Westbrook Site note: Thanks to those who pointing out the SPAM postings on this board... Apologies, but this isn't exactly the most robust guestbook (I wrote it in the hours following news of Ryan's passing, clearly not the best time to be writing code!). I'm going to keep an eye on the site, and if it fills up with SPAM again, I'll remove the posting ability -- but worry not! -- this would only be temporary until I can add SPAM blocking. The archive of comments will certainly remain. Feel free to write any questions (or email comments to add to the board) to me directly. Thanks for your patience. --BMW. watching the end of margaret cho tonight and as the credits started rolling a familiar face flashed on the screen, if only for a second. you were smiling and laughing, just like how it used to be, how it was suppose to be. i miss you so much ryan. Tony C Had a dream the other night and you were there. I forget where we were or who else was there, but it was great to see you again. Si Si I can't help but notice that less and less people write you these days. I don't know if I was affected the most or what. We were not best friends but you dated my best friend and we are friends no longer. Not after that day. I am feeling things you felt ten years before you acted upon them. I just want to know you are okay or better. I admire you for never turning to drugs or alcohol like me. I admire you for that. Sleep well tonight. I won't sleep. Jim When Steve Jobs unveiled the new Apple iPhone today, I couldn't help think of Ryan. Having been on the Newton team, he would have been giddy with delight...and first in line to get one! I miss you Ryan! Tod Si Si, do you mind emailing me sometime, thanks! Tod Alex Coupe Hi Ryan, its been a while since I wrote you, I still think about you every day and miss you terribly. I am no longer sad about your choice and I realise that for you it was the only choice you thought you had and I have come to accept that. I check in again soon. Gregory Cook Ryan, Well Remember New Years Night 1996. (The night we met). You came to the party at Vance's with all the guys from APPLE. WOW It seems like yesterday. We went out dancing together after the party and started our incredible friendship from there. I miss you very much. Happy New Years, sweet Ryan! Si Si I talked about you tonight. Today was the New Year. It was terrible for me. Nothing you missed. Just same sadness. I sat and watched everyone around me kissing and I thought to myself that I wish I had that. I thought to myself that I needed that in my life right now to continue going. I don't know what to think and I wish I could talk to you about it. Please come to me in my dreams tonight and help me.... Brian M. Westbrook Drinking O.J. -- your "super power weakness" -- and thinking of you. **hugs** --BMW. I can't say I think about you every day...I didn't know you well enough, so 'every day' probably isn't accurate. But damn close to it, and for you to have that much of an affect on people you didn't know - as is evident in the postings on this site - is incredible. Today is your birthday...I wish you were here to celebrate it. Dec. 12th will always be a special day because of you. Ry, I can relate to what you felt. I still feel depressed and sometimes wonder if life is as vague as it often feels. Optimism helps one believe that it isn't that bad, and that life is worth living. Sometimes it's questionable, but there always seems a reason to pull through. I wish you had found that reason, cuz it hurts like hell to know that you couldn't or for whatever reason didn't. I still wonder what I could've done to help... I want to say 'you'll never know how much people truly miss you' ...but that isn't true. You know it now. I just wish you could've seen it...we miss you, Ry! Lots of love. Take care... -Dec. 12, 2006 Happy Birthday, Ry...still think about you and miss you. Wish you were here... Jason Brown Happy birthday, Ry. So much happening to me that I wish I could share with you--I've moved back to Toronto and I'm getting married at the end of the month. I wish you were part of that. I love you & I miss you every day. Kelly A. Scott Happy Birthday Ryan, and happy for many that you were born. 'til we meet again... Natalie Not a day goes by that I don't think of you at least 20 times. Happy birthday, baby. I love you. happy birthday. i still think about you all the time. Gregory Cook Another Birthday is upon us my friend. It's just so weird to not get your ever thoughtful cards. I wonder if you even really liked the birthday cards I sent to you. RYAN, I miss you tons. Happy Birthday!!!! I'll be waiting for my card to come in the mail.... but knowing it will never come. Love ya man. Gregory I don't believe I've ever been so affected by the passing of someone who I never even had the chance to meet. Ryan knew a friend of mine, and that's how I heard of his death. I found this site dedicated to him, and I looked at the pictures posted and the moving words of the many that knew him. When I read the words in Ryan's farewell letter, it made me realize just how much I could relate to what he was saying. It makes me realize that I too, could have taken the same path at certain points in my life. I will forever remember him. I will think of him when I'm in need of strength. I feel like Ryan, although we never met, would want us all to smile and continue to live-on regardless of the challenges we are faced with. One thing I know for sure is this...Ryan must have been one heck of a fine person. Lake Washington just seems to sparkle more and more all the time and I believe his beautiful spirit has something to do with that. Justin S Ryan, I have been thinking about you alot lately and well I miss you.. Sometimes you are the only one who can help me through some issues.. Talk to you later bud.. Ryan I drive by your condo almost daily - in fact I pretty much live down the street from it now. I moved nearby about 4 months after you left us, and even still when I drive by my heart sinks knowing you're no longer there. I remember the random times we would meet up and you would let me be me and dish out all the good and bad things in my life without passing any judgment and only giving advice when asked. Ryan I miss you so much still, I hope you really are happier now. I know that you are at least keeping an eye on us and we feel it, thank you for always being there no matter even now. Si Si Dumas Hey Ryan, I wanted to say hi and thought this was the best way to do it. I just wanted you to know that I still think about you all of the time and talk about you like you were still here. Death is a funny thing you know. Even though you are absent your memories are engraved in me like it was yesterday. So in some ways you are here...they seem that real because at one time of course they were. My friend's dad died though and I don't feel the same way about him. I wonder why. Well, I really miss you and wanted to tell you so... Ryan.... is it any better where you are? I don't know how much longer i can take this crap. I have been feeling very alone and very depressed. Is there really any hope on the other side? Michael Jouver Just passing through. Had thought of you. Like I always will and do. Wanted to say hi, the only way I can. Still apart of my day Ryan. Catch myself wondering things I will never have answered. Wishes that will never be granted. So like everyone I keep moving forward. With some effort to do what you couldn't and take note of what could have been. Always loving you, keep watching over us all. Carlos Mellet I am so greatful for this site. Thank You guys for keeping it up. It has helped me so much especially when i'm missing him so much. We have so much in common as far the feelinds we share about Ryan. I respect everyone's feelings and opinions and the grief we feel is obvious. I hope that people that are having suicidal thought and read this site see what the outcome is and how it affects their family and friends and even people they don't even know. That they choose to share their feelings and emotions no matter how dark. That they find people who they can trust and talk about suicide freely . That they know that life is filled with strugles for everyone and that there's moments of pure joy and happines in between. I hope the choice is always LIFE . We are here for just a short period of time . Thank you again guys. we will always have this way to connect and share about our friend. we love him and miss him dearly. he will never be forgotten. PEACE KYLE Teater Ryan, I bought a mac. I'm in heaven... you were right all along PCs suck. I just got done staying at Craig's for nine days. Company that stays for more than a week is like cheese, it starts to stink after a long while. lol. At least I washed the sheets. Tod No problem Brian I really understand, I have my own site and have had issues so no worries whatsoever, I'm glad it's back up, it has helped a great deal, thank you, Tod Brian M. Westbrook Hey Tod -- sorry the site was down on the anniversary of RKR's death. I believe Kyle recap'd the site's history well... the site has helped many of connect, cope, and be a community. We can't do this alone -- nor should we. I regret the site was down during the anniversary (circumstances beyond my control I'm afraid), but it is back now and there are no plans to retire the site. Ever. --BMW. Tod Kyle and to the other person who responded to my post. Thank you! I shared my post with a few of my closest friends and then they shared with me some of their own experiences. One friend said that he never saw two of his good friends show suicidal signs a long time ago and both took their lives to the dismay of many. Another good friend of mine also reminded me of his boss who owned a company in Seattle took his own life leaving a wife and two kids, no signs whatsoever. He had everything anyone on this earth would want. Kyle, like you mentioned, Ryan made the horrific choice to do so and not his friends. I know you or anyone else would have stopped it if you could. I look at my life and I have had the same feelings before at times after getting help and maybe none of my friends would have seen it coming if I made that choice. Kudos to you and others who have created this Web site for Ryan. After reading all the posts for him, it just made me feel how anyone can hide their thoghts from all the friends he had. After sharing my feelings with my friends and looking internally at my own situation, I can see where this can happen. If I should pass, I hope something like this would be created for me. Lastly, to Ryan, I wish I can say hi and talk to you at R Place, you treated me like you did anyone else despite my disability, and I really hope you can read these posts somehow, rest in peace! Tod Jim If you have not yet seen the MEMORIAL PLAQUE given in memory of Ryan by his family, this Sunday (10/22) would be a good time. We are hosting the Total Experience Gospel Choir at the church for one combined service at 9:00am. They are amazing! Directions/map may be found by clicking the Announcements link above. KYLE Tod, I will add one thing to my best friend’s statement below. Ryan did this; not his best friends, not his family, not you - Ryan. We had no control and I refuse to claim that it was anyone’s fault but Ryan’s. He chose not to cry out for help or show his pain in the last days he was alive, and that was his decision. Had he given any indication to his best friends, many of whom were with him 24 hours a day the last week he was here, you are God damn right we would have done something. Brian Westbrook and I came up with the idea for this site on September 13, 2005. At the same time, we were all dealing with Ryan’s death, doing our best to plan his service and his wake. Brian poured a whole lot of his own time and effort into this site (it was up and running within just a few days) and he continues to maintain it today as a courtesy to Ryan’s friends and family. While it is too bad that it wasn’t up and running one-year later, it still serves its purpose. If there was anything to be said on September 13, 2006, it can still be said today…. KYLE Tod, thank you for your honest and frank post. First I would say, dont anticipate that you would not be remembered. I think you would be surprised by those around you. Sometimes you dont know the real them until something profound happens. Second I would say that Ryan hid things very well. Smoke and mirrors were the least of his arsenol of deception. Ask anyone that went on the camping trip the weekend before his passing. None of us expected it and we spent 24/7 with Ryan for 56 hours before he passed. I could go into detail about the clonapin overdose conversation I had with him on the Monday just prior to his death, I could go into the details of what we discussed about failed relationships. None of it matters. For the most part these are issues we deal with mostly every day and Ryan had a way of turning things around and making things sound like something it wasnt. In retrospect the few weeks prior to his passing were far less ominous that any serious issue with him I had discussed in the past. If anything would be a red flag for me in the future it would be a lul in the "oh my god moments". Honestly, I thought that Ryan had reached a point where he was ok with what was going on around him. I was terribly wrong, but at that moment that was my best and most honest reflection of the situation. I spoke with Ryan daily, many times a day really. I honestly felt he would have raised these concerns with me if it were really an issue for him. But he did not want us to know, he had an end in mind and he didnt want anyone to interfere with it. He didnt ask for help, he did not appeal to his friends, he was relentless in the followthrough of his plan. It is ironic that one of my closest friends now is struggling from a hereditary disease that could likely kill him. Its the same genetic disease his mom died of. He has every warning of it, and his close friends know everything about it. What does that mean for me? What can I do to change that? Unfortunately the answer is almost nothing. There is nothing that the medical community can do to change things. There is no cure to the genetic disease. How does that change things from Ryans situation? Unfortunately it doenst. I wish it did. I can be more comforting or throw more $$ at the issue but at the end of the day I cant change anything. And for me, that is the terrible and horific lesson of life that I was not nor still am ready to learn from. If I did learn anyting from this aweful situation is that suicide is not a solution for anyone, not least the victems, and certainly not for the person committing it. If anything it creates more issues and is disrespectful to those people that face death every day and have no choice in its outcome. Last question and I can answer it myself but still want to pose it, despite that the site was not up during his anniversary and all the literally hundreds of postings on this site, why didn't anyone know anything about his thoughts and eventual fate? I have read every single post and not one saw this coming. I wonder why since he supposedly had "good friends", "great travels" he had to give someone some type of clues? With so many friends of his that posted, if I was an outsider looking in, I would question all his friends for not knowing or at least trying to help him (Let's put this in real perspective, he could have hidden his true feelngs which is easy to do because I have done it but with so many friends how can it be hidden). I'm not accusing anyone but jeez with all these friends that didn't see this coming it's hard to imagine. With that said, a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist says that it's easy for people like Ryan to hold their true feelings even among their best friends which of course happened. I guess I want to express to Ryan if he can read this and others to really get to know the person and delve deep inside as possible about what they are thinking to prevent future tragedies of this nature. I've never seen so many friends he had and not ONE PERSON saw this coming. Once again it's easy to hide but most professionals will say that there would be signs and maybe this is the exception. With that said this string of posts has literally helped me with my personal problems and will prevent future suicides. I wish I had this type of outpouring for Ryan because if I'd die unexpectantly or even by suicide I woudln't have this kind of support. I would just be remembered and forgot after a month at least unlike Ryan here which I met once at RA Place and he's rememered every day. I don't think I would even be given that attention which is a tribute to Ryan to say the least!! I guess I just don't get it for now, but I can see where friends of mine would not know of my thoughts if I decided to do something irratiional, Tod Why was the the site down during his anniverary of his unexepected death? I would think more people would have posted comments during that time? Just curious because I knew Ryan not that well but wanted to at least make some statements during that time of his passing to help me grieve. With that said Ryan all the out pouring you have received I hope you realize you are missed here and unfortunately decisions made like yours can't be taken back!! I wish to god they can to see you again here on earth!! Michael Jouver Hey there Ry, the 'year' came and went. Fighting the good fight, still missing you, but things are better. I finally cried again the other day about it all. Didn't last long, but the pain still exists. I look forward to the next meeting babe. Be at peace. So its been a year. Well a little more than a year. So whos counting? What have I learned in a year? A heck of a lot really. I now know what the inside of the Harborview medical trauma unit looks like. I have learned that life is something that you live each minute and success is not defined in years but rather in days. I have learned that money does not take away the pain and that buying fancy cars and exotic vacations is only a distraction. I have learned that there are people that are in worse situations that you or I ever were, and yet they persevere. I respect them. I have made an oath to you that I will do whatever I can to help them. I have also learned a lot about our friends and only wish you were here for me to tell you about it all. Im sure you already know everything I would tell you, but nonetheless you would listen and have something smart to say. I miss that, dearly. Heres to your one year anniversary Ryan... Bobby H Hi Ryan, did you like the flowers we left for you on the lake a couple weeks ago? I hope so. Collin It's been too long since I've had a chance to get in touch- Eddie darling- it's Patsy, hope all is well, and Cheers! to the next thing we shall celebrate! Ryan would get it, and after a year we are all still healing, I hope that one day we can all come to a place where we can look back and learn from all of this. With all my love, I miss you Ryan. -Collin Kelly Scott the anniversary of your leaving was very tough Ry.... and the year was tough. heckuva lot I would have liked to talk to you about - passing the Bar, turning down a London LLM, instead heading to SAn Diego for one in federal criminal defense.. and I know you were thinking about law school... sometimes I feel like I'm trying to walk without one foot, mere stumbling along, you not being here. That someone so special could choose to leave taints all else, and always will. Trying to do good and be beter Ry, and missing you always, ya lil turd... Justin Shrader Hey Ryan, Its been a while since i posted here but just wanted to say I always think about you. I was going through my address book yesterday and I still can't delete your email. Remember sending me pics that i could put in my phone so when you called me it would pop up with your face. Yeah good times!!! Miss you Ry. Brian M. Westbrook To all your friends, Ryan -- apologies for this site being down. We're back online and still missing you. Toby and I broke up... I really wish you were there to listen. You were always good at that. A year has passed and it hasn't gotten any easier to forget you. Perhaps I never will. :( --BMW (aka. "Bri Bri"). Cameron Hey buddy.. just thinking about you as I do each time I light the candles in the morning. Found this and it made me cry. me and my brother tried to commite suicide together 8 months ago...we both took 145 tablets each...my brother ricky died...i lived...he gave me the tablets that didnt matter if i took 1000 of them they wouldnt make any difference and he took all the 800g tablets his body couldnt take it..i only vomited.. and i had to sit and watch my brother die...he was only 17..(im 15)i tried to save him but it was too late and now i have to live with that everyday of my life...but im guessin that he knew something i didnt...because a month ago i gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl called latisha perez( im half spanish)...and that means at the time me and my brother commited suicide i would have been just 2 months gone...i know my brothers looking down on me and latisha everyday...i thank god everyday for latisha but i cry everyday for the uncle she could of had...theres always other solutions rather than suicide.. you dont have to think about the ones taht will hurt if you die... becuase your pain is the most important but think of the future when these problems have gone and what you can have and if its over an ex or a boy or even a girl...the father of latisha left me when he found out about my brother...and he hasnt ever seen latisha but im in love now...with my fiance and hes a great father to latisha and has helped me threw all the bad times so just remember when theres nothing left..maybe its becuase your looking to hard...sometimes you just have to sit back and wait in life...everything comes together in the end..dont listen to the people that put you down or laugh at your problems...they dont know you...smile lift your head up and show them that your strong enough to rise above them...dont waste your life ..because in a few years you can show people that your worth more than they are and that youve made it through...be strong and think of the things youll miss out on..people come and go in our lives but its up to us whether we're srtong enough to let them go...xxx Christopher A. Pasco Last weekend was gay pride, and I was almost in tears at one point when I realized that Ryan would no longer be laughing and smiling and going around with our little group of friends. It just wasn't the same without you Ryan. Brian M. Westbrook News of another friends' death is about to shake up our community ... and I can't help but think of the day we all learned of yours, Ryan. I hope and pray his friends find the strength we found in yours. --BMW. Joshua Olsen Ryan's comments on a friend's suicide: "From: Ryan_Robertson To: "Josh Olsen" Subject: Re: The Josh-man Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 12:03:59 -0700 Reading the words "little Mike's death" made me shudder. It seems so distant to me but the words make it more real. I can't believe that he is gone. I was only in his presence for a short period of time, but I still can't believe he is gone. I've thought of suicide so many times in my life so I understand some of the internal hell he was going through. Honestly, it was my Mother and Erasure that kept me alive during those times. My mother because I knew it would kill her and Erasure because their music always gave me hope when I felt there wasn't any. FUCK! I wish the world weren't such a fucked up place that someone has to jump out of a building to escape from the pain. Please, please, please send the letter to Mike. He needs to read it. He needs see the words on paper. There isn't a single untruth in the letter and it is written in total honesty. Maybe it will jolt him out of his arrogance. Who knows. I'm so glad you had a chance to talk to his parents. I'm so glad you were able to fill in some of the holes. I can't imagine the pain, loss and confusion they feel right now. Ryan" Joshua Olsen Ryan, I haven't written because it doesn't really feel like talking to you. For months afterwards, I would reach for my cell to talk to you. I was calling you after you did it, before I knew. I've been trying to deal with my anger about your decision. If there was anyone that knew everything about your life it was me. I know why you didn't tell me, but I can't believe you came to see me in Monterey before doing it. You slept in my bed, ate with me, the usual. You called me your husband. I knew all your dirty secrets. I listened to every boyfriend drama, mortgage problem, med change, you name it. You said we'd retire to the south of France. You said you'd visit me every-time I was in Italy. I was the guy that got you. The $500 phone-bill from Brazil. You weren't afraid to cry in front of me, have a panic attack in front of me, to be ugly. You didn't run from me, you turned off the phone when I asked. Why Ryan? I got another credit card offer for you last week. It just sits on the table. You were such a big part of my life. Now what? How many years will you be on my credit report? How long will it take me to finish up our BA account miles? Will I ever have a relationship like this again? This is killing me Ryan. It's not getting better, the mourning just continues like waves on a beach. I defended your HIV status, somehow proving how well I knew you. No one knows who I am except your ex that met me. He consoled me (or tried) at your memorial. He said that my loss was so much more than his because of our connection. Throughout all of your relationships, I was there. I was your anchor and you let go. My strength wasn't enough for both of us. Michael Jouver Ryan, there isn't a day where I don't think something about you. About our friendship, memories or what has happened. Its the dull pain in my head and my heart and I miss you so much. I still ask myself the questions that will never be answered. I will always wish for more time. Craig We went camping this weekend. A group of about 10 of us, to Lake Chelan, to the same site/s we were at last time. Against everyones expectations, Kyle did not fall into a fire, I did not yell excessively at out neighbours, Collin did not get blitzed at Red Robbin and no one wrecked a jet ski. I did however finally win a game of Risk. Chateau Taylor was supplemented by Chateau PellePasco. Ryan, it just wasnt the same without you. I didnt really expect it to be, but then I didnt expect to miss you so much. There will be no more Lake Chelan camping for me. Peace Ryan. Natalie It's my birthday today. It's not quite the same this year. Miss you. Jim Carter It's been six months since we lost Ryan. I think about him every day and miss him so much (especially since it's almost Seadoo season)! In July, there is an amazing event happening in San Francisco called Out of the Darkness Overnight. Over 2000 people will walk 20 miles from dusk till dawn to raise money to support suicide prevention and education. I will be walking for Ryan. Please come join me and we can form a "Ryan Team" or sponsor me in Ryan's memory. It's easy. Just go to: http://www.theovernight.org/fundraising/jimcarter 85 degrees tomorrow Ryan. Looks like summer is starting early... where has the year gone? It seems like just yesterday I was having the best summer of my life, in part because of the memories I shared with you. Autumn, winter and spring have passed by so quickly, I thought I would have this time to mourn and get over things. I never imagined seeing the summer approach and come to the realization that you won't be here. I'm sorry Ryan. Tod From Jermey's message I have a lot ro say. I met you Ryan at Rplace at one time, and I'm so sorry to hear you took your own life. Later this week I'm going to share my story so that if anyone on this email chain is thinkng the same about taking his own life I hope my words will be healing words to everyone that reads it. Let's put it this way, if I had the chance and did comnmit suicide from what my family knows went I went through, they would have been sad but understable. With that said I will share some light on the subject so anyone reading this it will hopefully help them! Tod Jeremy Wow Ryan-- Have you ever played that game late at night where you Google for different people's names from your past? People that you always wondered, "What ever happened to...?" That's how I found your website, seven months after you left. I worked with you at Newton, way back in 1997. Your office was around the corner from my cubicle. I was fresh out of college and landing a job at Apple, even if it only was as a lowly contractor, was a dream come true. If I ever considered suicide myself, the biggest selling point for me was being able to look down and see all the people I knew, see them be sorry for not having treated me more nicely. But in a sort of inverted Pascal's wager, I always ended up figuring you only had everything to lose betting that there would be that kind of an afterlife, and so suicide wasn't worth it. All the same, right now I hope that you can look down and read all these entries, read all of the minds of all the people you ever knew, so that you can know how loved and admired you were. For instance, now you know about the time I went out on a date with another ex-Apple guy a few years after I worked with you, and we both discovered that we had had secret crushes on you. Or about how when I was still at Apple, I would go to a friend of mine's office down the hall and she and I would gossip about you. "He's objectively cute," she said once about you, and I have never seen anyone else since who fits that description so well. Now you know that you were secretly famous. Maybe you suspected it while you were alive, but you felt frustrated that you were never able to reap the rewards of fame. One of the funny things about the gay world in particular is that the guys who radiate so much charm, beauty, and self-confidence can be some of the loneliest people on earth. Everyone thinks they have got it made, so no one ever approaches them. A bittersweet tragedy: people talk about them behind their backs, but to say nice things, not mean things. The things people are too shy to tell them to their faces. So anyways, now you know about how you persisted in my memory, almost ten years after I worked with you. When I think of you, I think of one of the things you did that nearly made me melt-- when you pulled yourself up the outside wall of my cubicle, your grinning head bobbing above the edge, to ask me a question: "Jeremy, how do you spell 'copious'?" I know from reading your friends' entries that you liked to hang out in London-- I wonder if you ever came to Amsterdam, where I live now. It would have been funny to run into you. Michael Jouver Hey Ryan, I was just thinking about you. Kinda talking to you in my head, listening to music that struck the chord to drop a message. I miss you like crazy, still doing my best though. Love you. Justin Shrader I am in Thailand. Not sure if you ever got a chance to come here, but I do believe you would love it here. Very Very Beautiful. Miss you. Brian M. Westbrook Back in London. Remembering your letters from here the week we met. *shrug* --BMW. Justin Each time I read your site, I find myself reading your letter everytime. I can't help but to notice how it seems we had the same child hood. Given I am still young maybe you whe you were 22. The differece is YOU helped me think different about things. I just wish I could have helped you Ry. I still wish I came over to watch that movie with you and Jim. I MISS YOU!! Cameron It still feels like the day I found out about your passing. Here it is seven months, to the day, and I still feel the initial shock and pain in my abdomen every time I think back to that dreadful call. I miss you buddy, each and every day. We all do. I hope you are having a blast these days. Making plenty of new friends along the way I'm sure. It is almost boating season. I am so excited. Cameron It still feels like the day I found out about your passing. Here it is seven months, to the day, and I still feel the initial shock and pain in my abdomen every time I think back to that dreadful call. I miss you buddy, each and every day. We all do. I hope you are having a blast these days. Making plenty of new friends along the way I'm sure. It is almost boating season. I am so excited. Imagine a place were you can't hirt where your tears will be wiped away and you will cry no more and this place will be like dream but it will not be a dream it will be there when your gone WM All these months later and I still find myself continuing to visit this site. For once in my life, there aren't any additional words left in my lexicon to convey the emotions I continue to feel... I miss you! Gregory Cook Ry, I found that birthday card that you gave me for my 35th. All I could do is sit and cry, one because of the beautiful things you said to me, two because I'll never be able to thank you for touching me so deeply. SO saying thanks here is the best I can do at this point. Ryan I miss you sooooo much. Ryan i understand where you were coming from in your letter, and i feel the same pain you felt nearly everyday. Your letter is like many letters i've written but never follow through on over the years. I'm sorry that it became too much and you felt suicide was your only option left, I hope I never get to that point myself. You always made me smile when you were around and i love ya for it, I hope you found the peace you were looking for, because i know how much of a toll the torment and depression can take day to day. D I just turned 33 ry and of course i thought about you...i was shopping at madison market the other day and was struck by sadness once again...two boys that worked there had been killed....again it made me think how fragile life really is...i try to value each and everyday as much as possible...i also try to tell the people i love to do the same...but i must admit some days i really understand why you did it..life is hard and its filled with bullshit that we have to face..yet i carry on the best i can...i miss you always and it still hurts(i suppose it always will)...on a happy note i'm working on my shit and trying to become a better man..(i hope your not watching and laughing at my progress)...also i saw someone you loved the other day...he looked quite pretty and he was walking a small dog...aaahhh youth...i love you ryan... Justin Shrader Sorry March 31st Justin Shrader Today is May 31st on the side of the world I am on. I just was thinking about you and reading your site daily. Just wish, when I arrived back home in seattle I could just call you and say HI. MISS YOU Robert Ryan; I did not know you very well, but I have know your family for some time now. I watched your brothers Chase and Adam grow up. Now Adam is getting married. I wish you were here to celebrate with him. I know they miss you and loved you very much. Brian M. Westbrook Ry Ry, I have nearly 50 emails that for whatever reason I saved. Remember the questions? You brightened my life then, and continue to do so now. I have no idea where this is going, so many months later, or what this site will mean in the months and years to come... but I find comfort. It's my hope that others do as well. I put on my (re-)reading list "Prayers For Bobby". I'm scared to think there could be a book called "Prayers For Ryan". --BMW. Kelly Scott Well Ry, you just 'got' a trio of rabbits (www.heifer.org). I know I know, it wasn't on your wish list, but frankly ya dork, your early September departure sort of cost you your vote, so there. Somewhere there's a family wondering who or what the hell an 'RKR' is (course, some wondered the same thing in Seattle). Would have gotten the gift 'round Christmas in your name, but was broke and an emergency appendectomy slowed me down a mite. I know you can empathasize: my scar is prettier than yours too. I remember you often Ry, will always, and will always ponder how I could have been a better friend, with less ego in the way of it. This is also how I have chosen to remember you. Next year you're highly likely to 'get' a pig. R. Clio Robertson( Ryans Dad) Craig, I still read this web site every week! I have not yet been able to say goodby to Ryan. A very large hole is still in my heart which will probably never go away. Craig Taylor In a few days here this will be six months. "That I would be good, even if I did nothing, that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down"..... Was I ever good Ryan? Was I a good friend? I still wonder what I did wrong. I still wonder how things could have gotten so bad for you that you decided to leave us. I still remember talking to you the Monday before you left us, I still wonder what I should have done to help you. I still wonder, about life and about death. I wonder if anyone still looks at this website, I wonder if people still think about you as I do. I wonder about the meaning of life, I wonder about the meaning of death. "So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way, I looked at clouds from both sides now. I really dont know clouds at all. I really dont know life at all." Its almost time for our next scooby dinner. Its going to be just terrible without you there, but in all reality you will be there in spirit. In a few weeks we will most likely be doing a trip to moscow and dammit, no rules will change, we will use the same scooby score card and we will follow the same routine, not to honor you, but to honor us, and the love we shared as our group of friends. We miss you ryan. "I really dont know life at all". Craig Taylor In a few days here this will be six months. "That I would be good, even if I did nothing, that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down"..... Was I ever good Ryan? Was I a good friend? I still wonder what I did wrong. I still wonder how things could have gotten so bad for you that you decided to leave us. I still remember talking to you the Monday before you left us, I still wonder what I should have done to help you. I still wonder, about life and about death. I wonder if anyone still looks at this website, I wonder if people still think about you as I do. I wonder about the meaning of life, I wonder about the meaning of death. "So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way, I looked at clouds from both sides now. I really dont know clouds at all. I really dont know life at all." Its almost time for our next scooby dinner. Its going to be just terrible without you there, but in all reality you will be there in spirit. In a few weeks we will most likely be doing a trip to moscow and dammit, no rules will change, we will use the same scooby score card and we will follow the same routine, not to honor you, but to honor us, and the love we shared as our group of friends. We miss you ryan. "I really dont know life at all". Michael Jouver Time moves on and I have done some moving on myself. I still think about you every day Ryan. I don't know how long it will be before I give up the hope of being able to change what happened. You have a piece of my heart and I will always try to be the kind of great person you were. There are still those moments when I'd flip my phone to your number to call you or text about something and realize all I can do is think it in my head. I know you hear it somehow, I only wish you could respond. I love you babe, always will. Ryan the HRC BOwling event was pretty much a success this year. I remember trying to get you to go last year but you were going on a little trip to the UK. How quickly time passes. Justin Shrader Back on my ship once again, I just wish you could be with friends and loved ones. God knows we wish we could be with you. Natalie I found a postcard from you tonight that I didn't even know I had - it is nearly three years old. Right now I am so happy that I hardly clean out that basket. I love you and miss you dearly... wish you were here. COLLIN AND KYLE RYAN: Collin has managed to get me totally trashed and, just so you know, we have solved ALL of life's problems. I am getting a Mac (tawlk amoungst yoursellllvesss) PCs Suck. I need a boyfriend. It was sunny today but so cold that we had to wear double the underwear... which for Collin meant switching to lace. You are so beatiful to me, Love you - KYLE Tony C Happy Valentines day Ryan I'm sending out lots of love in your name today Justin S Im going to Canada this weekend, wish you could go. Love you Ry Well in the end he did what he wanted to do. Reasons and excuses don't negate what happened. The choice to end his life was his alone and it's a choice we all have. Shawn It's January 28th and I just learned of Ryan's death through this site last night. I'm in schock. I'm still hoping this is some cruel joke. We were acquaintances, not really friends, though I always wanted to be. I first met him in 1999 at a friend's party. I have seen him sporadically through out the years online, at RPlace, at the airport, and at Pride. He always seemed to pop into my life. For a long time, I had such a crush on him. He was beautiful inside and out. I can't fathom how this could have occurred. He truly seemed to have it all: looks, intelligence, compassion, success, and most importantly, a plethora of friends and a loving family. How could he have felt alone? Those of you that knew him in his last months, please help me to understand what he was going through. Please tell me there was more to his pain than just not having found "The One" at age 32. Lots of people, gay and straight, are in that position. Also, there was some mention of an article on him in Seattle Gay News. Was there also an obituary in the Seattle Times. Please feel free to email me on any of this, including a link to the SGN article. I want to come to some sort of understanding. My deepest sympathies to his family and fiends. Collin H It's just those little things that keep reminding all of us of just how lucky we really were to have met and maybe some of us to "know" Ryan. It's a loss that I still deal with, and I am sure I always will. But at the end of the day, he will always make me smile. *Smooches Poodle* Brycen Hunter 4 months to the date. It's Friday the 13th and so far it's been raining all year. Brycen Hunter 4 months to the date. It's Friday the 13th and so far it's been raining all year. Wendy D. I feel such sadness for your brother and your mother and dad and all your family because the pain they are going through I dont want to say it's worst than your friends but they knew you since birth and their pain will last a life time. I hope they will all know that Ryan loved them and I hope everybody heals the best way they can. You are an angle Ryan. Wendy D. I feel such sadness for your brother and your mother and dad and all your family because the pain they are going through I dont want to say it's worst than your friends but they knew you since birth and their pain will last a life time. I hope they will all know that Ryan loved them and I hope everybody heals the best way they can. You are an angle Ryan. Dusty Oh Ryan, I finally just got to see the photo montage you made. I feel very honnered to be in it. I Love you and miss you very much. I pray that you found Peace in the Light. Justin S Hey Ryan, just at work at 2:30am thinking about you. I miss you bud.. Just thinking of all the parties and fun you will miss this year. How so many thing are so different with out seeing you around. Miss you . Love always. Gregory Cook Happy Anniversary!!! It's been ten years since we first met that New Years eve. You were my midnight kiss, damn don't I wish I could have givin you another this year. I'm angry that I'll never be able to give you one. You are always going to be part of me, thank you for coming into my life, so sorry you left it. Kelly Scott Thanks to the webmaster and those who help with this site: it's helped. Another year, Ry. What can I say? Simply missing checking in on you, seeing more wrinkles around your eyes, laugh lines, growth.... making sure you were 'taken care of' for another holiday. You're a touchstone of sorts now, then again, you always were, at least in doing my best for other things than toys and boys. Talking to you again will one day be so sweet..... Brad Thomas Ryan, Haven't been online in a while, finally moved out of my old apt! About time huh? I live on the hill now, as you always told me, "Gay central". Turned 21 in november and wished you could have been there to celebrate it with me, even if you never drank. I really dont remember much of the night, had you been there you would have surely told me ever last detail. I wanted to say that i miss you so much and think of you daily. Seems a bit odd to drive across the water to work, I blow a kiss everytime i cross the 90, this way there is never a day i dont think of you. Happy belated birthday! Wish you were here for the holidays and the new year. Love you, miss you! Nick Nussbaum I ran into Jason on Christmas eve outside Starbucks on Capital Hill. He was up visiting from San Diego and told me about Ryan's death and this website. Oddly enough I last saw Ryan the previous Christmas week outside the same Starbucks. I had lost track of him and he gave me his phone number which I lost. I tried to find him several times over the last year, but failed. Reading his letter makes me feel bad that I hadn't tried harder. I met Ryan years ago in Broadway market. He recognized I was reading Apple documentation and he was in the midst of his passion for the Newton. Although I didn't really move in his socieal set he was a friend at a very bad time in my life, and I'm sorry I couldn't be there for him this last year, even though I am not arrogant enough to think that I could have changed his mind. I'm going to miss him a lot. He was a brave and generous man. Not-so-happy new year. David Ryan, it's hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that a new year is starting and you won't be around to share in all the possibilities. The realization that you are gone hurts less and less with each passing moment, but that doesn't mean the pain of losing you will go away. I am, however, learning to laugh and love again, and trying to recall memories of you and I filled with laughter and love, because I think that is how you would have wanted it. I still miss you big guy, but I will have an extra toast tonight for you in your honor, and dance with a little more enthusiasm just thinking about you and the four wonderful years I had you in my life. Here's to 2005 Ryan, lets usher in 2006 with love... Cheers! Justin Shrader I have done nothing Ryan but sometimes sit around and think about you, on how much I see my life just like yours. My childhood and such. Maybe even my future.. work wise. One thing I do know. You have changed the way I view LIFE and I thank you for that daily.. I love you Ryan.. Michael Jouver Merry Christmas Ryan, still doesn't feel right without you. Watch over us in the new year. XO Justin Shrader Merry Christmas Ryan.. I sure do miss you! Amber Ryan, I didn't know you... I wish I had though. You have made such an impact on so many people's lives. Just keeping up with this site and watching everyone who love you as they grieve has made a huge impact on me. I hope you are somewhere better having the time of your life. Everyone loves you. To Ryan's Friends and Family : The holidays are always so hard after you lose someone. Especially someone as great as Ryan. I just want to say Merry Christmas to all of you. My prayers will be with you this holiday season. Amber Eric E At Lake Chelan this past September, Ryan, W, C, and I snuck away from our camp site and drove into town for lunch. We stopped at the local greasy spoon next to a dock. After we got our food, someone (I think C) clumsily dropped a hot piping cheese stick in the parking lot. Anticipating lost food, about a dozen gulls hovered over the food stand and a quick one grabbed the stick almost before it hit the ground. Now I look at gulls and think they're not only dirty and noisy but big cheese stick lovers too. And I have Ryan to thank for that. Jim In response to Kelly Scott and other who might be interested: Ryan does have a final resting place that you can visit. A service of committal was held for him on Lake Washington. His ashes were distributed by his brother Chris, his mother Caroline, his stepfather Fred, Skyler, and Jim. The best way to visit is to head to Madison Beach. His final resting place is about twenty-five feet beyond the swimming area. The beach/park is a nice place to sit and remember the many wonderful times shared with Ryan. Sunday after the committal service, Whitney, Kyle and I returned to the site to drop flowers...by way of Seadoo, of course! :-) Everyone mourns the death of this beautiful man in their own way. ry- Brokeback Mountain comes out this friday...i'm sad i can't ask you to go see it..i miss you...i never told you how beautiful you were this summer...but you were...god i hope you have found the peace you deserved when you were here. C Please understand this site is reserved for those of us who are here to remember and/or communicate with Ryan. None of us are here to say we are stronger or weaker than Ryan. If you need help, please seek it via another avenue. I've got a jackass of an ex-boyfriend who screwed me over so many times in so many ways I can't even begin to describe. I have no money because I tried to help him because my life just became all about him so I helped him get out of debt and for the first many months we were together he did not work at all and I got laid off and the only way I (we) could survive was by draining my 401K money and now I have a new job which is completely senseless that pays practically nothing because my boss is a cheap asshole who's totally loaded himself (both with money and shit) and I have to fight to get him to pay for a freaking doctor visit. My car is the same one I've been driving since I bought it in 1993 and it's starting to get all sorts of things wrong with it and I don't have any money to get it fixed much less get it licensed. I e-mailed both my parents and told them that I can't buy gifts this year for Christmas so just call me instead on Christmas Day so we can talk because to me that's what Christmas is about this year...the fact that we're all still alive and I wasn't sent to this stupid freaking war that this god awful president of ours started (and he caused 9/11 too) but everyone is too stupid to figure it out or do something about it because the world has become so full of narcissistic selfish greedy polluting idiots who just don't care that we can no longer eat the fish and drink the water and swim in the ocean and breathe the air and have sex because it kills us, and on and on and on. None of us here alive on this earth right now were intended to live the way we are living now. Why, o dear lord why, won't God intervene? WHY??? I worked my ass off to take a week vacation in Mexico (unpaid) where I cut my foot on the beach and I wound up with a bacterial infection of some kind and/or because I played around with some damn stripper while I was there and now it burns when I piss. I have a dr. appt. at 4:30, by the way. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to pay for it. My house is a mess. My clothes are a mess. My shoes...I won't even go into that. I hate my job. I hate the fact that I have a manipulative ex-boyfriend whom I loved more than I could ever be capable of loving anyone, and I can't get him out of my head. And I have to live with the fact that I didn't like myself any better to put a stop to it all and I let him do this to me. I have no idea how I'm going to move on. I have no idea how I'm going to pay my bills. I have no idea what the hell I should do with my life. Nothing has gone as planned... NOTHING! But do you know what? I'll never stop trying to make it better. Kelly Scott As ever, I miss you terribly Ry. Sometimes I wish it were your version of 'Its A Wonderful Life' and you could come back that I might take you through the differences you have made, and you'd realize how many more you would make, and stayed. I can't. The crying has ebbed, the longing and emptiness has and will not. Now I understand gravesites: a ritualistic place to talk to departed loved ones. And damn it boy, you haven't got one... ..but I talk to you anyway.. ..often. I think too of guilt: did I affirm you enough? Did I let you know how much I valued you, so much that above all else I couldn't bear your absence, so much that'd you have confidence to simply open up? Did I fail to check in often enough? Should I have refused your bland 'Doin' all right's and bulled through to what was really going on inside you? Laid out new horizons and taken you on them? Guilt.... and I won't let that happen with any others. But of course also, all that is a small thing, paling besides the simple fact that I can't see you now for what to me will be a long time. But as for now thirteen years, and will be for always, happy birthday, cuz I'm glad you were born. Chris Luton ~Robertson, I am going to make an attempt Ryan. This has been tough for me... As well as for others... Others whom i've not really been in contact with. I am as always at a loss for words. I love you so much and think about you everyday. Happy Birthday! I know that I haven't said anything. I miss you so much. I see people I know through you, not people I know. I know that they know me... Yet I shy away. wordless, heartless and think about how much my life was different knowing you and how much it is different not knowing you. I was really stoked that you were going to Vegas with us in Sept. I am sorry that I went. I am sorry that I didn't change my flight. I think it's the way that you had planned it. maybe. You were so influential in so many aspects in my life. I miss your continuous input, your constant laughter and the times that we'd ask ourselves what we'd be like when we were in our 60's.. Would we still be this fun? I am sorry that in your last weeks I was not there for you as a friend. We had distance and I know you were upset that Doug and I didn't go camping. I wanted to be there. Sometimes I guess I just need to be shaken. You've done that to me. I love you Ryan. Always. Luton-san (The i-pod-u jokes aren't the same without you.) Ryan - Madison Park was beautiful today (a bit cold though), I can't believe I haven't been back there since the night of your passing, it's hard for me to visit that place now without remembering and thinking about you. If you listened hard enough you could still hear the sounds from this summer, cute boys taking their shirts off, splashing around in the water, and your laughter that I miss so much. Anyways I left you a gift on "our" bench, I hope somehow it manages to get to you. Peace honey. hey honey, happy birthday. whatever happened to our plan to host a joint birthday party, remember you wanted to get me inundated with the gay community (you were always looking out for me). in any case i'll make my birthday wish for peace and love and understanding, all the things you wanted, and dedicated it in your honor. thank you for making me want to be a better human being, i love you always and rejoyce in my memories on this special day! Skyler Happy Birthday baby. I drove by your place today and thought of everything that had happened there. I wish I could knock on the door and see you, and tell you happy 33rd. I miss you so much. Gregory Cook My 40th birthday, Has arrived, Yours is here as well. Remember what we said we were going to do? Guess I'm left to do it all alone, what a crappy birthday this is...... The 11th. Alex Coupe I just got an electronic reminder that its your birthday on the 10th. Time is starting to heal the wounds but not a day goes by that I don't think about your or something reminds me of you. Anyhow, happy birthday kiddo you are constant reminder to me of the fragility of life. Love always! Alex Justin Shrader I was Jims house yesterday watching Desperate Housewives. Wish you where there.. Miss you RY.. Justin I know I didn't know you terribly well. I regret that. I wish I'd known you were struggling. I would have emailed, I would have reached out, I would have tried to know you better and give you somebody to talk. Somebody that you likely could have related to on the issue, and perhaps I could have helped. I had thoughts of suicide in my life, as I'm sure many people have - I just never acted. I wish you hadn't. Again, I'm not terribly sure why, because hell, I didn't even know you that well. But dammit, I miss you and still think about you often. I hope you're doing alright and have found the solace you were searching for. I continue to miss you, and will not forget you. You were and are still loved by many, no matter what doubts you may have had! BMW The holidays are here. But where are you? I miss you Ry Ry... :( Aaron Ryan, You show up in my thoughts more frequently than anyone could realize. Your death has changed me and I am trying to make sense of it. I want so badly to enjoy my own life, and for everyone else to enjoy theirs. I pray for you every night Ryan. Your name now sadly placed on the list of lost loved ones will never be forgotten. I hope that you know this, and I hope you realize that you've left behind a great number of people with saddened and troubled hearts. We love and miss you. Michael Jouver Nearing the time that we would have met for the first time. Not even a year knowing you, yet it felt and feels like a lifetime. Yet now it will feel like a lifetime or more until we meet again. Things have been better and yet I finally opened the video to see what I missed and see again what I did and I cried harder than I have in a while. I think about you constantly. Places we've been, things we've done, conversations we've had. I pray you are safe and at peace. You changed my life so drastically leaving my life as you did coming into it. I want to continue to learn and live, someday fulfilling my dreams and understanding yours. Ryan, there is always a place filled with love for you in my heart. ...and that part in your letter where you wrote "and some of you probably don't care"...well you were just plain wrong about that... Ryan, I realize that guys can be shallow, and there are many gay ones that have their priorities completely out of whack, here in Seattle and everywhere else. No, it's not just in Seattle by the way. But good Lord, was it worth killing yourself over? You left a lot of people in pain, Ryan. Even me. And I never met you. You let the bastards get you down...way down. Down so far you could no longer see it to pull yourself out and move forward. It scares me that something like that can happen to a person. Perhaps that's the biggest lesson you've left us all with. I'm so sorry. I'll forever wish things would have worked out differently for you. I think about you all the time. Go to the light and find peace, oh handsome man. I know you're never very far away. -Just some [gay] guy you never met. Dillon Ry-so i was really getting over this...i swear..and then our acupunturist asked about you, and there i was with needles in my back crying again..the following day there was this guy in the video store that looked like you and i freaked for a second...lets not talk about the dreams..all i know is i miss you and i keep expecting the phone to ring and you leaving a silly message about your hair..Logan came in for a cut and of course, all we could talk about was you..(i'm sure on some level you love that!)...Marc came in and we kinda avoided the subject(but i know he misses you)...also your former str8 co-worker that stares at my dick as i cut his hair(as if i don't notice)came in.. god you were suppose to seduce him! I find myself still struggling to be a good person and to find joy in the mundane aspects of life...i did spend some time(in your honor of course) persuing our favorite hobbie(you know the one and i know in my heart that you approve)....you always told me that big cock made everything better..not this time...i tried using sex, and shopping and anything instant gratification wise to numb me from my unhappiness...ya know what? It doesn't work...people still suck in seattle and our addictions don't ease that...So Ry i have been going to acupuncture once a week..i'm on herbs..i'm trying to find the joy..really i swear...my eight year relationship is going better..after you left, i realized that if you have someone who loves you, its better to fight and hold on as hard as you can, then to take them for granted and try and look for the next best thing(the gays are always looking for the next best thing)...i don't want to end up regretting the way i've conducted myself...I miss and love you ryan...i wish you could have seen that it would have been alright...anyone of the people on this page would have held you until the pain went away..now we are left with that pain.. C Still and always will miss you. My world has been forever changed. I keep coming back... again and again... ...your voicemail got disconnected... Skyler Babe you always made fun of me for not being able to sing, but beyonce can, and this makes me think of you: I love you. Baby I love you You are my life My happiest moments weren't complete If you weren't by my side You're my relation In connection to the sun With you next to me There's no darkness I can't overcome You are my raindrop I am the sea With you and God, who's my sunlight I bloom and grow so beautifully Baby, I'm so proud So proud to be your guy You make the confusion Go all away From this cold and messed up world. I am in love with you You set me free I can't do this thing Called life without you here with me Cause I'm Dangerously In Love with you I'll never leave Just keep lovin' me The way I love you loving me. Every time I see your face My heart smiles Every time it feels so good It hurts sometimes Created in this world To love and to hold To feel To breathe To love you. Dangerously in love Can't do this thing I love you , I love you, I love you I'll never leave Just keep on loving me I'm in love with you I can not do I cannot do anything without you in my life Holding me, kissing me, loving me Dangerously I love you Dangerously in love. Scott P. I read of Ryan's death only few days ago in the SGN. While I didn't know him personally, I do recall seeing this very handsome man about town. I know it sounds strange but now I'd wish I had said hello. Reading about his tragic death and seeing his impact on many lives on this website of those who did know him is to me profoundly sad. My heart goes out to his large circle of family and friends. RIP, Ryan. You were obviously a beautiful man inside and out. Michael Jouver Seemed like everyone was out last night, all it needed was you. Everyday seems like it needs a little bit of Ryan and I think its does, just not in the way I/we would all like. Still miss you as much as ever, but carrying on because that's the thing to do. XO Brian M. Westbrook Halloween just wasn't the same without you... Patrick In the early 90's I lost some friends due to a fairly new disease. I thought that their passing was stupid and a complete waste. I felt lost and scared and completely out of place. I'm having those feelings again. We won't forget you Ryan, but man, this is just wrong, for lack of a better word. Justin Shrader The more and more time that goes by, I am slowly getting over Ry leaving us. Just know Ryan you are greatly missed and we want you back.. Love you buddy. Jane We knew each other what seems forever ago, but memories of you always bring a smile to my face. driving around in your sassy green Honda Del Sol; blaring Erasure from your office across the hall from mine; the fresh perspective you brought to our group about life and how to treat each other; your handsome, handsome self and the sometimes mischievous glint in your eye. I hope you have found the peace. self-love, and ease you so deserved in this life. Whitney McGill Today I saw a rust colored Element (I see them EVERYWHERE) and for the first time, I smiled. Usually my eyes fill with tears, but today, it was just happy memories that filled my head. There are so many great memories I am left with, but I want more. I can't hold memories or take them to lunch. I want the real thing. Ryan K. Robertson I want you back! rachel i feel weird posting on here, because i didn't know ryan at all. i do, however, work at the store where he rented the tank. i received the call from his family about it, and i was there when they brought it back. they didn't specify what had happened, but i already knew. i didnt know what to say, i'm a nobody to them. but i know what it's like to feel there are no other options, and i wish i could describe how much pain his death has caused me, even as a stranger. i hate that i inadvertently helped him do this, and i hate that i didnt know what was going on. i hate that i couldn't say anything to his family. today the same thing happened again with someone else. i dont know him either, but i remember him very clearly. he was one of the nicest customers i'd had all day, made me laugh, was patient with me in my overworked and overcaffeinated state. how could i have known? when someone else came in to return that tank, she asked me vaguely if i had any way of figuring out which people were going to do this, and i had no answer. i said i try to know, but i just cant. i had to walk away before i cried in front of her, and i wish i could have sat down and simply heard the story of this person who is so suddenly gone. that's the problem - i know logically that i couldnt have known what ryan was going to do, but i cant help agonizing over maybe SOMEHOW guessing, doing something differently. anything. i cant even process all of it because i'm grieving people i never knew. i dont know any of you who were his real friends. i wish i did, if only to talk to someone who would understand. no one understands why i'm so upset by it, they've all told me that since it's someone i didnt know, it shouldnt affect me so much. but i disagree. whether i was friends with him or not, i unknowingly had a hand in something tragic and i need to make up for it. i just dont know how. i feel guilty and sad and stuck. if there's anything i can possibly do, please contact me. it's been haunting me constantly. i wish ryan's friends and family all the courage and strength in the world, and love to everyone who thinks they are alone. i'm so sorry. "Racism is so hot right now." -RKR Andy I recently heard about Ryan's death and this website. I am trying to make sense of it all, but cannot. I met Ryan approximately five years ago and we very briefly dated. It was not meant to be but he did leave an impression. He was a very smart and sincere guy. I will never forget how much we both liked Absolutely Fabulous and would quote episodes and laugh. I introduced him to Queer as Folk and remeber watching the British version with him together. We had a lot in common. We both were relentlessly bullied in high school for being gay and different. I really respected his courage to come out and stand tall. I wish I had the same courage as he had in high school. We also shared a strong relationship with our moms. He was always sad about how difficult his mom's recovery was from an accident a few years back. I could only imagine how much his death has hurt her. I wish I got to know him more in the following years-we would occasionally run into each other and say hi. The gay community can be vicious and lonely. I agree. It is just sad to see such a bright star now exstinguished. He had such promise, intelligence, and overall beauty. He leaves behind so much and it is very sad. My sincere condolences to all his friends and family. Jake Standish Well, it has taken me quite some time to get to the point of ever considering putting anything on here. I am still not sure if I agree with the whole premise, but Ryan was always telling me to expand my horizons so here I go. I miss you desperately, but the funny thing is, I don't know if I feel sad anymore. I feel an amazing amount of love for you Ryan, so much so that I can sometimes feel overwhelmed by it. I have these fantastic memories of you, that are mine and mine alone, things I will never tell anyone about and moments I will never be able to share with anyone but you. I will never regret a single moment I spent with you, even that time you made me watch Schindler's List, just to watch me do the ugly cry. Everytime I walk into Starbuck's, it seems like that Joni Mitchell song is playing, and instead of feeling sad that you aren't here, more and more I feel like that you really are with me, forever a part of my life. There are so many things I could say, but mostly I just want to say thank you. Eric Eleopoulos (again) I'm tired of my brain telling me to post on this site. Here Brain - this is what you want. A post. Congratulations. I'm somewhat failing at my mission of loving myself. It gets harder as the days get darker. And darker. And wetter. And uglier. I miss my friend. And I get mad at my powerlessness. In many areas of my life right now. My hands are tied by grief. Your hands are tied by grief. Look at us, attempting to act normal without the use of our hands. We look silly. I look silly. Silly and sad. Without my hands. Without my friend. Tony I can't get anything written down that makes sense to me for this site. I have erased most of eveything I've written already a few times. I will put down that I'm going to be interviewing as many people as are interested and putting together a Podcast of fond stories and memories of Ryan. There are always so many things running through my head about this and I think that other people would want to share something in a way that doesn't require setting their thoughts down in type. So for the people who are interested please email me so we can set up some time to talk and record your experiences and fun times so we can all share and laugh for a change. I am striving to be a better person because of Ryan but this lesson is very hard to bear. Let's all see what we can do to keep this from happening to anyone else who's path we cross. Ryan, you know I always loved you, even though we sometimes butted heads over stupid reasons. I'm going to see if I can help to keep your memory alive, and the pain you went through from taking another away from their loved ones. Hey Ry.... What are you going to be for Halloween? Craig is having a big bash. You'd better have a great costume to blow us all away. I haven't begun to think about a costume yet. The BUMP is just two short weeks away. Yikes. I really need to get busy. We'll be looking for you. I love you Ryan. Bobby H Ryan, I had a dream the other night that you came back and told us that you had faked your death. In the mysterious dream-land I didn't question it. I remember hugging you in my dream and feeling so happy, but without warning I turned on you and became enraged. I was so angry I screamed at you. I wanted to know how you could do that to us? I wanted to know why you made us suffer? I asked how you could do that to your family and I asked if you saw what your death did to your father? You didn't answer me. I woke up. I finally got my anger out through my subconscious. I know I will never know why--I just wish that you could've planned a therapy session or private talk instead of a farewell camping trip. I hope you're happy wherever you are now. I'm fortunate to have 14+ years of fond memories of you. I really do miss you...I thought of you today when I saw the new iPods... Matt Morrissette I only knew you for one short summer but you had a lasting effect on my life. I enjoyed the time we spent together and getting to know you and who you were. When I was depressed and lonely, you were there and made me feel happy and liked. Wherever you are now, I hope that you feel the way you made me feel. I feel as if my head has turned into one of those plastic hamster balls and the subject of Ryan is the hampster. I've got the hamspter to stop running around in the ball, but now there is all this hamspter crap everywhere to clean up. Eric E********* I'm no longer addressing Ryan. Ryan's death has permanently affected how I treat people. When he said he hated the gay community and felt unloved, I understood. But now I understand where that hate and desperation could lead. And I don't want to go that direction without a fight. A good fight. Against what I perceive and what I can change and what I can do about my own life. How I treat others and how I treat myself has gone under microscopically-close observation this past month and I've learned gobs - yes, gobs - about what I can do to change. It's become somewhat cliche in the past few years or so, but I still believe Gandhi when he asked people to be the change they wished to see in the world. So I want to be a change. I want to be the lover. The nice one. The caring one. The role model. The citizen. The force. And I want to be what Ryan didn't think he could be - someone who loves themselves. I don't see any other way. Craig Where I wonder are you now my friend? I miss you so. There are so many things that I miss being able to talk to you about. My career is spinning 180 degrees right now and you always had a perspective that made it all make sense. I came out to my family a week or so ago and now things are getting weird, I am sure you would have being able to make sense of it all. I have decided to host the Halloween party again this year. You will be missed, tremendously. I only wish you were here to see my costume. How long I wonder will I grasp at your coat tails and wish you were still here? My doctor tells me that it will be a long time. I will be in London in November and booked a suite and our favorite hotel on Leicester Square. It will be hard to be there and not to expect running into you in the lobby or at G-A-Y. I still cant believe or accept you are gone. I guess your one song is so prolific here, "I really dont know life at all". I still understand why you did this, or what I could have done differently to have helped you. I try to remember the good times, the fun times, yet somehow that still makes me sad. You are missed my friend, in a way far greater than I think you ever anticipated you would be. Peace. Craig Where I wonder are you now my friend? I miss you so. There are so many things that I miss being able to talk to you about. My career is spinning 180 degrees right now and you always had a perspective that made it all make sense. I came out to my family a week or so ago and now things are getting weird, I am sure you would have being able to make sense of it all. I have decided to host the Halloween party again this year. You will be missed, tremendously. I only wish you were here to see my costume. How long I wonder will I grasp at your coat tails and wish you were still here? My doctor tells me that it will be a long time. I will be in London in November and booked a suite and our favorite hotel on Leicester Square. It will be hard to be there and not to expect running into you in the lobby or at G-A-Y. I still cant believe or accept you are gone. I guess your one song is so prolific here, "I really dont know life at all". I still understand why you did this, or what I could have done differently to have helped you. I try to remember the good times, the fun times, yet somehow that still makes me sad. You are missed my friend, in a way far greater than I think you ever anticipated you would be. Peace. Craig Where I wonder are you now my friend? I miss you so. There are so many things that I miss being able to talk to you about. My career is spinning 180 degrees right now and you always had a perspective that made it all make sense. I came out to my family a week or so ago and now things are getting weird, I am sure you would have being able to make sense of it all. I have decided to host the Halloween party again this year. You will be missed, tremendously. I only wish you were here to see my costume. How long I wonder will I grasp at your coat tails and wish you were still here? My doctor tells me that it will be a long time. I will be in London in November and booked a suite and our favorite hotel on Leicester Square. It will be hard to be there and not to expect running into you in the lobby or at G-A-Y. I still cant believe or accept you are gone. I guess your one song is so prolific here, "I really dont know life at all". I still understand why you did this, or what I could have done differently to have helped you. I try to remember the good times, the fun times, yet somehow that still makes me sad. You are missed my friend, in a way far greater than I think you ever anticipated you would be. Peace. Now cracks a noble heart, Good night sweet prince And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! Carlos Mellet Some of the one liners i miss hearing from you: sweetie darling/am chanting as we speak/lke the whales or tounges transend the wide oceans/she's sleeping now/it's a road/girl/who thad?/cheese on/edith pilaf/have you accepted jesus as your lord and savior?/I am Isis Im worshiped by millions who believe it!/ Dillon Riley God i miss you. I cut and styled your hair for over three years. I always got excited to see you and get that great big hug, and that beautiful smile. You shared things with me that i am grateful for. I want to apologize for not listening to you when you said that you weren't getting over "it". I thought it was just a phase, but looking back now i can see that sadness was there. You told me something that i should have known was a sign, but how did i know that you hurt so badly...please forgive me...You always made me laugh, who will i talk about big dick with now? I watched you suffer for six months and i couldn't do anything about it. All i can say is you deserved better, and i told you that. Thank you for listening about my life and being a therapist in return..you never judged me. I feel like you are watching over all of us now. I'm trying to be a better person now..i'm trying to enjoy life more...i'm doing things in your honor...the anger is passing and i'm left with knowing that you won't ever come thru that babershop door ever again and that sucks worse than anything...i'll always love you ryan...i hope there are big cocks in heaven...smile... Jason Brown It’s been a few weeks now, Ryan, and I’m no closer to understanding what’s happened. I don’t think I ever will understand: the challenge is in learning to live with it. Two weeks ago, I did the Ryan Robertson memorial walk. It was almost exactly three and a half years since we met, and the day was almost a carbon copy of the ones we had that weekend. Then it was the last days of winter, now the last days of summer, but in London these were almost indistinguishable. Sunny with hope, but with a lingering chill in the air. By myself I retraced that walk we did our first Saturday together, when I picked you up at your hotel in Leicester Square and took you across the Hungerford Bridge. We sat at the café at the National Film Theatre where my friend Rachel met us; she persuaded you to try a slice of lemon in your coke and when you said it was lovely, that sealed it for Rachel, you were in. We meandered up the south bank of the Thames to the Tate Modern, and crossed the Millennium foot bridge, wandering back through the city to Covent Garden where we had some lunch. So much of this city reminds me of you; just going into the West End overwhelmed me the first few times after I heard the awful news. This is where we got to know each other, and it will always be full of wonderful memories of you. I will miss how easy it was for me to make you laugh, you made me feel like the cleverest man in the world sometimes. You remembered things I said like they were bon mots when really they were just flights of fancy, and you would laugh at them all over again so many months later. I think of our tour of Buckingham Palace and what I told you the Cross Gallery was for (“Oh Philip, we could just spit!”) or watching Czech Pop Idol in Prague and making up the words for all the entrants’ background stories—sometimes I think our other friends actually hated the way you encouraged me to just free flow silliness. I will miss having someone to immediately text whenever I see a really beautiful guy, especially the ones who are inappropriately young. It’s almost cruel that that’s what I’d been meaning to do all day, before I got the call from your stepfather. I really regret that you always apologised for falling ill when you visited me that last time, this past February. We missed a couple days in Glasgow and another Erasure concert together, and in fact the only time you left my house was when I took you to the doctor for antibiotics. You felt so bad about being a burden on my hospitality, but Ryan I look back on those few days of us trapped in my house with incredible fondness. I got to spend that time with you alone, I felt like I was doing something for you to show how much you meant to me, and it was just us. No boys, no nightclubs, no planes to catch or hotels to find. You could always make me feel like your best friend, and that the months between our visits were completely insubstantial. My life is much better for having had you in it at all, no matter how brief the time was. Sleep well, my friend, and thank you for your unconditional love and support. Rowland Hobbs Ryan was courage. I came out after him in High School. He was a year older than and I adored him. I literally jumped on a plane when I heard the news in New York. The memorial was very hard. I lost my hero: Ryan gave me courage through the years. Courage to find places I could be happy. If I could give him some of that courage right now, I would. I miss his presence in this world so very, very much. I’ve looked through so many books to find that quote, somewhere in the ages, that would make sense of this: but I find Ryan’s passing somehow so irrational I’ve given up. But the courage he gave me remains. So I’ll keep looking. Whitney There have been some occasional moments where you haven’t consumed every thought I’ve had, but for the most part, the pain is still so present. There are some positive things coming out of this, but I would give ANYTHING to have you back (first born child, right testicle, money, etc…). I find myself trying to emulate your altruistic nature, but feel no matter my efforts, I will never be the guy you were. Prior to losing you, the concept of an afterlife was just some theological fairytale to me. Now, I am desperately clinging to the concept in hopes of seeing you again. Wherever you are, I hope you are spreading as much beatitude there as you did here! Eric E********* Hey, remember when we went to Wild Waves and we talked about paying the 10 bucks to ride the hoist-you-up-and-drop-you-a-few-hundred-feet-swing thing? You and I were a little scared of it, Ryan, but our third tried to convince us as we were standing in line for The Wild Thing roller coaster. We watched two or three different groups of people go on it and, each time, we chickened out just a little more. And we decided not to go on it. Of course now I'm sorry we didn't do it, Ryan. But guess what? Next year, I'm going on that s***ty f***ing swing and I'm going to scream my god**** head off. Just for you. And I hope - somewhere - you'll hear me, punk. Cause you should be doin it with me. Hey Ryan, I'm with ya on the whole gay image (sex is everything) thing. I hate it too. I also have a theory about "conforming non-conformists" I would have loved to get your opinion on. We never met although I wish we would have. You are a hottie by the way. You have a beautiful smile. I lived not very far from you, just a few blocks away. I would have listened. I have a feeling I know where you were coming from. I can't stop thinking about you... -Just some guy you never met Jason Dombek Ry, It’s been two weeks since I heard of your suicide. It hurt me deeply, and I was very angry at you for many reasons. That anger has all but passed, and I have accepted the fact that you’re gone, though it is still hard. Your suicide is the first death I’ve ever dealt with. It struck a nerve in me, making me grateful for not acting on my thoughts of suicide, likely caused by homophobic self-hatred. I thought of suicide often as a teenager, but somehow, I pulled through. I’m glad I did. I have accepted that I am gay, and it has led me to love myself more, and to love and be loved by many others. I wish you could have found the same in yourself, and realized that many others did and still do love you – and miss you – dearly. Two weeks ago, when first reading postings on your site, one in particular jumped out at me…it said that you desired to be a good man. I have felt the same, but have had trouble with it for some time, probably a great deal of it due to being somewhat self-centered. When I heard of your suicide, I wanted to change myself and become better, though at first I could not. But something finally struck a chord with me yesterday, and I was able to change some things about myself. It is obviously taking some work, but I’m trying to become a better person. That’s what many want of me, and I suspect what you’d have wanted the same, had we known each other better. I regret that we did not, because I suspect we would have found much in common, music being the first thing that comes to mind. I have not yet had a chance to listen to the songs listed in your suicide note, but would like to. One of the things I find fascinating about music is the words, and how they speak to people. I want to listen to the songs you listed, not only for self-reflection, but hopefully to understand you better, because I suspect we may have gone through many similar things growing up. Being in France (I’m learning a lot, by the way!), it’s hard to find ways to download those songs (and I could not buy the CDs here). Mostly, I know electronic music, because I’m a DJ. I hope this was brought to your attention before you departed…but if not, I’m telling you now. I’m currently in love with this song, and find that the lyrics speak to me for many different reasons. I want to share the words with you. By Above & Beyond, the song is called ‘Alone Tonight’. Alone tonight, just like the western star, I’m sinking. The angels curse me blind with straight and crooked thinking. Slipping sideways, silver stars collide. Fade away just like our love had died. And there is nowhere in this universe to hide…from you tonight. I’ve wrestled with angels all my life. It’s always the halos and the wings that keep you blind. And if I fall with all the strength I held inside…I wouldn’t be out here alone tonight.” Today marks two weeks since I found out about your suicide, and I had not cried today until I began to write this letter. But I am crying again. It makes me terribly sad and hurt to know that I will never see your smiling face on this Earth again. But, I find comfort in knowing that I will see you again at the end of my time here, though I hope that is not soon. I’m trying to be a better person! I hope that somehow you will stay with me and remind me to be better – along with all of my friends here on Earth that are doing the same – so that I can lead a better life and help others. I know it’s what you would have wanted, had I known you better! I miss you and think about you often, Ryan! I hope you’re doing well, and trust that you’re in good hands now. We’ll all miss you, but I don’t doubt that we will all see you again! Be waiting for us with that notorious smile of yours…I’m trying to smile more, too :) Stuart R. Crandall Ryan, The day your aunt called me, I fell to my knees in tears. I have to admit when I first found out, I was very sad, but also angry. Angry at myself for not seeing how upset you were, even though John had said something was wrong. Angry, that I couldn't be at your memoriable. Angry, that I was in Santa Barbara, when you needed me there. Sad that I was had lost something so dear to my heart. I am now moving back to Seattle. I prayed that when I got off of the plane on Thursday, that you would be there, and that everything would be a ploy just to get me to move back. I called you, but no one answered. I called your parents, they directed me to the website. You were the only friend from Seattle that had visited me since I moved to Santa Barbara. We went to the Getty Museum just a month ago. It is impossible to believe that the was the last time I will ever see you again. I was so jealous of you Ryan, and inspired to be like you. This last week you saved my life, yet again. John and I broke up a few weeks ago. I instantly called you for support and comfort. I set the phone down and cried. You were the one I turned to, I was lost as to why you didn't turn to me. I admit after John and I broke up, I began to spiral. Problem chasing problem, the feeling of loneliness, a new problem joined the pursuit, confusion, sadness, anxiety. I screamed, wanting you to hear. I finally realized that you must have felt the same, but much worse and for a much longer time. Somehow understanding how you felt, made it easier for me to deal with what you had done. Maybe this will also help others. I also realized, that I was not alone, you had felt the same way. I am still pulling myself together. I know it won't be easy, but life never is. Thank you Ryan for always being there for me. You will be truly missed, but I will celebrate your life with each day of mine. I owe that and much and more to you. I love you Ryan, I always will. Stuart R. Crandall Brian M. Westbrook Posting form has been fixed. Apologies for the delay. Erik Isaacson Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, I long to hold you again. I miss you more than I can express. If it were not for your loving heart and kind words I doubt I would be here today. You helped me through coming to terms with who I am. It kills me that try as I might I couldn't help you. I just learned yesterday about what had happened. I was in Africa exploring the world, which you so avidly encouraged me to do. I'm saddedened that I was out of the country for the services and gatherings held for you. My birthday, September 12th will never be the same. The pain I feel, I feel like it is mine alone. With you gone, one of the best pieces of myself is gone too. You are and forever will be a bright spot in my life. I will never ever forget you, your smile, your laugh, the warmth of your embrace. It kills me every second that passes to know you are gone but I believe that eternal life is achieved through the effects you have on others, and if that is true Ryan, you are alive and well inside of me. There will not be a day that passes that I don't miss you. There will not be a day that passes that I don't yern to see you once again. Ryan I love you, I love you in the deepest part of my heart. I hope that wherever you are the peace that you so stongly desired has found you, and that you are no longer hurting. I miss you, I love you. Good Bye My Friend. -Erik Kyle Words of wisdom from my friend Pete's mom: In the dark of night the loneliness sets in. I miss Pete so much. My mind wanders, longing for a way to reconnect. I know that Pete is a part of me, a part of all he touched with his soul and a part of the Love that created us. That Love is indestructible and it will reunite us someday. I hold on to the smiles. I cherish the happy moments. There will be a reunion someday. Look inside to the depths of your imaginings. You will know how great the Mysteries are and Faith will well up and show you a way. Alli's quote from Ghandi is so true. "In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path.." freya/mom - 09/24/05 08:30 AM Christopher A. Pasco Ryan, founder of our little Scooby gang, you are greatly missed. I will miss our runs to Madison Park to grab Thai food, our Wednesday seadooing evenings, and our nights at your condo to watch Enterprise. I always so admired you. You dressed better than most mannequins, had the best smile and laugh, a cozy, always clean condo, a fun ("Do you know you are driving a box?") car, so many friends, and from what I recently witnessed, an amazingly loving, supportive family. It hurts me the most to see your family in pain, they did not deserve this. I think it was incredibly selfish of you to put them through this. I was always so jealous not only of your number of friends, but the fact that you seemed to know them so well. I think you had more true friendships that I had acquaintances. I remember our many roadtrips together with Jeff and I up front, and you sitting (or sleeping) in back. You always said you loved riding with me because you felt safe; I just wish I could have protected your soul. I will have to agree with your brother in that you DID accomplish so much in even just the four years I knew you. You had your whole life ahead of you. If it was love that you sought, you had a good 60 years ahead of you to find it. A coworker of mine just found her soulmate at 55 and are planning the wedding of their dreams. I will never understand why you did what you did, but that is no longer important. To quote from the movie "A River Runs Through It": "We can love completely, without complete understanding." Never has this concept had more meaning to me than now. I love you completely Ryan. j I hope that you feel better. I hope that you appreciate, now, how people felt about you. Maybe you knew before, maybe you didn't, maybe you just hurt so bad nothing else mattered. I know you have been watching, and I look at everyone and wonder if you approve. Some of our lives have screeched to a halt, some of us are strong, and some of us are seem like they are trying to hook up with each other. I watch all of it and wonder what you are thinking. But I will never ever know. Kelly Scott All of us need to know we are always loved, and loved for ourselves. Not because we are great at parties, cute, or because someone needs bolstering and we can do that, but loved for who we uniquely are, of use or not, ‘warts’ and all. Ry had a delicate soul, and though uniquely loved for himself by an astounding number, also needed, I always thought, some extra care. Yet there were times that I was estranged from Ry by his choice (and perhaps even wisely Michael Jouver Ryan~ You did more than you know. Or you do know. You made a difference, here with me. If only now you could make another one and come back. I'm so much better of a person for having known you. I think of the good times and smile, but always wish for more to come...with you. Love you Ryan. Whitney McGill It is has been 14 day since you left us. Two weeks of what ifs, should haves, and should have beens. How I wish you could have seen just how beautiful you were. I am so sorry we failed you; if you only knew the amount of love that exists in your name Ryan. There is this enormous vacuous space in me that once was filled by your presence and is now only filled with a pain who’s enormity I could have never fathomed. Thank you for sharing some of your life with me! Collin Hinshaw Thanks for letting me take over the music in the car on some of those priceless, memorable roadtrips. I know you didn't know or care who the Black Crowes are, but you still faked it :) Sorry I didn't have any euro-teen pop on my iPod ;) and for all those times we sat around this summer being ridiculously funny, at least to ourselves, I thank you. Brian M. Westbrook I wouldn't be surprised if you had asked the radio station to have this song start at the exact moment my alarm went off this morning, Ryan. I cried myself to sleep last night and now... I wake to this: "Spend all your time waiting for that second chance. For a break that will make it okay there's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day .I need some distraction .Oh beautiful release memories seek from my veins and may be empty oh weightless and maybe I will find some peace tonight in the arms of the angel fly away from here from this star cold hotel room and the endlessness that you feel you are pulled from the racket of your silent reverie your in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here . So tired of the straight line and every where you turn and there's vultures and theives at your back the storm keeps on twisting keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack it don't make no difference you escape them one last time it is easier to believe then this sweet madness oh there's glory or sadness that brings me to my knees in the arms of the angel fly away from here from this star cold hotel room and the endlessness that you feel you are pulled from the racket of your silent reverie your in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here.You in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here." --Sara McLaughlin - In the Arms of the Angel. We were supposed to do so much together! We had talked about adopting kids together someday, and where we wanted to raise them, and growing old together! Ryan I can't do all that without you! If you just come back I'll do better! I promise. I'll call the crisis line when I think I should, I'll stay with you instead of dropping you off when I know I should! Please Ryan! I need you back with me! I'd do anything for five more fucking minutes to give you the answer that came from my heart and not my mind to that last question you asked me. Please Ryan I miss you! Skyler Baby, I am so lost without you. It's so weird to me when you don't answer your phone now. I didn't even know you had a voicemail box until the day that you were gone. I can't even describe how much I miss you. A lot of people have been asking me what hurts the most. and a million things go through my head. I am terrified that I found you, pained that you felt so alone, guilty because I know I could have saved you, worried of what life without you means, but above all I feel incredible despair that I won't see you again. All I want is to see you. The only thing that keeps me sane is hoping/believing/convincing myself that at the end of all of this I will see you again. Ryan in one of your letters you told me that I was the love of my life, but I want you to know that you were the love of my life too, for now and forever... I even have the tattoo to prove it! I hope you're laughing somewhere thinking what a ridiculous teenager I am for doing that to my body, but I want you to know that you are always in my heart. I will never love another human being the way I did you, or as much. Goodbye my soul mate. I can't wait to see you again. Craig Taylor Ryan, time for some fun memories as I go through this process of saying my goodbyes to you. Ryan, ITunes and QuickTime are really not loving my PC right now. Damm you!! Thanks for leaving us the memories ripped onto disk, but could you please have left the Apple illiterate amoungst us a copy in Windows format too?! Also, I actually thought of buying an IPod today, I would have no idea how to use it, but it looks pretty and I am sure I could dunk it into my water glass in my car cup holder a few times to enhance its performance capabilities. You will also be pleased to know that we really missed having that spare key you have to my front door of my house. This time however it was not I who was locked out, but rather some good friends that were very keen to visit at 1am on Sunday. Its a hilarious story and I wish I could tell it to you and have you tell me how stupid I am. Another thing I am noticing is how many of those rust colored Element cars there are around. I keep expecting to see you behind the wheel, waving at me. You were so proud of the box you called a car. Because, in case you didnt know "Youre driving a Box". At least I believe those are the words of the car bashing incident you had. I have actually petitioned the new Chief Justice to include Freedom of Vehicle Purchase into the Bill of Rights. I am just not to sure how successuful that will be, but its that I tried that counts. Lastly, I have been listening to a lot of Darren Hayes songs lately and all I can say is goodness that man sings some depressing stuff. So instead I decided to add one last song to the list you left us, from your favorit group Erasure. Its titled "Send Me an Angle". Perhaps you didnt hear that one, the lyrics go "Dont give up, Dont give up, you can be lucky in love". You will always be in my heart and now for the rest of my time on this rock we call earth, I feel like I will have my own Angle looking over me. Ryan, Peace my friend. Natalie I keep expecting you to call. Brian M. Westbrook So I learned that I work with one of your former co-workers. We learned after we recognized each other on this site. I then remembered the first time I was in this building to visit your office... It's sorta ironic that I work here now and remember how proud you were to show off your cube. I can't come to work without thinking of you... heck, I can't do much of anything without a thought of Ry Ry. --BMW. Kyle Ryan: You always told us that oral hygiene is vital, and you always lead by example. Well, I just brushed my teeth at work. That never happens, just thought I’d let you know. Love - KYLE Kyle Ryan: Jeff and Chris and I went to this fabulous Japanese restaurant last night. We had alligator!! It tastes like chicken, but I still bet you still wouldn’t eat it. You should see the “scene” Jay has put together on Jeff and Chris’ home Lego model, it’s quite the site. In other news, Jay has yet to take off the Kayaks from the camping trip, citing the fact that he gets far more “looks” as he drives down Broadway. And, you’ve missed the best Battlestar Galactica in human history. Frack. - Ryan, we will always have an empty chair, an extra spot on the couch, and a part of our hearts reserved just for you. The memories of you will carry on, somewhere, in each and every one of us. More love than can be expressed - KYLE The funny thing is, Ryan always talked me out of ending my life. I dated a friend of his and he was dating thier roommate, so at that time I only knew him by passing. When the relationship I was in ended, I became very depressed. It wasn't until a year later that Ryan and I ran into one another and we talked. I tried to proove myself as someone who wasn't all evil and bad as I was made out to be. Even though my past haunted me, he let me know that it was understood that the things I did or said to people (ie my ex) wasn't a reflection of who I was as a person. He let me go off about things and how hurt and depressed I was with the ex and with guys in general. We had dinner a couple of times and would say hi walking on the streets (if he was alone). It was an understanding that he didn't want certain people to know he spoke to me and talked to me about these people. But the entire time, he didn't tell me or look at me as being some "drama queen" when I was depressed and needed someone to cry to. I was allowed to be free. He would constantly compliment me trying to make me feel wanted and good about myself. Unfortunatley, I shut many people out for a while, Ryan included. On occasion, we would send an e-mail to one another. I saw him a couple months ago on the street and we just smiled to one another. I never told him thanks for those talks and the help he gave me, even if it was telling me to get over things. I became happy with myself and began to love myself. I never knew how Ryan felt. I know what its like to be in that situation that he was in. High school, coming out, the gay community, being lonley. I'll remember that not all people are hurtfull as I have experienced in my past. There are people like Ryan who may seem like a jerk (I always thought that of him before the talks we had but again, I associated him with his friends which was wrong of me) but they are sincere people who only want to see good in people. I saw that in him and he saw that in me. ONE LAST =o) TO YOU RYAN! I miss you randy van heusden Ryan, i did not know you personally, but let me say i know how you felt and having been there myself. It is unfortunate you did not see all of the support you had not only from your parents, but all those that knew you even in passing. There are so many that miss you and will miss all you had to share and give, which is evident by the comments contained here in this web site. You were evidently quite talented and articulate, which also is present in the comments of those who knew you much closer than i. i cannot guess as to why Ryan you might have taken your life, but i am sure that your pain was great and it is sad that a close friend was not there to stop you, but you closed up and hid from those that trully cared, so that you could remove the pain without anyone seeing your pain and grief while you took your life. i can only ask why when you had so many who cared and liked you? You were a beautiful man and your friends and parents saw this too. Why Ryan did you not reach out to your friends or even one friend, or did you not consider them as such or close enough to be able to ask? You left a lot of memories behind and certainly any potential memories you had to give will forever remain locked up in you taking your life. i am sad for you, your parents who were evidentially special in how they accepted you, and all of your family and friends. There will always be a lot of unanswered questions. i want to express to you and all of those that knew you how much your life meant to so many and it is so hard to see until you have taken it and the others around you that know you express their pain. i want to express my own thoughts through my own attempt at taking my life and i say attempt, since i was stopped by a friend, and in hopes it may help give some insight to those that knew you Ryan why you might have ended your life so abruptly at a young age. My Experience - randy van heusden Saturday, November 27, 2004 depression/suicide - BLINDLY LOST BLINDLY LOST - Poem at the bottom of this story, reprinted for those that did not get it before. i share it here as i feel this is important for those that have never been there. BLINDLY LOST - (long story) 11/17/2004 (updated 11/27/04) When i wrote this i had to take myself through the entire thought once again of what i went through when i wanted to die and what happened during the process of thought, and how i for the first time in my life i had totally lost all hope for any reason to live. This was a point at which a year and a half into my severe, major depression, stress, and anxiety, not to forget the pressure, and nerves that were all at peek levels, before i had lost all hope in my life. Before i reached my desire to end it all, i had all ready been dealing with many other factors for an extended period of time, that included a great deal of weight on my shoulders. It had finally consummed me entirely. My mother, brother, sister, daughter, and ex-wife, let alone what few friends i might have had, were in no way aware of how bad things were for me. i did not even take any of them into consideration as to how they might feel and the impact it would have on them once i was gone, if i ended my life. i never considered all that i had already done and given that needed to be shared would be blindly lost. i had not thought about the loss i would be creating not only for them, but for those that were destined to be in my future, and the influence i might have on their lives in a positive way. i could not see all i still had to give and so much of it at that, still in my life, yet it was obliterated from my mind as if though i had no longer any value. i still had miracles and major accomplishments that were yet to be performed and given to all those that might benefit in my world. i was blindly lost, ready to end it all, and nothing mattered. Everyone became no one, in my mind and the tunnel i was in, they no longer existed. My vision was short-sided and self-consumed. Tunnel vision had begun, and the light at the end of the tunnel was all i could now see. To all else i was blindly lost. i started out sitting on the bed. All of these thoughts went through my mind, as the frustrations and the pain of all the things i could no longer handle in my life and wanted to end, continued. My life was flashing before me with no hope or desire for it to continue. i thought about how i wanted to crawl into the corner, in hopes that it all would go away. i wanted to crawl into the corner and just die, and yet i had been in that picture and situation many, many times. i knew that doing that would not solve anything. There was no one with a magic wand to wave, solving my entire life of ills, and make them go away. Sitting on the bed, i found myself into another space and time. Without any direction, i was blindly lost. i was terribly mixed up, and the pains were greater than the values i had as a person and of life itself. After running all of these thoughts through my mind, i saw myself with nothing left to live for. In a split second, without thinking any further, i jumped off the bed, as if though in a daze or trance. i walked out of the bedroom, into the hallway, without even thinking about anything else, except the direction of the balcony, to where i was headed, in the 9th floor apartment. Note here, that i am afraid of balconies. i continued my thrust down the hallway to the kitchen, where the sliding glass door was open. i was aware of my friend being in the kitchen. i said nothing to him as if though he were not there. i walked through the kitchen out to the balcony as if though i never had any fear of it at all. i grabbed a hold of the top rail as though i was going to crush it, and was going to mold my hand into the metal itself. i hesitated for a brief moment or two, before i started to raise my right leg over the railing. Before i managed to get my right leg over the railing, my friend saw me out there and was pleased to see i had gotten past my fear of balconies. Once my right leg was over the railing, i shifted my weight up on to the rail and over to the other side, while i still had a locking hold on the rail. my friend was trying to get my attention, and asked what i was doing. i did not answer and gave no indication he was even there, while i continued my shift to the outside of the railing. Next i was raising my left leg over the railing. At this point, a tremendous fear went through my mind regarding what i was about to do. i just wanted it to end, for it no longer mattered. Before i got within one foot of actually having my left leg over the rail, and being totally on the outside of the balcony and looking down, my friend realized what i was doing. He asked me again what i was doing. i finally responded and told him to leave me alone. With that, he told me to stop that right now and get back over here. i tried to ignore him, but he would not give in. He pulled on me and stopped me from going any further, and his persistence forced me back over the rail, shifting my weight to the safe side. i wanted to die, and now my friend knew what i was trying to do. He was so upset by my attempt. i say "attempt" since he had stopped me from succeeding. i then began to break down and cry. After getting me away from the balcony, he led me back into the kitchen and down the hallway to the bedroom where i left, and had started this journey of intended no return. i once again found myself on the bed where i started. Now my friend was there calling for his partner to help, getting him to realize he had a serious and dangerous situation on his hands. i was crying full tilt by now, and unable to give a response to anything they asked. Both of them are professional hypnotist, and i am one of their best subjects with a ready built in trigger. One of them put me into a trance immediately with the use of that trigger. With the trance, i immediately stopped crying, and went limp, going into another state of mind and consciousness. They started asking questions, as to why and what it was that was going on. My stuttering was back and very severe, making it difficult to talk clearly. Beyond trying to complete a sentence, i struggled to form a word . Slowly they managed to get me to the position of being able to communicate an answer to their questions, which were now more directed as to why and what it was that was causing the problem. Still my stuttering was severe, but was able to get the words out in a complicated forced manner. i do not remember the specifics of the questions, nor what answers i gave, but i do know i told them how i felt and why i wanted to die, that there was nothing left to live for. These two men had done so much for me, and had a great investment in me, financially and emotionally. At that time, they had helped me survive the last year and a half. The main thing i can remember out of all that might have been vocalized during those communications, was two very important things. One, they told me that they had a great investment in me, that i meant a great deal to them, and was more valuable to them then what i showed in the attempt to end my life. i know truly that both of them fully cared about me, as i upset them in the process of wanting to end my life. The problem for me was i could not see how much they cared and what all they had done for me during our friendship. i was blindly lost. Why did i not seek them out for help? The problem was that i felt even then i already had more than taken advantage of their wonderfully good nature and desire to help me. i felt that it was wrong for me to ask for any more of them. So, instead, i wronglly sought out the wrong means to my end. Second, i was forced to promise i would never, ever, attempt to commit suicide again. As they expected, i promised them i would never again, ever try to end my life. i would communicate with them what was going on and why things were so bad for me at any time. They are the two best friends any one could have and yet, i let them down and hurt them as well, by not seeking out their help. Yet the other side, is that they could not see it coming down the stream even as close as we were and with me living in their apartment. One thing is for sure though, it is literally impossible for someone that sick to ask for help in any way. i had no idea how to ask for that help, and they could no more see i needed it, then for me to ask for it. When they were asking me questions about what and why i was feeling like i did and what was happening, i do not know at all what i said to them. All i know is the promise to never, ever attempt suicide again. Two days later, i had an appointment and after telling the therapist the entire story, he also told me i was to promise i would never, ever attempt, to commit suicide, or he would immediately put me in the hospital. This was prior to the first time i did go into the hospital, three months later. i now had promised three people that i would never, ever again attempt, to commit suicide, or in anyway hurt myself or anyone else. Anyone that knows my nature would know that i could not hurt anyone else anyway. The hard part for me is that i have many times wanted, ever since then, to commit suicide, and have looked at ways to do so, but realized i could not, due to the promise i had made and must keep. i remember writing about my experience and what i was trying to do and why, to a select few of the online yahoo groups i belong to. The response i got back both privately and publicly in the groups was why did i want to do this as we all care about you and that i had much more value to give than the ending of my life. Strangely enough, i knew they were right, but i had lost all hope and could no longer see the value i had to give and offer the world, by making a difference in the lives of others. My goals do have meaning and they are such that no one else can complete them. To be honest, i was so overwhelmed with what i read from so many people. i just plain had no idea that so many people could care enough and show it both online and privately. Many of them have become good friends in one way or another over my journey since that time. Being accepted by so many wonderful people, question about why i was rejected all of my life and now i have all of these people that care, was so confusing to me. Still, even to date, i do not understand. The need for attention and affection is so strong. It is something that i either hide well, or it just does not show. Most of the time, i only get the special attention when i am in crisis. Now you Know the rest of the story behind the poem i wrote, Blindly Lost. Thanks to all of those who have taken the time to show any kind of support or interest in my life. i hope this helps you with your plights, as well as friends who may also be in a very similiar situation and you can be there to stop them from making a grave error like i attemtped. Thanks for listening. randy billionaire all rights to this and the poem are mine, please do not blindly share without permission. randysvh@yahoo.com From: "PSW, slave randy" Date: Sun Nov 7, 2004 12:17 am Subject: Re: depression/suicide The following poem was written and gave way for my writing of "Blindly Lost". This woman wrote: I wrote this poem when my mother was upset because her best friends son commited suicide and she asked me why he would do that. Then told me how selfish he was to do it. so I felt it fitting to name it a Selfish thought. A selfish thought The darkness leaves you calm. You feel no pain. There is no emotion. You don't love, so there is no fear of loosing. You don't hate, so there is no fear of hurting another. There are no nightmares, because you don't dream. You have no worries or cares, because you are conscious of nothing. You are free. ****************************************************************** In response to the "Selfish Thought", i wrote the following: To all you considering suicide as a result of your depression being so severe. To those that have given up for what ever the reason or purpose. It seems that there is so little known by most of us trying to understand why someone goes through the trouble to take their life, leaving a world behind them that had so much potential, giving up friends, family, and many more who trully cared. It is so poorly understood. Let me give you a little insight from my own experience in a poem of sorts, titled "Blindly Lost". Light i can see, grows dim. The world becomes a tunnel. Reaching for help is no longer an option. Who do i turn to even if i could? Who do i trust with how i feel? No one seems to understand me. i feel all alone. i am lost an empty. all the comfort of my material things no longer matter. i have become blind, and cannot see you. i am blindly lost. Are you there or is it my imagination? Where did i go wrong? How do i get rid of the pain that engulfs my entire mind and thoughts? My dreams and hopes are lost and non-existent. i reach, but no one to reach to. i can see, but i can see nothing. i can see you, but cannot reach out. i am blindly lost. my world is growing darker. i hate me and my life and no one any longer matters. i am in trouble. my desire has all but disappeared. love i cannot find. friends i cannot see. family no longer matters. enemies are no longer visible. need is great, desire has left. pain overwhelmes me, with no relief. my importance has diminished into nothing. what can i do and what do i see? i am blindly lost. is there anything left in my life? i want to hide and have it all go away. i want a miracle, but it does not come. i need you, but you do not know. help me, but how can you? i exist still, save me before it is too late. life is fading, no alternatives. the light at the end of the tunnel is calling. light is now becoming darker. The end of the tunnel is all i can now see. i must go, there is no other choice. i get closer to the end of the tunnel. i reach with fear. i know what is there. but am afraid. do i have any choice left? all other thoughts are gone. nothing seems to matter any more. i have no value. i have nothing to give. No one cares, but i need help. no one knows i need help. hiding in the corner does not make it better. wishing for the pain to go away. i crawl ever closer to the end. i give up. i have no more desire. it is time to let go. i have reached the end of the tunnel. i am now ready to go over the edge. i do not care any more. it is time to say good bye. i have no one to say it to. i am blindly lost. do you know me? can you save me before it is too late? catch me please? time has come. there is no more choice. i am ready to end it all. it is now over. i want no more. this is the final step. i no longer can see. i succeeded. i am blindly lost forever. randy all rights belong to this author and no reproductions or use will be permitted without permission. randysvh@yahoo.com Ryan, I am sorry it took losing you to force me to see the world in terms of possibilities and not just a place we have to survive. May I always remind those I care about of my love and insist they dismiss the lies of hate that surround them. Goodbye Ryan, may your found peace find our hearts. Ryan, I am sorry it took losing you to force me to see the world in terms of possibilities and not just a place we have to survive. May I always remind those I care about of my love and insist they dismiss the lies of hate that surround them. Goodbye Ryan, may your found peace find our hearts. Patrick Eric your comments are what I have been thinking. Though I've never been as popular as Ryan was, I've been told that when I'm out, I'm aloof and arrogant. Truth is, when I'm out, appearing aloof, I'm actually terrified. In talking to a friend, trying to understand Ryan's decision, I asked him how he deals with all of the stuff that's inside of us, how he keeps going on every day--going home to an empty bed, an empty heart. His answer is that the only thing that keeps him from following Ryan is "Hope." And I realized the only reason I'm still here now is that I have that hope too. Sometimes it's hard to see, but it's there. I wish Ryan had not lost sight of it. Eric E It's as if the underbelly of our deepest fears manifests itself in your passing, my friend. You felt ugly:so do we. You felf unloved:so do we. You felt stupid and not good enough:everyone struggles with that. Everyone doubts. Everyone fears an unloved life. I imagine the pain and sadness you feel might sound like our own inner thoughts, our own inner dialogue. But it doesn't have to be. The circle can be unbroken and only together, with others or with whomever you choose to reach out to, can you start to begin again. New thoughts. New dreams. Same fears, but new strategies. Ryan, if any good comes out of this, I hope that I can start to reexamine who I am, what I want, and what the fuck I plan on doing about it. Starting now. And I hope the rest of you will join me - I need as much help as you do. Eric E It's as if the underbelly of our deepest fears manifests itself in your passing, my friend. You felt ugly:so do we. You felf unloved:so do we. You felt stupid and not good enough:everyone struggles with that. Everyone doubts. Everyone fears an unloved life. I imagine the pain and sadness you feel might sound like our own inner thoughts, our own inner dialogue. But it doesn't have to be. The circle can be unbroken and only together, with others or with whomever you choose to reach out to, can you start to begin again. New thoughts. New dreams. Same fears, but new strategies. Ryan, if any good comes out of this, I hope that I can start to reexamine who I am, what I want, and what the fuck I plan on doing about it. Starting now. And I hope the rest of you will join me - I need as much help as you do. Justin Shrader You know when I found out about Ry. I was in California. I cried and cried. Now I have to come home on monday and meet with Friends and see the sadness in there eyes, thats when I will ask my self why one more time. There again I will realize how we all Loved Ry so much. Too bad we couldn't have shown it more to him. We will always miss your Ryan.. Forever and Always.. Justin Eric E It's as if the underbelly of our deepest fears manifests itself in your passing, my friend. You felt ugly:so do we. You felf unloved:so do we. You felt stupid and not good enough:everyone struggles with that. Everyone doubts. Everyone fears an unloved life. I imagine the pain and sadness you feel might sound like our own inner thoughts, our own inner dialogue. But it doesn't have to be. The circle can be unbroken and only together, with others or with whomever you choose to reach out to, can you start to begin again. New thoughts. New dreams. Same fears, but new strategies. Ryan, if any good comes out of this, I hope that I can start to reexamine who I am, what I want, and what the fuck I plan on doing about it. Starting now. And I hope the rest of you will join me - I need as much help as you do. Patrick I keep coming here to try and make sense of this but I can't. You are missed, sweet boy. Kyle "WWWWWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO" - You do Cher well, but Jeff does it better. LOVE FOREVER KYLE Kyle "WWWWWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO" - You do Cher well, but Jeff does it better. LOVE FOREVER KYLE pud Bummer. pud Bummer. Chad Morrett I just don't understand this. While we were never that close, we always greeted each other when we were out and about. You seemed like such a happy and optimistic person. I always liked you. Your passing saddens me deeply. Molly Renke Ryan, I hope wherever you are, you still have that beautiful smile on your face. I will miss running in to you on Broadway. I wish we could have gotten to know eachother better. You were and I'm sure somewhere, you still are a great guy. its funny how alcohol makes you deal with the things youve spent the day trying ot avoid and forget. im drunk and was by your house and was drawn to your place for one last visit. i drove there and parked and watched your building half expecting and half hoping you would walk out those doors with a smile on your face and phone in hand. i waited. i started my car, flipped a bitch and drove by one last time. i realized that those doors were not going to open and i would never see your beautiful face again. i finally had to say the one thing i have been so frighten to let out... goodbye Michael Jouver Ryan it seems as if things have been getting easier in life and the pain was fading, yet there are those moments when it takes hold. Having to recount as much of the past 9 days as I could to another friend who just found out, who saw you one last time before going away and being gone through all of this was hard. I feel every heartbeat as there is a pang of sadness and pain in each one yet I am going on strong for you and for everyone else, trying to be as helpful and together as I can. I like the others continue to wait or think about when you might suddenly message me, call or text. Heartbreaking when I have to remind myself that it will never come. Your voice echos in my mind, one that always brought calm and yet now it is gone and peace must be found some other way. I miss you so much and love you so. Watch over us as you always have. Ryan come take the pain away like you always have done. Kyle Keith: Thank you so much for that awesome memory of Ryan. There are so many! Keith Yamanaka Sympathy and condolences from a co-worker at U.S.Robotics/3Com/Palm. I worked with Ryan through a merger and a spin-off. Ryan was well respected throughout all three companies. I liked the sense of dignity and whimsy he brought to the office. In a Dilbert world of pushpin pigs and twisted paperclips, he adorned his cube with a Japanese sand garden and a working water fountain. And his critiques and impersonations of the movies he'd seen were priceless. Did anyone else see him do Gollum? Or was that a spontaneous flight of fancy? "All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain." -Keith Yamanaka Brian M. Westbrook It's difficult to concentrate. Hard to focus. Tough to pay attention. I've been keeping myself busy with the many activities that have become necessary as a result of your death, this site among them. But now that its been over a week -- I'm finding it harder and harder to accept that you're gone. Come back Ryan, send me a text, say hi on IM. Give me a smile. Something. Anything. I miss you and love you, Ry Ry. :( --BMW. Ryan, in the last nine days, you have not left my mind for one second. My heart continues to bleed and my eyes burn to see you again. I miss you so much! I hope you have found the peace that I now so desperately need. Millie Standing I just found out today (9/22) that Ryan passed away. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to attend the memorial service. I wish to express my deepest sympathy to his family and I pray that you will be comforted. I was fortunate to work with Ryan for many years at Palm. When I think of him I will choose to remember his beautiful smile, his kindness and that he was always a gentleman. The farewell letter he wrote was so hard for me to read because no person should ever have to feel that way. It confirms to me what I already knew, what matters most in life is how we treat other people. I would like to share a quote by Leo Buscaglia: "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." RICHIE I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT YOU WERE AT THE TIME AND ALWAYS BE A GREAT PERSON WITH THE SPIRIT THAT THIS EARTH WAS UNABLE TO HOLD LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE OR CHANGE THE EYES OF THOSE THAT SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ALL AND THAT INHABIT IT. BUT I SURE WOULD HAVE TRIED TO WITH YOU IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN AND KICK MYSELF FOR NOT MAKING MORE OF AN EFFORT SINCE THAT ONE BEAUTIFUL DAY IN MID JUNE THAT YOU, JIM, AND I AND TWO OTHER GUYS WENT ON LAKE WASHINGTON AND WAS ON THE WAVE RUNNER AND WAS GOING AROUND THE WHOLE LAKE AND SWIMMING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME THAT I AM REALLY SADDEN WE COULDN'T DO IT THIS SUMMER. WITH YOUR CHOICE TO END YOUR LEGEND I TAKE FOR MYSELF A GREATER RESPONSIBLE ROLE TO BE MORE ADAMIT THAT YES PEOPLE ARE GOOD AND WITH YOUR MOTTO TO GIVE OTHERS THE RESPECT AND INTEGRITY THAT EACH ONE WAS EQUAL TO YOUR OWN SO MANY TIMES I WILL CONTINUE TO DO MYSLEF, TO A DEGREE AND WILL STILL ULTIMATELY MAKE ME A PRIORITY. YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR NEIGHBORS, AND CO WORKERS WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR LEGACY OF A MAN WHOSE LIFE CUT SHORT, YET JUST ON THE VERGE OF SO MANY THINGS THAT WE WILL NEVER KNOW AND WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO CHARRISH THE TIMES CUS I KNOW I WILL, REMEMBER THAT YOU WERE A MAN THAT WAS GOOD IN AND OUTSIDE, WITH LOVE TO SHARE FOR EVRERYONE EVEN THE LIKES OF ME TO MAKE ME FEEL COMFORTABLE IN A SETTING NOT FIMILIAR TO ME BUT MOST OF ALL WAS A MAN THAT KNEW HOW TO RACE ON THE SEADOOS! THANK YOU JIM AND RYAN FOR THAT AWESOME SUMMER DAY OF 2004. Derek Rose Dear Ryan, I hope that this letter will reach you somehow. I had met you 14 years ago, when all of us had so much to look forward to as we were just beginning the journey in our lives. I remember endless nights dancing at the underground and then later at oz. those times still to this day, I will never forget. Even though we only had brief encounters over the years since then, my only regret is that I was not more of a part of your life. You were full of life and inspireing to myself and many others. God Bless, and wish you were still here with us all. Natalie There are a million things I could say if my mind could stop spinning long enough to pin for than a handful down. I have loved Ryan since the first day I met him 15 years ago, though it seems like I've known him all my life. My love for him will never change. I find solace in this quote: "He whom we love and lose is no longer where he was before. He is now wherever we are." - I was listening to 'Something's Missing' by John Mayer the other day and all I could think was: that's exactly it. If you listen to it, you'll know what I mean. RyRy, I will always be your faithful fag hag. Wade Though I have seen you at parties I never got to know you. It sucks the way gay men treat eachother and how the superficial people can be. I read your letter and can relate to almost everything you went through. Though i dont think the way you left is the right way we have all been close to that point in our lives. I hope everyone reads this and realizes that life is more than a bar and looking like a model and we all can be treated as equals. God bless Shirley Brister Ryan-where to begin. You will so be missed. Thank you for sharing your life with so many. Thank you for being the son I never had and for your thoughfulness so many times. You were so kind when I would ask you stupid computer questions even though you did laugh at me at times.I should of know what you would do when you programed our phones at work when you were about 12. I so wish I could of seen where you were in your mind when I last saw you. Please know that there are so many who did and will always love you. Please watch over us all and know that I did and do love you as my adopted son and friend. Kyle JONI MITCHELL "Both Sides, Now" Rows and floes of angel hair - And ice cream castles in the air - And feather canyons ev’rywhere - I’ve looked at clouds that way - But now they only block the sun - They rain and snow on ev’ryone - So many things I would have done - But clouds got in my way - I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now - From up and down, and still somehow - It’s cloud illusions I recall - I really don’t know clouds at all - Moons and junes and ferris wheels - The dizzy dancing way you feel - As ev’ry fairy tale comes real - I’ve looked at love that way - But now it’s just another show - You leave ’em laughing when you go - And if you care, don’t let them know - Don’t give yourself away - I’ve looked at love from both sides now - From give and take, and still somehow - It’s love’s illusions I recall - I really don’t know love at all - Tears and fears and feeling proud - To say I love you right out loud - Dreams and schemes and circus crowds - I’ve looked at life that way - But now old friends are acting strange - They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed - Well something’s lost, but something’s gained - In living ev’ry day - I’ve looked at life from both sides now - From win and lose and still somehow - It’s life’s illusions I recall - I really don’t know life at all - I’ve looked at life from both sides now - From up and down, and still somehow - It’s life’s illusions I recall - I really don’t know life at all - Kyle ALANIS MORISSETTE "That I Would Be Good" that I would be good even if I did nothing - that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down - that I would be good if I got and stayed sick - that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds - that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt - that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth - that I would be great if I was no longer queen - that I would be grand if I was not all knowing - that I would be loved even when I numb myself - that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed - that I would be loved even when I was fuming - that I would be good even if I was clingy - that I would be good even if I lost sanity - that I would be good - whether with or without you - Randy I first met Ryan while 'djing at a club, The Underground...circa 1988. Ryan was part of our club family through the years. From the moment I first met Ryan, He always struck me as being very bright, positive, and together. Something not too common at that age. I was impressed. I always felt that the world needed more people like Ryan. Certainly the clubs do. Meeting great people only to see them leave and never return seems to be my life-experience. Ryan is now a part of that history I will always look back upon with good feelings. But sadness too is felt as I realize we can't have him back for one more try. Yes Ryan, of course I will play your song... Gregory Cook A quote Ryan shared with me .... How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others... But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness. ~M. Scott Peck Andy Ryan, I see that so many of us have written and spoken of you. I personally can not help but do it again. There is not a day that goes by that I do not look at this site (thank you Brian) I have so many photos of you from different parties and such. You have always been an uplifting person for me to come in contact with. As we once discussed, all the paths cross for a reason. Seeing you on the flight to NY a few months ago gave me a smile that was much needed. Knowing you, of course had a privalge, because that nice flight attendant gave us free drinks. Above that, you made me smile in a very dark hour of my life. My only wish is that we could have been closer so that I could have returned the favor. I want you to know that in your honor, I will no longer be unhappy, not for one moment! This week I have sailed, eaten out and even purchased a lava lamp! Is that silly? YES! However, I now feel that life is too short and why bother worry! I might be silly, but I will laugh, I will shine! I will do this in your honor. Guy I'm sad that we never learn the lessons of emotional trauma in the young. I'm sad that it's too late to change his mind, and even more sad that we prolly couldn't. Carlos Mellet As i attempt to put thoughts into words a flood of a lifetime of memories overwhelms me. From the very beginning of our friendship you were such a bright shinning light. I always felt like another one of your brothers. We could count on one another for anything. I hope that wherever you are now you can see what you meant to all of us. I wonder if the feelings of loss and emptiness that we feel for you is a fraction of what you said you were feeling inside. How horrible it must of been for you. A lot of us are left with an inmesureable amounts of gilt. I know that this is part of our griving , that non of us are to blame. The only way for your death not be be in vain is to honor all that you stood for: COMPASSION, HONESTY, LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP. My dear Ryan thank you for 17 years of friendship. For everything that you did for me. You were there countless of times I wish I could have done the same. I love you and I will miss you till the end of time. To Ryan's family thank you for giving us Ryan We are all better human beings for having him in our lives. I had written most of this letter for the service but couldn't do it . Linda and Clio Robertson, Chase and Adam We love so much the pictures you have submitted as we find that we do not have nearly as many recent pictures as we ofcourse would like. Please share with us any more special pictures that you might have. We are downloading and printing them all off. Joe Tennis We were sisters. Neither of us drank. We were both addicted to the freedom of dancing. We were both December babies – boys that chased ideas in books and in the world around us. When I moved away we grew closer. We’d chat about whatever came across his mind. Ryan’s picture would pop up on my screen and we’d spend the next 15 minutes laughing. I’ll never share that with anyone else – not in the same way. Goodbye Ryan. Dave Luc Ryan, As I sit here and type this out, it is exactly one week to the very minute when my world completely changed. The things that I held to be true about myself, the truths that I placed my faith in, all seemed to collapse with one phone call. Although the initial shock has worn down, I still cannot stop myself from crying when I read your letter or I look at the markers in time when I had such a clear understanding of the world and how in an instant everything came crashing down after hearing “David, Ryan killed himself”. Honey, fall is fast approaching, the sun sets now at 7:00 PM, the day rarely breaks 70 degrees and the leaves have begun to cover the ground. It makes me think back to a time of days that stretched well into 9:00 PM, beating the heat by hanging out by the water, and running our toes and fingers through freshly cut grass. It makes me wish that it were still July… Ryan, where did our summer go? I now regret not capturing more moments with you while I could, all those canceled dinners and coffees thinking I would have plenty of time to make them all up, will haunt me forever. But I know that even if I had spent everyday of my life with you, those moments still would not be enough, because it is thinking about the lost possibilities that hurt the most. Ryan, it’s getting chilly out, and I wish you were here to enjoy the air with me, wrapping scarves around our necks and sipping Starbucks to stay warm. I don’t know how I will make it through the cold winter knowing your presence is not around, or the holiday season and birthday without your joy in my life. It has been a week now since you left this world but it could be 10 years down the road and I would still be writing you the same letter, and still be feeling this sense of loss and emptiness inside. Ryan, lets turn back the clock two months and remember happier times, when you were still here with me and the sun would reflect off the water onto your face and I watched as you’d smile deep in thought. There will not be a day that goes by that I do not think of you, I love and will miss you, always. David Dave Luc Ryan, As I sit here and type this out, it is exactly one week to the very minute when my world completely changed. The things that I held to be true about myself, the truths that I placed my faith in, all seemed to collapse with one phone call. Although the initial shock has worn down, I still cannot stop myself from crying when I read your letter or I look at the markers in time when I had such a clear understanding of the world and how in an instant everything came crashing down after hearing “David, Ryan killed himself”. Honey, fall is fast approaching, the sun sets now at 7:00 PM, the day rarely breaks 70 degrees and the leaves have begun to cover the ground. It makes me think back to a time of days that stretched well into 9:00 PM, beating the heat by hanging out by the water, and running our toes and fingers through freshly cut grass. It makes me wish that it were still July… Ryan, where did our summer go? I now regret not capturing more moments with you while I could, all those canceled dinners and coffees thinking I would have plenty of time to make them all up, will haunt me forever. But I know that even if I had spent everyday of my life with you, those moments still would not be enough, because it is thinking about the lost possibilities that hurt the most. Ryan, it’s getting chilly out, and I wish you were here to enjoy the air with me, wrapping scarves around our necks and sipping Starbucks to stay warm. I don’t know how I will make it through the cold winter knowing your presence is not around, or the holiday season and birthday without your joy in my life. It has been a week now since you left this world but it could be 10 years down the road and I would still be writing you the same letter, and still be feeling this sense of loss and emptiness inside. Ryan, lets turn back the clock two months and remember happier times, when you were still here with me and the sun would reflect off the water onto your face and I watched as you’d smile deep in thought. There will not be a day that goes by that I do not think of you, I love and will miss you, always. David Dave Luc Ryan, As I sit here and type this out, it is exactly one week to the very minute when my world completely changed. The things that I held to be true about myself, the truths that I placed my faith in, all seemed to collapse with one phone call. Although the initial shock has worn down, I still cannot stop myself from crying when I read your letter or I look at the markers in time when I had such a clear understanding of the world and how in an instant everything came crashing down after hearing “David, Ryan killed himself”. Honey, fall is fast approaching, the sun sets now at 7:00 PM, the day rarely breaks 70 degrees and the leaves have begun to cover the ground. It makes me think back to a time of days that stretched well into 9:00 PM, beating the heat by hanging out by the water, and running our toes and fingers through freshly cut grass. It makes me wish that it were still July… Ryan, where did our summer go? I now regret not capturing more moments with you while I could, all those canceled dinners and coffees thinking I would have plenty of time to make them all up, will haunt me forever. But I know that even if I had spent everyday of my life with you, those moments still would not be enough, because it is thinking about the lost possibilities that hurt the most. Ryan, it’s getting chilly out, and I wish you were here to enjoy the air with me, wrapping scarves around our necks and sipping Starbucks to stay warm. I don’t know how I will make it through the cold winter knowing your presence is not around, or the holiday season and birthday without your joy in my life. It has been a week now since you left this world but it could be 10 years down the road and I would still be writing you the same letter, and still be feeling this sense of loss and emptiness inside. Ryan, lets turn back the clock two months and remember happier times, when you were still here with me and the sun would reflect off the water onto your face and I watched as you’d smile deep in thought. There will not be a day that goes by that I do not think of you, I love and will miss you, always. David Dave Luc Ryan, As I sit here and type this out, it is exactly one week to the very minute when my world completely changed. The things that I held to be true about myself, the truths that I placed my faith in, all seemed to collapse with one phone call. Although the initial shock has worn down, I still cannot stop myself from crying when I read your letter or I look at the markers in time when I had such a clear understanding of the world and how in an instant everything came crashing down after hearing “David, Ryan killed himself”. Honey, fall is fast approaching, the sun sets now at 7:00 PM, the day rarely breaks 70 degrees and the leaves have begun to cover the ground. It makes me think back to a time of days that stretched well into 9:00 PM, beating the heat by hanging out by the water, and running our toes and fingers through freshly cut grass. It makes me wish that it were still July… Ryan, where did our summer go? I now regret not capturing more moments with you while I could, all those canceled dinners and coffees thinking I would have plenty of time to make them all up, will haunt me forever. But I know that even if I had spent everyday of my life with you, those moments still would not be enough, because it is thinking about the lost possibilities that hurt the most. Ryan, it’s getting chilly out, and I wish you were here to enjoy the air with me, wrapping scarves around our necks and sipping Starbucks to stay warm. I don’t know how I will make it through the cold winter knowing your presence is not around, or the holiday season and birthday without your joy in my life. It has been a week now since you left this world but it could be 10 years down the road and I would still be writing you the same letter, and still be feeling this sense of loss and emptiness inside. Ryan, lets turn back the clock two months and remember happier times, when you were still here with me and the sun would reflect off the water onto your face and I watched as you’d smile deep in thought. There will not be a day that goes by that I do not think of you, I love and will miss you, always. David Josh Nelson I only got to know Ryan a couple weeks back during a fabulous camping trip at Lake Chelan. He seemed so full of life with good energy. His death has brought me a mountain of pain. Seeing so many people hurting, it breaks me down into tears just thinking about it. His death scares me sh*tless too. This whole situation sucks. I wish he would have been able to address his pain. He had such wonderful friends in his life that would have done anything for him. I hope we all learn from Ryan's death! I feel blessed to have had Ryan touch my life. I hope Ryan is at peace now. "Everyday is a good day; just some days are better than others." - Author Unknown "If your obstacles bring you down, then let your determination bring you up." - Shilpa Lad Patrick Beringer We need to learn from this. My last conversation with Ryan was possibly 24 hours before he died. I didn't know at the time how important this talk would be, but I think I need to share what we talked about. Actually, Ryan's dad wrote comments that could almost be a transcript of some of our talk. (Thank you for your words). We're all fragile and while some of us are more judgmental, selfish or simply boorish, the majority of us are good (and sometimes extremely lonely) people. Ultimately, don't we all want something similar? Next time you're out in a club or at a store or on a plane and you see someone looking your way say "hi." SMILE BACK. Don't just avert your eyes and brush past. Those of you who travel in packs at gay bars, break out of your "clique" and expand your horizons a bit. Ryan was very good at reaching out to others this way. Did you ever notice how he could talk to anyone? Did you notice that the person he was talking to always lit up, always seemed happier and stood taller, when Ryan was there? Sometimes being surrounded by friends doesn't make you feel any less alone. Being an aging mid-30's, single, gay man who's watching his friends get coupled and buy houses together does not exactly do wonders for one's self-esteem. As someone who's well-versed in rejection and low self-image, I speak from experience. Talk to someone who's not as cute as you are. Say hi to the guy or girl who's standing there alone--It doesn't matter what that person LOOKS like. Just say hi. You might make a world of difference in someone's life. Patrick Beringer We need to learn from this. My last conversation with Ryan was possibly 24 hours before he died. I didn't know at the time how important this talk would be, but I think I need to share what we talked about. Actually, Ryan's dad wrote comments that could almost be a transcript of some of our talk. (Thank you for your words). We're all fragile and while some of us are more judgmental, selfish or simply boorish, the majority of us are good (and sometimes extremely lonely) people. Ultimately, don't we all want something similar? Next time you're out in a club or at a store or on a plane and you see someone looking your way say "hi." SMILE BACK. Don't just avert your eyes and brush past. Those of you who travel in packs at gay bars, break out of your "clique" and expand your horizons a bit. Ryan was very good at reaching out to others this way. Did you ever notice how he could talk to anyone? Did you notice that the person he was talking to always lit up, always seemed happier and stood taller, when Ryan was there? Sometimes being surrounded by friends doesn't make you feel any less alone. Being an aging mid-30's, single, gay man who's watching his friends get coupled and buy houses together does not exactly do wonders for one's self-esteem. As someone who's well-versed in rejection and low self-image, I speak from experience. Talk to someone who's not as cute as you are. Say hi to the guy or girl who's standing there alone--It doesn't matter what that person LOOKS like. Just say hi. You might make a world of difference in someone's life. I've been spending my morning listening to Ryan's music. I encourage all of you to take a real look deep into the songs he chose. It's important to realize that this music is not all sorrowful; in fact some very clearly represents Ryan smile, his grace and his laughter. It reminds me of Ryan in ways I can't describe. Perhaps we will update the site with downloads of his music. We will let you know. Much love - KYLE Kyle "The wise healer endures the pain. Cry. Tears bring joy." -Erykah Badu "In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in an clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth." -Mahatma Gandhi Thank you Alli & Pete - KYLE Kyle "The wise healer endures the pain. Cry. Tears bring joy." -Erykah Badu "In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in an clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth." -Mahatma Gandhi Thank you Alli & Pete - KYLE Kyle "The wise healer endures the pain. Cry. Tears bring joy." -Erykah Badu "In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in an clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth." -Mahatma Gandhi Thank you Alli & Pete - KYLE Patrick Beringer You never knew how beautiful you were--How important and how special. I'm sorry you hurt so much sweet boy. Daniel I didn't even really know him (well unless you want to count the backhanded compliment he made about me to his boyfriend while I was getting my pizza in which he said that he was watching him "like a hawk"). But this awful event has upset and saddened me, a person who knows now that Ryan's thoughts and actions extended way past delivering a witty repartee. This memorium has given me much to ponder about the importance of long-term relationships and the return of investment that comes from respecting different perspectives and orientations at all stages of life. If any collection of brave, thoughtful people could change the world (or even Seattle) and set an example of respect for others and committment to one's self, I believe that it is the people who have posted here--those who are choosing to honor Ryan's memory in this way. Kyle Ryan: Craig took Jay and me shopping last night. Of course, he bought a big ol’ flat panel for his bedroom (shop therapy). The monstrous TV for his living room is apparently coming at a later date. You’ve finally forced me to get Itunes. Of course, the video you made only works in QuickTime, so the rest of us pagans who use PCs have to download Itunes. Ryan, memories are burned into our hearts forever. You are and always will be a shining light amongst your friends, making us all smile, laugh and be goofy. I take all my friends for granted. Instead of storing all the good times in memory Ryan, I always counted on you to remind me of our fun times the next time I saw you. From now on, I’ll have to write them down so I won’t ever forget. Angelica C I would like to extend my deepest regrets about Ryan’s passing. When I first moved to Seattle in the early 90’s, Ryan became my first friend, and I was grateful because I did not know anyone. He was a wonderful friend and I think everyone could grow from his example of courage. This was right around the time that he decided to take his boyfriend to his high school Prom! Can you say he had the biggest balls in town? I spent many hours in Ryan’s wonderful ray of light… Ryan you will be missed. I moved away to Charlotte, and lost touch with Ryan, but I will always remember him with the biggest smile on his face…and his coming to join my roommates and I for full evenings of fun! Memories I will always cherish. Ryan were ever you are, I hope that you experience all the love, and kindness you showed so many, And the next time you look in the mirror the only thing you can see is the real true beauty you really are… Joe Tennis We were sisters. Neither of us drank. We were both addicted to the freedom of dancing. We were both December babies – boys that chased ideas in books and in the world around us. When I moved away we grew closer. We’d chat about whatever came across his mind. Ryan’s picture would pop up on my screen and we’d spend the next 15 minutes laughing. I’ll never share that with anyone else – not in the same way. Goodbye Ryan. Brad Thomas Ryan, its been 7 days since i found about your death. I thought after the 3rd day i would eventually come to grips with your being gone. Sitting here looking at your most recent comments and your newly posted pictures i find myself sobbing yet again. It seems that i cant stop thinking of you and crying. You had so much going for you and i depended on you for everything you did. You truely are a hero and mentor to me. I remember the first time we met. It was so funny to me looking back on it now. You answered the door to your condo and i remember looking at this really HOT guy, thinking in my mind, where is the old guy i am meeting. Then you spoke, I felt as though i might just faint. You truely where a perfect being. I couldnt even begin to take all this in. Soon after that night we began to hang out quite often, even date if you will. Who would have thought that you were an angel? I find that i have so much to say to you, but your not here to tell. I want so badly to call you, just to hear your voice again. I cant bring myself to delete your number from my phone and i dont think i ever will. Today, i saw a Eliment just like yours on the road, i found myself speeding up to see you, when i realized that you were not driving it. Luckly i was on my way home, so i could cry and no one would see. To your parents: My heart goes out to you, and i commend you for being as strong as you are. If there is anything i can do, please let me know. Ryan, this is not the end of me, i will be posting more soon. Love and miss you dearly! xoxo B. Eric Williams I was too overwhelmed at Ryan's memorial to speak and I'm finding that the writing of this simple note to be equally difficult. I was a part of Ryan's Palm, Inc. clan. I had the absolute pleasure of knowing and working with Ryan, developing software for Palm for the better part of 3 years. Those were three great years and as I think back now, I know that Ryan was a big part of that. After Palm closed their doors, a handful of us ex-Palm software geeks continued to keep in touch. We've been meeting every month or two for lunches in Seattle or Bellevue or wherever and Ryan always attended. I enjoyed Ryan's whit and humor, stories of travel, hearing about books, movies and food he enjoyed and his competitive nature. Competitive you may ask? Oh yes. Get Ryan on a paint-ball field with our French coworkers or into a session of Half-Life (a networked video game) and look out! Ryan also provided me with the SeaTac nacho tip and those nachos are the best. It is comforting to hear how Ryan was so deeply loved by his family and friends. Goodbye my friend. Rob Well were do I start? I called your number to hear your message. Acutely I called it a few times. I am tying to figure out what to say in here, and I want my spelling to be rite. Since u was would give me shit about my spelling and/or grammar when we would chat online. I found out this evening when I got back in from my brothers place. We had just talked on Tue about u coming to Texas to see me and hang out. As I said then you would see why I would brag about Texas and why us Texans where happy to be from here. You were one of few who would still talk to me during the elections when I said I backed Bush and would listen when I said why I backed him. (Not just because I call Texas home). I keep thinking if I would have stayed up in Seattle area for another month or two before moving back here. I might have made a difference in your life the way u made one in mine. You were one of vary few gay people I new that I like to hang out with and I knew u weren’t out for more as most gay guys. We talked for over a yr online before we even meet and had coffee at star bucks. Like I would say it’s always the if if if. I think this fucking sucks ass. I went out tonight to some bar after I found out, go figure. It sucks for such a nice and caring person. I have some of the text messages u had sent me when I was driving my truck around Seattle or down to Portland on a long haul. You where one of vary few people who would call me to see what hours I worked and how long I had been working that day. knowing I hate to use text messages u were one of few who would send me a message that I wouldn’t bitch about it since it was nice to have someone I could say is my friend and who wanted to know how I was holding up. I know you made my 20 hour days seem like nothing. You get used to the suck it up and press on. I really do not know what else to say. It hurts to think of it and all. I have some good friends that are on there second tours to Iraq and I know what it means to be without for I was born in the military and I was in. I could only wish I would have known the way u felt. Then I might have been able to help you in the way u had helped me in a way u might not have known u did. My prays and thoughts go out to your family to make it with the tryign time they have. Your friend always Rob Laura Valencia Ryan, you ALWAYS made me laugh when we talked and not once did I ever see your pain! Why, after the fact, do we wake up and realize the contribution people make in our lives. A wake up call I definitely hated to get. Scottie Ryan, I come to this page everyday and have been since hearin about this great loss. I loved you and I dont think that you really saw how much, I dont think that you realized how much you really touched my life! You were the first gay guy that i really got to know in seattle, you taught that not all gay men were alike. You also showed me a different side of seattle and the gay community. The people you introduced me too, were not like some of the other guys in the community, there was more to them then just sex and drugs. Because you brought me into thier lives, they accepted me and I thank you for that, they are all wonderful men, I see why you surrounded yourself with them. The one thing that keeps goin through my mind is that you were always SO wonderful to everyone and thinking back you never really thought of yourself. You were so involved in tryin to get everyone to be happy you left yourself out of the equation, You put on a face so that noone could see what was really goin on. Im sorry that I missed those signs (as I am sure everyone is).You showed me a lot that I never told you about or even really thanked you for, Im sorry. You are the one person that I looked up to and still do. I aspire to be everything I can be and you are the reason for that. In your letter you made me realize a lot of stuff about myself that I had forgotten. You said that you had lost that creavtiveness, I have too, but because of you I am goin back to what I know and loved. You have rekindled something in me that has been out for a while, thank you. As you were aware I am movin to san diego, you were all about me doin it, but what I never told you was that I was movin for all the wrong reasons. This past week with you in mind, I have truely found the reason(s) why I am moving, if it werent for you, once again, I would still be goin for the wrong reasons, now I go for the right ones! Thank you. To your parents, you have a lovely son and he has been an inspiration to me in many ways. My thoughts, my heart, my soul all go out to you. I know how hard it is to lose a family memeber. May you find your peace through this troubled times. S Dear Ryan, Your smile, your gentleness, your laughter, some pictures, a note, memories that's all I have from you and it's not enough to fill the void you left. I wish I could have seen what was happenning I wish I had been there then I wish I could have taken your pain away I wish I could have made you see how much you were loved I wish you had chosen to stay I take comfort in knowing that you found solace but still, I wish... Eric G Ryan, your story has touched me although I have only seen you in passing. I met you once briefly and remember thinking how happy you seemed and how you shined. I hope I learn to look deeper. Jeffrey Cameron Hollis Oh Ryan. You have always been there for all of us. My only explanation for what has happened - in addition to your letter - is we all relied on you too much to make us smile or laugh. Whenever we needed you, you were there in an instant. Not once did I ever hear you say, "I am too busy" or "I can't". Did we push you to this? Did we take you for granted? Did we not stop to listen or read your expressions carefully? I don't have the answers... I can't stop crying. Damn it Ryan, you should have reached out to me, or any of us. If only I had shared the goings on of the last few months of my life. You would have seen just how great yours was. Today I was at work and had to leave after looking at this wonderful tribute to you yet again. You made me realize that I must stop pretending that Pascal and I will go on happily. So I left work with you on my mind and have begun packing my life up to prepare for what lies ahead. I, although still sobbing and will continue to do so for some time, know that you felt overwhelmed by everyone’s perceived expectations of you and as a result you have chosen this departure as your last bit of advise for us all. That advice being.... Live our lives to the fullest and don't let anyone stand in your way. Anyone who reads this will be able to apply to this to lives as you intended. I am truly sorry you felt you had to take such irreversible measures to pass along your wisdom to us all. I will always hold you dear to my heart. This isn't goodbye Mr.. Brian M. Westbrook So ya, in the 6 days this site has been up there have been nearly 100 unique postings to this page. And they keep coming... Feel free to add your thoughts. (sorry about the duplicate postings all, I'll clean 'em up as I can)... --BMW. (ryankrobertson.com Webmaster) Tony Nodine I couldn't let this coincidence go without sharing with other friends of Ryan. I just read his suicide letter. My heart aches when I think of his lonelyness. I wish I could be there for Ryan when he was so very lonely. I wish this post to be heard with it's intended love - NO judgement - only the sorrow of opportunity lost. ========== From 365 Tao: Loneliness September 19 , 2005 Loneliness need not be despair. It could be an opportunity! Why are people lonely? It is because they feel no contact with anyone or anything else. They need to feel that they are valued, that they are a part of something, and that their environment will respond to them. When that does not happen, they feel isolated. One of the major strategies for combating loneliness is to have a mate and family. That is not always perfect, and the problems of a relationship and family sometimes outweigh the terror of loneliness. It is far better to be self-sufficient. Then whether one has loved ones or not, one will not suffer from loneliness. Some people claim that self-sufficiency is a myth. A person is a social animal, they declare; people cannot successfully live outside of some community. But that is not the correct way to understand true self-sufficiency. What we are referring to is a supreme sense of connection with oneself and the cosmos around oneself. This doesn't preclude community with others, but it does prevent the excesses and shortcomings that occur when society is one's only source of union. Tao surrounds us. One who is with Tao is never lonely but is an integral part of the natural cycle. In the same way that water surrounds a fish, Tao surrounds us. If we feel lonely, then it is only because we are forgetting how we are totally immersed in Tao. That is why loneliness can be an opportunity: It reminds us that we are dwelling on our own egoistic identity rather than on the support of Tao. ========== Michael Jouver Ryan, this has made me realize a lot of things in my life need to change. That there really isn't enough time. That I'm not 100% happy or satisfied with a lot of my life. I don't know if 100% can be reached, but I'll try my hardest. I now worry more than ever about my future in the world. What's next and when does it come? This has shaken me to the core and left a deep mark. I never felt that this would be something that would happen in my life or to someone I knew. Trying to move past the questions that torture my mind, I just try to remember and stay calm and understand. Ten years ago this would have been just as sad yet like with my father then, my childhood mind would have just blocked things out as it did. Now my adult mind is tasking me to deal. I love you so much, you made a difference. 'Its you that make the Prada look good.' Peace my brother. Matt Armstrong Ryan, I forgive you. Suicide is an explosion, and the fall out of your despair is raining down on us all. We're all taking a piece of it and making it our own. It is a zero sum game. I wish we could have done this for you sooner, and that you'd have made a different choice. Kyle Ryan: Collin and I went T-Shirt shopping at Abercrombie. Sales are already down, you ass. The downtown store is having a massive closeout sale and they plan to downsize to the first floor. Luckily, Craig is still around to keep Abercrombie Kids in business. In addition, you’ve forced quite a draw on the local liquor supply. I made the mistake of taking Collin to the liquor store and inviting Jeff over to help drink. But, it made for quite the party. To spite you (because we are pissed) we played your absolute favorite (not) Madonna tracks. Then, we had a little dance party. Jeff gave you a hell of a toast. More updates to come. More love than can be expressed - KYLE Chris Robertson My dear brother. The loss I am feeling right now has brought me to my knees and my world will never be the same. You were such a shining light in my world and I love you unconditionally. You are still my hero and I think no less of you now than I did before your passing. However, I do not agree with your most recent decision. I am filled with mixed emotions that come in waves that knock me completely off my feet. I so wish you could have reached out to all of the wonderful people who cared about you. The terrible irony here is that while you felt so isolated and full of self doubt, you were what most of us wanted to live up to. We saw you as such a beam of life in our lives and I aspired to be as full of energy and wit as you. At the funeral I was overwhelmed with the amount of people there and the love I felt from everyone in the church. This wonderful man was so loved and so cherished. I wish he was able to see in himself what everyone else could see. Oh brother, you will always be held deep in my heart and I will never let go of that. I miss you terribly. Like so many others, I too have waves of anger that hit me hard. How could you do this? You knew I was here for you. I told you so many times to call me if you needed to talk or needed help. I would have given my life at any moment to save yours. The best years of your life were ahead of you and you did accomplish so much in the decade from 22-32. You did have some wonderful relationships and life is worth fighting for. To all those who read this, suicide is NOT a solution. There are always people who can help you find your way if you only reach out to them (this was especially true in Ryan's case). If any of you need help with an issue like this, I am here for you and will help in any way I can. Chuck I came across the post placed on Ryan’s website this morning from Mr. Robertson (Ryan’s dad) and wanted to write a post telling him thanks for helping me out through his beautifully written word. I did not personally know Ryan; I’m a close friend of a good friend of Ryan’s. As I read what you had to say about a committed relationship, and found myself with my face placed into my hands and tears flowing down my cheeks, I realized just how lucky and blessed I am in my own relationship and with my own close friends . I’m a married man with three small children and have been going through a tough time; wondering many of the same things Ryan had wondered about. We all seem to go through this life looking for that moment of bliss and happiness. The problem is, we are so busy looking for what we think we want, we forget about what we have. We end up many times hurting those close to us as we are looking for that feeling of something new and different. We justify what we do by saying we need it to get us through. Or maybe we think if they don’t know, then nothing is harmed. The problem is though, the soul of our mate know... As sad as the death of Ryan is, it is through his death and the postings on this website that has saved my life, and my family. Wither we are gay or straight, I believe we all are looking for what Ryan so disparately wanted. To have someone committed to us for good or bad. To have a special someone that will love us no matter what life throws our way. Just to know they will always be there for us. But most of all, just to be loved and to feel worthy of that love… So I would like to say, Thank you Mr. Robertson; Thanks to all of you that have posted here. But most of all, Thank you Ryan for opening our eyes…. Yogen Ryan, I never knew you, but your leaving, touching some of my friends so deeply, has also touched me. You paid the highest price for peace of heart and peace of mind, but I trust you finally found it. I will miss you for the joy you inspired in the lives of my friends, and I thank you for the lesson in remembering to share my love with them. Tony Nodine To all, Since I can't communicate with Ryan, I'll mostly address this to the ones who love him. I worked with Ryan at Apple and had the rare opportunity to forge a friendship. He was committed and competent at his job. He was truly one of the Apple tribe; changing the world one person at a time. There is no doubt in my mind that conversations with Stone and I regarding The Road Less Travelled and Scott Peck impacted his life. It saddens me that he didn't find the same solace and the guidance that we have been blessed with. Stone and I have been so fortunate - I only wish Ryan had found the same. The advice from Ryan's father is solid. There's no greater experience in life than mutual life-commitment between two people. Ryan should have found better than the world we now live in. Ryan must have been in great despair to take such drastic action. It hurts me so much to know that he had no hope. Perhaps he will inspire us all to do and be better than we are. How can we be complacent with our lives when we have Ryan to remind us of the deep hopelessness among so many? Perhaps I'll see Ryan in a different existence. If not, some part of him remains with me, here on this cruel earth. I am harshly reminded that there's no end to the work of helping those in deep despair. Ryan, I loved you and love you now. Be peaceful with the truth that you made many of the ones you loved better people. We are all less without you. I hope to find you again somewhere, somehow. T Rick Fabrick Anger. It is so strong, but I know it will pass. The caring I feel for you never will. Blame. It was so strong. After your step-father told me what you did I thought back on your visit last month. I convinced myself that you had gone around to your friends as a plea for help. You were upset because people were too busy to take time off to be with you. I was too busy to take more time. I was blinded with sadness and anger. I blamed myself. I see now that that was selfish. You didn't visit us to ask for help. You had already decided. You visited us to say goodbye. Even in my anger, and through the tears I'm crying right now I thank you for that visit. I wish that you had given yourself enough time to visit all of the friends who loved you. I wish that because it would have taken a lifetime to do and you'd still be here with us. This weekend, after seeing all of the people in your life, all of the people you allowed to be your friends, the blindness went away. I saw how I was being selfish. I remember that we _did_ spend time together. We watched penguins waddle to and fro for miles upon miles. We walked among people and talked about our lives. We bought wallets and ate hamburgers. It was selfish of me to think that I was to blame (if even in a small part) for what you did. You had so many people in your life who loved you. An unbelievable number of people, from all around the world. We were all there for you Ryan. I wish I was back in college with you. We spent so much time together back then. Skipping database class, freaking out over a midterm or final. The email you accidentally sent to the entire class, explaining to me how silly our professor was. The possibilities seemed endless. Apple! Apple was right around the corner and all the excitement that went with it. That road lasted all too short. I saw your light dim tremendously. You went back up north. I remember hurting so much when that happened. But I know (and knew back then) that you were going back home. You missed Seattle and all of your friends there, terribly. You're father is right, and I know that you understood that. The problem is you didn't understand why you couldn't stop making the same mistake. You knew that it was possible. You saw it in Chris and myself. You saw it in Brian and Steve. Why you couldn't see it for yourself is beyond me. "Someone in the same place as you," that's what you always said, what you were always looking for. You just never looked for it in the right place. And even when you did find it in someone, at least the potential for it, you didn't believe in it. You didn't allow it to mature. You found faults. You found imperfection. The thing is, you _knew_ you were asking for the impossible, you said so. You just didn't allow yourself to be happy. You just couldn't stop yourself from pushing away the one you loved the most. From where you are now, I know you know everything. You know how much we love you. You know what was and is in our hearts, whether we actually said them to you or not. I find comfort in that. I'm still selfishly angry, but I know that will pass. Your loving friend Rick. Tony Nodine To all, Since I can't communicate with Ryan, I'll mostly address this to the ones who love him. I worked with Ryan at Apple and had the rare opportunity to forge a friendship. He was committed and competent at his job. He was truly one of the Apple tribe; changing the world one person at a time. There is no doubt in my mind that conversations with Stone and I regarding The Road Less Travelled and Scott Peck impacted his life. It saddens me that he didn't find the same solace and the guidance that we have been blessed with. Stone and I have been so fortunate - I only wish Ryan had found the same. The advice from Ryan's father is solid. There's no greater experience in life than mutual life-commitment between two people. Ryan should have found better than the world we now live in. Ryan must have been in great despair to take such drastic action. It hurts me so much to know that he had no hope. Perhaps he will inspire us all to do and be better than we are. How can we be complacent with our lives when we have Ryan to remind us of the deep hopelessness among so many? Perhaps I'll see Ryan in a different existence. If not, some part of him remains with me, here on this cruel earth. I am harshly reminded that there's no end to the work of helping those in deep despair. Ryan, I loved you and love you now. Be peaceful with the truth that you made many of the ones you loved better people. We are all less without you. I hope to find you again somewhere, somehow. T Mac What a touching tribute to someone that I didn't know, but only saw and knew of peripherally. I understand how he felt about the gay community treating each other badly, I too have felt that way too many times. I sought professional help to talk it out and eventually reached the point that I realised that we can't afford to let it bring us down, and the wait for the person that I am now with was well worth it. If only I could have helped him in some way, to reassure him that someone would have come along when he least expected it and then the days of being lonely are over. Maybe he knows all of that now and isn't so lonely after all, at least I like to think so. Nothing that I can say can express what the family must be going through and I know this because we lost our youngest brother some years back just as tragically and suddenly. I'm sorry. matt johnson ryan every time i saw you it was awkard and i avoided you, i never got to really have a relationship with but i felt like i was in your life and i frequently talked about you thought of you often, i was friends with so many of your friends, im sincerly sad that i never got to actually get to know you. the shock i felt when i heard even surprised me, i was stunned. im left pretty angry though, you have left so many of your friends and lovedones devistated and frankly you didn't have a good enough reason. i wish i could have somehow helped you find a reason to keep livving. this is all so fucking sad. that idea that he will never be back ill never see him again keeps hitting me like a brick. we will all miss you, matt Timothy Johnston Ryan, wow! I only just heard about you through a customer today, and in shock and tears I tried to make my way home. I had to read the article about you in 2002 all over again (you know me I keep everything) and check out this website, and watch my home videos which included you at some of my parties. Mostly, I keep going over in my head about some particular memories, like when I was so sick and homebound for a couple months, and you brought over all your favorite movies so I could watch, and spent many hours talking with me and keeping me company when no one else bothered. And then there was our one on one lunches where we'd catch up on where our lives were headed, I liked those a lot, I wish we'd kept doing it. And then there was just having fun dancing together on Sunday nights. So many moments in life that we had in common that made up our different journeys. I wish there would be more. In the last year we drifted. I missed you at my graduation party, you said you'd come, but didn't. I just wish you could have seen that all those conversations we had about me finally finishing my degree had been fruitful. I made it happen. It would've been great to see you smiling one more time. You are so much a part of my life and always will be, and I love you buddy. I hope you found your peace. ---Tim Harry Turpin Who knew that a smile so brilliant, an attitude so positive, and a kind word said about everyone was only a mask to hide deeper rivers? May your pain be gone and may your light shine forever on. May you dream you are dreaming in a warm soft bed May the voices inside you that filled you with dread Sound like thousands of angels instead Tonight where you might be laying your head. Before I left out of town this weekend I had heard of your passing. I knew I had heard that name many times before, but am better at remembering faces... hoped that the face behind the name was a stranger. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. I remember meeting you and thinking that you were a cute charming gent... always had hoped to get to know you better. I guess this is a reminder to make every moment worthwhile and enjoy really making good connections with the good people we meet. Live and love. Rusty Martin Ryan, what can i say that everyone above already has not said? I found out this devastating news this morning as I came into work. It pains me to see another great individual somehow slip away from us. I hope wherever he has gone that he knows how many smiles he was able to create on peoples faces and how many people he easily made feel important, that someone out there cared. You will be missed Jeff Days later I am still in shock. I had been frustrated with Ryan for the last few months. I saw him doing things that didn't seem to make sense; making decisions that didn't seem to make sense with where I knew he wanted his life to go. We talked over and over about this and I couldn't help but constantly feel as if I was being pushed away. Like others, I chalked it up to a 'phase' he was going through and that, of course, he would snap out of it. Ironically, on our last camping trip I was excited for him, it really seemed like he had "come around". How strange everything seems now that I look back on all of it. Reading his letter again and again, I keep coming to the one line in the descriptions of one of the songs he liked. He said how much he hated the gay community. The obsessions with sex and that people in the community didn't treat others as humans. At the service, similar sentiments were expressed in far less appropriate (to many of us) ways. And it is this one thing that has bothered me all day. I call bullshit. I call bullshit on that idea, on the letter, and on everything that Ryan felt he had to do. PEOPLE do things, communities do not. The people that I know and the people that I know Ryan surrounded himself with are some of the most wonderful people I have ever known, filled with love, laughter, and compassion. In my many conversations with Ryan I came to understand that he was reaching out for an answer to his pain. How easy it is to lash out at the people around you when it is the people around you who can support you. I so wish that Ryan had felt able to talk to us, me, anyone. He was a fantastic person who leaves me with a load of memories that I won't ever forget. But right now, I hate that I am left with so much anger. How could he give up? How could he, a shining member of this "community" beat it down with his final act? The many young people in Ryan's life do NOT need to see this as an example of how to solve a problem. I wish Ryan had the strength to look outwards towards the many people welcoming him to do just that. And sincerely, I hope the lesson in this is that life is worth going on for. For we are all connected to each other and one act like this, even with ALL the pain he was going through, is far less than all the pain he has caused. I do hope he has the peace he is looking for. But the first of us to get to heaven had better smack that boy upside the head. Gavin MacElwee Even though I only met you once, you have been a part of my life in a way that I don't know if you could have understood. Since I met Keau a little more than a year ago, my life has changed completely. As I read his comment below, the tears well up in my eyes because the things you did for him are the same things he has done for me in the time we have been together. And to this day, as Keau shows me the world and teaches me new things about life and love...there always seems to be a story about Ryan in there somewhere. We stayed up all night thursday looking at pictures while Keau told me stories upon stories about all the wonderful things you two did together...I didn't lose it until I saw a picture of you sleeping, curled up with the same little stuffed manatee that has comforted me for so long. To know that we had such a large part of our lives in common suddenly made me feel so close to you. This weekend, with Keau away in Seattle, I wondered to myself if I should be jealous of the special connection that the two of you had, but the thought only lasted a split second. The things you two shared helped make Keau into the shining star that has brightened my life...how could any normal person react with jealousy at such a beautiful gift. Thank you Ryan for the gift you didn't even know you gave to me. I can only hope to repay you by shining a little bit of your light back out into the world again. Frank Fuentes Ryan, I had no idea what you were going through. I thought you had just stopped talking to me because you were upset with me for something I had said. I had no idea. I said some things to you that I wish I hadn't said because they weren't true. I see that now. I'm sorry. I only wish we could have gotten closer because you are a genuine human being. The kind of person I've always searched my whole life for. Reading your farewell letter scared me at first, because it was like I was reading about myself, but now I see what I need to change. Thank you. I hope you have found the peace you have been looking for. I won't forget you. We only knew each other briefly, but I won't forget. Keau Katsunuma To my dearest Ryan. At first, I wasn't going to post a comment here because I felt that you wouldn't have wanted that, but after spending time with the dozens of people that called you a friend, I realized that for once, it wasn't about you. Instead, it's about helping others in a way in which you were always trying to help yourself. I hope that by your early departure, we can all look inwards and try to understand ourselves just a little bit better. You were my first true love. I remember the first time we met, in that coffee shop on Capitol Hill. I was so nervous! We had been chatting online and sending emails back and forth with a frequency that still blows my mind. In the two and a half years we spent together, you taught me how to love and be loved. You made me feel comfortable with being gay. You helped me come out to my parents. You showed me the world and helped me realize that being gay meant more than keeping up with dance remixes, fashion and striving for that unattainable body type. You helped me help you. You always told me that I taught you how to be a better son. You allowed me into your life and opened up your deepest darkest secrets. You welcomed me into your family and I got to meet just about every friend you had. I felt privileged to be the one and only person who was able to connect the pods. You taught me how to fight in what I believed in and to not let my insecurities get the better of me. You taught me how to put Keau first and most importantly how to love myself. It breaks my heart knowing that you were able to help me in a way that ironically was the one thing that pushed you over the edge. You will be missed. Even after we parted ways, you still remained a loyal friend. Heck, you loaned me a ton of money when I was unemployed and almost had my car repossessed! I will miss our text messages, our one-liners and funny zingers that cracked us up while leaving others scratching their head, and our esoteric and off the wall humor. Seattle has lost one of her brightest stars. You used to hate it when I would call you a pillar of the community, but that’s what you were. You have touched the lives of so many. I love you, forever and always. Your Loo Lair. Kyle Ryan: I’m sitting here at work, numb. I never told you how much I admire you. I always stood in awe of your life. You, Jeff, Chris, Craig and Rob are the reason why I moved to Seattle. I will never be able to express how thankful I am to all of you for helping me realize my true self. Unfortunately, I didn’t tell you enough. I didn’t tell you how much I admired your success, your amazing ability to make friends, your ability to attract anyone you wanted, your intelligence, your intellectual brilliance, your smile. Instead, I held off, too long, partly because I was jealous of all you had. I have emails from you in my inbox that I never replied to. I still have phone calls that I need to return. I couldn’t understand your pain, I wrote it off. I told myself that you would only be able to work it out on your own. I told myself you had the tools you needed to get through your pain. You will never know how much your struggle hurt me. Seeing someone I admire so much hurt so bad made me miserable, especially when you had so much more than me. But still, I never imagined it was this deep, that your sorrow was irreconcilable. I took a break, I stepped back thinking you would come around, that you would recognize your brilliant, irreplaceable and triumphant personality. You’re friendship will never be replaced, only built into all the friendships you’ve helped us form. I admire you and I always will. I will work until the end of time to reach the standards of Ryan. Love forever - KYLE Linda Robertson It's Monday and as I sit and read the adoring and loving accounts of your relationships with Ryan I still cannot wrap my mind around the tragic event of the last week. Please do know that your words while heart-wrenching do help and comfort us in what will no doubt be a long healing process. Firstly, my endless thanks to Jim Carter. His caring assistance helped us way more than he will ever imagine. You are all blessed to have him in your lives. And to Neal Ball who went out of his way to help us make some sense of it all and gave us an opportunity to be alone for awhile where he lived to really look at those things that he treasured and found comfort living with. I will forever miss the random and frequent phone calls in the middle of the day, generally from his car, that God awful car!, as he moved from place to place----no special reason, just to say hi, and now I know to touch and feel the love from home. I will miss our talks about decorating, plantings for his yard, recipes, wines and, ofcourse, clothes!!!! I will miss the smile on his face, the bounce in his step, his laughter, his endless wit, and forever teasure my Mother's Day card signed "From the daughter you never had!!" I am also grateful for the chance to see all of your precious faces in person. I have heard your names so often and I now know first hand the beauty Ryan saw in each of you. Let his life and death serve only to make you mindful of the importance of kindness, unity and selflessness. Let his light forever shine in your hearts, and think of his gentleness when tempted to be unfaithful or unkind. Think of us often as we will be thinking of you. And try not to be angry or discouraged. Use this energy to achieve all of the things Ryan so desperately wantd to change in this world. That is the best way to honor his memory. Our love to you all---Linda Craig Taylor Ryan, in all the many years I knew you, I never really understood the depth of your hurt and for that I feel that I have failed you terribly. I arrived in the United States nine years ago and met Ryan shortly after that. He quickly became my surrogate family and was the glue that bound my community together. There are so many memories and so many things that we shared that will make moving on and picking up the pieces so hard. The nights at G-A-Y in London, watching Westlife in concert at the Astoria, the trips to New Orleans, the Moscow ID trips, the days at the beach, the dinner parties especially will be hard to pick up again. For those who have never been to one of our dinner parties, Ryans version of hosting a dinner party was picking up some Colonel Sanders chicken and serving it at my condo. It took us a couple hours before we figured out that he had not cooked the chicken himself. That was just Ryan, and we loved him for it. Ryan was such a generous and kind individual that would go out of his way to help you. Not only have I lost an incredibly close friend but I have lost my one true confidant, there are so many issues and challenges in my life that I was able to share with Ryan and after sharing them they no longer seemed insurmoutable. He had a natural ability to comfort and re-assure one. Now that is gone. Ryan, you will be missed, not only by me or by your family or by the many many friends that have shared their feelings and thoughts on here, but you will be missed by so many more. You were a very special person, and in my heart and memories you always will be. Peace. Garry Hornbuckle I understand what it is to hurt so much you'd do anything to make the hurt go away, and so I can't blame you. I just wish you'd found another answer. I pray that you've found peace. I will always love you. R Clio Robertson I was unable to speak at the Memorial service so I am writing this and it is not meant to be judgmental in any way. I thank Jim Carter for a wonderful service. I am sure many of you reading this are gay. I am Ryans father and have a heavy heart overwhelmed with grief. Early in his life I knew Ryan was a different child and soon concluded that he was gay. It was not until 8 or 9 years later that he "came out". At that time he was full of apprehension and was sure I would reject him. I convinced him otherwise explaining I would always love him no matter what his sexual orientation and that it was my opinion he had no choice in the matter as it was a genetic development. I feel we became great friends in spite of the fact that we were 2000 miles apart and we developed a relationship based on these conditions and facts. I knew Ryan was in pain but had no concept of the depth of his pain. He desperately wanted to have a meaningful, loving, lasting personal relationship. He was willing to give himself completely to such a relationship if found. the problem is that he chose those far less mature than himself and I can't help but feel if he would have chosen those of his own age group he might have been succesful. Nonetheless he was not able to achieve his desire and became depressed as a result. This led to a feeling of inadequacy and self doubt about his personal worth. The amazing thing thing is that he hid it so well. On several occasions we talked about his dismay over the predominant lack of committment by members of the gay community. He was fearful of spending his life without a committed partner and thus felt isolated. My plea to you no matter your sexual orientation is do mot be afraid to make a commitment for a long term relationship. When you are young this does not seem to be important but when you are older it becomes very important as it is no fun growing old alone. In my occupation I see patients of all ages and the most desperate of those are the older alone people. Do not let Ryans's departure be in vain. Ryan was loving, caring, and sensitive and I could not ask for more in a son. Ryan I love you more than life and desperately miss you. I will always remember the great times we had together and your smiling face. Dad R Clio Robertson I was unable to speak at the Memorial service so I am writing this and it is not meant to be judgmental in any way. I thank Jim Carter for a wonderful service. I am sure many of you reading this are gay the hug you always wanted You loved without fear. It was others that failed you. The world is a lonelier place with you. I love you, Ryan. Eric E Thank you for your grace and beauty, my friend. Peace be with you. And may peace find me. Matthew T. Bridge Ryan-I only met you once or twice, however, I do remember you as a kind and warm person. Wherever you are, I hope you are surrounded by love and happiness. I knew you so briefly...I felt your eyes on me at that party, but consciously avoided meeting them. From the words in your letter it seems we may have been feeling the same way...insecure, and not quite good enough. When I caught your eyes later, I saw a cloud over them...beautiful pools of blue obscured by a smoky haze. I have to wonder...did those closest to you not see this? Regardless, you are now in that place of peace you've been looking for these 17 years. I regret not getting to know you better when I had the chance Ryan, and honor you for the lives you touched while here. Aaron Van Reenen Ryan, When I first met you... I saw something in you that made me happy. I remember thinking that you were one of the few good ones... A person with more to give the world than even you yourself could tell. I wanted to get to know you better. I thought I'd have the chance. I don't think that anyone knew the connection I felt to you. The day you left Rob's House in Spokane to fly home I knew something was very wrong. I wish you would have been able to talk about it. I wanted to be there for you. I hugged you goodbye as I would any friend who is hurting, and I thought I'd meet up with you later to see how you were doing. Sadly, that was the last time I saw you. I'm sorry I couldn't help. I love you, and I will miss you... Kyle Teater Frack Steve Atkins All I keep doing, is crying and saying "F**K" everytime I think of you, a place where we were or a place we had talked about going. I too, like Jim said at your service, had a HUGE crush on you, like most of your friends. I remember meeting you at a party. I don't really remember the party except that I remember seeing you, and bugged my friend to introduce me to you. That was almost 3 years ago now. That was the only time I can remember, that I bugged someone to introduce me to anyone, let alone a cute boy. I think I just stood there in awe. Petrified by the emense beauty that radiated from within you. We both did sorta an ackward dance about the kitchen but I was hooked! From then on, I tried so many times to get as much time with you as I could. I learned quickly it was going to be a battle. There were so many vieing for the same position in life. I'm sad, godah what a trite word. The word sad has no expression of the hollowness I feel. "F**K!" I remember walking the hill one evening with you shortly after we met. I was completely infatuated, we were exchanging our lives with eachother more and more with each rolling step. You told me of, what I would learn to be only one of many new thoughts/ideas running through your head. You had been talking with a close female friend for some time about having a child. Something that I had not expected to hear that night. Maybe it is not expected from many, I don't know. We talked about the ups/downs of it for a long time. It was incredibly daring and brave, I thought to myself. At that time, I was quickly becoming more enamored by your passions. Looking back, it too was maybe another way of seeking the validation you longed for. Ryan, I love you more than words can ever express. I'm sitting in my apartment looking over Elliot Bay as I write this. A view I wanted to share with you. I want you to know, that when your ready, I want you to come over and have that dinner we planned on. I hope you had a fun camping trip. Always and forever, Steve Jason Grunner I wish that I would have known Ryan better. I knew him more through one of my closest friends whom I had to break the news of his passing too. I'd talked to Ryan on numerous occasions and would have never imagined in a million years that his life would end this way. He always struck me as such a warm wonderful individual, and as many have mentioned had a wonderful smile. I see how he effected the life on one of my dearest friends and am sad at the loss of not having known him on that level. I hope with my heart that he is at peace now and urge everyone to never let a day go by when you don't tell those in your life how much their life means to you. Ryan it was truely an honor to know you. Andy Phillips My dearest Ryan, every time our paths crossed there have been some fun times. I will always remember flying to New York the most, it just goes to show what a small world that it is. As I read these wonderful thoughts from everyone I see there are so many in the world that cared for you. I hope that this and all the great thoughts everyone is passing on to you reach you in your new place. Until we someday meet again, be well and be at peace. Gregory Cook San Francisco, New Years Eve 1996 and in walk five guys to a party I was attending. Garry & Ken then there was Tony & Stoney, and an adorable guy named Ryan, who had no date (lucky for me). When midnight arrived Ryan and I rang in the New Year. Through nearly 10 years we've always had some sort of bond. Maybe it was because his birthday was December 11 and mine was December 13 and we were both Sagittarian's. Maybe because we're both from Washington State, he from Bellevue me from Spokane. Maybe it was our mutual love of Erasure, or perhaps it was because we're both gay. In any event we were both powerfully affected by each other. The radiant smile that so many of you have already talked about was genuine, but not the thing I remember most. The Ryan that I dated was the guy who was always giving, even going out of his way to give. The guy who accepted you NO MATTER who you were, where you came from or what you looked like. Ryan cared about All people. Ryan had some sort of keen understanding on just how and when to use his engaging smile to cheer you up. Always looking to better himself he would often be sharing with me a quote from "Care of the Soul," "A Road Less Traveled," or "Conversations with God." We had the same taste in books too. **smiles** We both wanted to grow, we both wanted to share our growth and see others grow. It saddens me to know I won't get to see any more growth from him. I recall one day we went out for a walk and I asked Ryan why he was so conflicted about being handsome. His response was "Gregory, I want them to know what's beneath the shell." Ryan has always carried a certain amount of anguish due to his good looks. Although I never understood why, because I loved looking deep into his blue eyes, and I knew there was indeed much much more to him. Ryan, I guess you won't be coming to visit Atlanta like we'd planned. But I know how much you hurt, when you want people to see more that we perceive. Guess what Ry, they do, they just don't tell us that they do. The day you pushed me away and said you no longer had use of our friendship, tore the hell out of me. I felt betrayed because, not only did I love you, but I understood you. Or at least I thought I did. (I may need to reconsider that again.) But somewhere you realized that you had more to learn from me and welcomed me back. Thanks for that, it makes writing this a bit easier. Knowing that we again had a friendship makes me very happy. I just wished you could have shared your pain with one of us, so we could have comforted you. Dearest Ryan just know that even if your time here was more brief than we would have liked. You were here for a reason, you made a difference in everyone you encountered. You will be etched in my memory as the guy who always strived to be a better person. The reason for your existents was to remind me to always strive to better myself. I pray your pain has stopped. I now have an aching pain knowing that you're no longer here to send me a damn birthday card. I love you very much Ryan!!! ~Gregory Si Si Ryan, I will miss our peanut butter and bannana smoothies. I am very sorry. I wish you were still here. I wish there could have been something done that might have changed your mind. You were such a great and wonderful person. The more days that go by and I realize that you are not existing on this earth really hurts. I never understood why people said that suicide is bad because everyone that is left without you has to go through such pain, but I think I do now. I always thought that if I did it to myself then people would be sad for a little while and then get over it. That is not true though. We were breifly friends but this is something that I will never forget or grieve over. I don't know where you are right now. But I really hope that you are happy. Dustin Musick Ryan... it's funny, as i was reading what Joe Randazzo wrote, i remembered a time or two that we went to that taco time and you called and said hello to him. it was also at that fine establishment that i received the call from your aunt telling me what had happened. babe, you mean so much to me. over the past three years, i have absolutely cherished all the hundreds of hours spent with you on the phone, text messaging at work, or sitting on that comfy red couch chatting. i want you to know that you were the only person who kept me sane and happy in seattle. i would've been lost without you... and now i do feel a little bit lost. the funeral today blew me away. i had never met your family or your friends and the outpouring of love on your behalf was amazing. i won't be able to step foot on the hill without thinking of you and smiling. thanks for the time and love you gave me. you'll always be my little satsuma. miss you dustin Janet Fort Ryan, your friends around the world will miss you forever. I write to send condolences to your family and close friends in Seattle and to keep this webpage filled with warm wishes for you to be in peace. I do wish that will all of this love you could've found someone to turn to. I've known Ryan for a few years and his visits to Toronto were always welcomed with open arms. He was a refreshing person in this world. There are too few of you left. Christopher McNeil Ryan, when the news arrived in California I was more than shocked. I wish that we could have had more time together. Since you met Rick and me back in College, you have always been a good friend. I admired you and your talents. The world is at loss with your passing. I will have this emptiness deep inside for many years to come. I am sure that you did not decide to depart to hurt anyone, but the hurt feelings I have today hopefully will also go away in time. Your family was blessed to have you in it, as I and all your friends were too. If you have the chance and want to come visit me, please do not hesitate. I would love to say good-bye to you personally. But if this is not in your capibilities, I will totally understand. I Love You and will miss you very much! My only hope is that you have met the peace you were seeking. Thank you for being a part of my life! Christopher Uncle Rick Lind (Robertson family) There was so much love at your funeral I wanted to harness it all, beam it to Heaven and have you ride it back down to us so we could give a great big hug one more time. What has give me comfort in the past, I will share it because I believe this is how Ryan would want you to remember him: Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep; I am a thousand winds that blow; I am the diamond lint on snow; I am the sunlight on ripened grain; I am the golden autumn rain; When you wake in the morning hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circling flight; Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I will miss you always, Uncle Rick Jason Rukman What where you thinking to leave? I want you back. This is the craziest thing i've ever seen happen and I just don't get it. Everyone has such deep open hearts for you i don't understand how you got so lost with life with such a big strong support team around you. I loved sharing great conversations and fun times as we wandered around Seattle goofing off from work; i've known you for a long time and you've changed my life and my view of the world incredibly; i hope the place you are going on to is what you hoped for. Jonathan Rodda RyBo, Sweet Jesus Babe, I don't know what to say other than I love you and I wish I had more time to learn from you. Although our year together was hard at times I look on it as one of the best of my life. You taught me so much about being gay, myself, love, relationship, Sea-do-ing, Food,....I wish you were still here to share those things with all of us. I'm sorry I was so young and immature when we were together, believe me I know how much you had to try to make things work sometimes, I am so thankfull that I was privledged enough to have you in my life.I know in my heart that you made the decision to do this so long ago and no one would have been able to stand in your way, but that doesn't mean I'm not pissed at you for leaving us. "hold on to the night there can be no shame" Erasure will never sound the same without you asshole and this world will never seem as sunny, I love you with all my heart and I will miss you terribly. Take care of yourself wherever you are kiddo, And wherever that is I hope to god they have a T-Dance for you, Goodbye Pooh-bear Joe Randazzo It's funny, as I sit here writing this, I'm looking out my window at the Taco Time on 15th and Madison. Ryan would call me every, and I do mean every, single time he would frequent Seattle's most prestigious eatery. I live in the building right next door. He would always call and say "Joe Randazzo, you will never guess where I am right now!" He got me every time as I always answered thinking maybe he was off in some travel excursion YET again. His response "Dude, I'm looking in your window. IM AT TACO TIME!" Begin ritual of opening blinds, see Ryan in his crazy Pope-mobile shaped car and his double handed wave to me. Ryan will definitely be missed and like everyone, I have so many questions. I'm just glad I had the chance to get to know him and be apart of such an amazing person's life. This may be wrong, but, when my best friend Angie passed away 6 years ago, I wrote a song for her. As music is such an integral part of my life and how I find solace through almost everything, I wanted to post it here for folks to listen to. It always helps me remember how much I loved my friend and friends. http://www.joerandazzo.com/ryan/01%20Almost%20There.mp3 Today, it's dedicated to you. Ryan, I love you man and I know you know that. Joe Jonathan D. Ryan, when i first meet you 2 years ago, one of the first things I told you was "You are so beautiful!" I still mean that. The last two days have been really hard on me but I know that you are ok now. I will miss your text messages, your smile and just about everything about you. I never truly realized how important you were to me until it was too late to tell you. I'll see you later gator. Kevin Bostrom Life is just too damn short and fragile! I just found out last night and have been reading people's reactions online. If Ryan didn't know how much people loved him in life, I hope he realizes now. I also hope that wherever he is now, he is happy with his decision and has no regrets about his life. Unfortunately, I only got to hang out with Ryan a couple of times. The rest was random encounters out and about. He is a great guy and I am sad that I didn't get to know him more. Much love to him, his friends and family. A Friend of a Friend The Lord was his shepherd, now Ryan wants not. He walks among green pastures, beside the still waters, with a peace that surpasses all human understanding. He has been restored, and his cup is running over, as he shared in life, so can he within his new life, with friends "we" can only long to see, Ryan now taps glasses. For surely the universal goodness that was inside him, and followed him, all the days of his life, dwells now, with him, and Ryan will be there waiting, at the switchboard, to greet us, when we finally transcend this life. william Phillips Ryan I remember the first time that we met in san francisco.......we joked and made fun of alex!!.........I loved you from that moment on. I just want to thank you for being an amazing friend to alex, his sense of loss is huge. we spent 2 years apart travelling between london and san fransisco and I know how much you helped alex through the weeks we spent apart. I am so glad that came to london and we I was able to show you my city. you were an extremely beautiful person in many ways and I am sorry that you never saw that in yourself. I know how much alex saw it and so did I in the short time I knew you. love and memories william xx Neal Ball Oh Ryan, I miss you so much. You have been such a wonderful neighbor for the past 6 and a half years. Miller Place is the fine community it is today because of your generous support. I could always count on you for your support no matter how difficult the task. I last spoke with you Tuesday morning and you seemed fine. Maybe I didn't look hard enough to see your agony. I will keep your kindness and good heart with me always. Alex Coupe Ryan Sweetie Darling, I can't believe I am writing this, I don't want it to be true but unfortunately it is. You opened your heart to me and shared with me your deepest feelings and your fears in life and I know how you struggled honey. You were always trying to "find your self" and in the end I hope you found that place. Our friendship spanned many years and there was one thing I could always count on, no matter the time of day or time zone for that matter you were always there to listen. I know you joked about suicide but never in a million fucking years did I think you would do it. I don't pretend to know what was really on your mind, but I do know this Mr. Ryan. Every second of your life was a testament on how to be a friend, how to be loving how to open your heart and how to show everyone that no matter what you could be counted on. I've never lost a close friend before and I never thought I would be getting a phone call that in one second changed my life and changed all of our lives. It was so nice to know you Ryan you were and will always be one of the best friends I have ever had. I will treasure all of the memories that we shared together Ryan. I don't know how to say goodbye because to say that would mean I don't believe that life ever does end. I don't know what’s on the other side, but I hope for your sake it has freed you from the pain that you were having here. You are the best Ryan Robertson; I only wish that you had known that. Loving you always kiddo. Alex PS. I would really like to here from you guys in Seattle and other places please call me here in London 44 20 7515 6306 Chad Well I have known Ryan for at least 2 years and he was one of the nicest people i had ever met here. I enjoyed hang-out with him!! When him and i had time it is hard to think of this world with out Ryan here.. When ever we chated online, phone, or in person he was there when i was having a bad day.. Thats what i will miss the most about him.. I wish he was still here to say hi or just to see how i was.. I will miss him dearly and to Ryan i say I love you and Miss you greatly.. theres nothing that i can do know but hope that you have found peace.. LOVE YA Ryan Josh Dear Ryan, I don't understand, but I hope that you are at peace. I wish that you were still here. In hindsight I wish that our interaction was different. I wish that you would have said more and I am so sorry. I miss you. Josh Andrew Ryan, You finally stopped thinking of others and put yourself first for once, and look what happened. You always were better at taking care of others than you were at taking care of yourself--it's how you were able to reach out and touch the lives of so many other people. I still can't believe you're gone. I called you to see if you'd answer, texted you to see if you'd reply (like you usually do within a minute or less), but I still haven't heard back from you. Having people move away from you is difficult in and of itself, but at least then you can rest assured that at least they'll still be around in some shape or form. In this case though, you're gone for good, and it'll be an especially difficult hurdle in life to clear. No matter how much time passes, all our lives will forever be scarred. When I spoke with you last Tuesday and you were telling me that you were "at Starbucks planning [your] life," I had no idea that this is what you had in mind. As they say, hindsight's 20/20, and I suppose that if I looked closer, I might have been able to suspect that something was up. I suppose that with all the hatred, selfishness, and greed in this world and life, we just weren't ready for such a great, selfless, and caring person like yourself to come along, which is why you deemed it necessary to move on. I'm grateful that I had the pleasure and privilege of knowing you in this lifetime. Love, Andrew Melana Kipp You touched the lives and hearts of all those who knew you. Everytime I saw you with my brother I was happy you were there. Personally I did not know you all that well, yet I cannot seem to stop crying, for I know how far reaching your smile was - and the thought that none of us will ever see that again saddens me. We do, however, have the memories and laughs that are in our hearts. You were an amazing man who touched the lives of so many people. Jason Dombek I never knew Ryan well, as I knew him through a close friend of mine. But every time I saw him, he was always a pleasant fellow and carried a great smile, as many others have noted. Despite the fact that we did not know each other all that well, he never hesitated nor failed to make me feel welcome when visiting with him at his condo, or sitting down to a meal with him at the Broadway Grille. I regret that I did not know him better, but I regret more that he stole from me the chance to do so. I don't get it, Ry. You seemed happy, you didn't seem to lack a single thing. You were very intelligent, you had many friends who loved and adored you, you were healthy, sexy, and you lived quite comfortably. And though part of the way you lived comfortably may have been mere fluff, it's not as if you were lacking anything you wanted or needed. You had the ability to be a better, more mature person if that's what you wanted. Why say 'to hell with it' and end your life instead? That's not fair to yourself, nor to anybody that knew you. You robbed yourself of decades to come, and robbed your friends from knowing you any longer. That's incredibly selfish, and I'm confident I'm not the only one that's furious about it. Others that knew you better, I'm sure more so. Why? There was help if you wanted it, and plenty of friends to listen if you had cared enough about yourself - and about us - to share. Even if I didn't know you that well, I'll still miss you, and it is quite painful to think about all the others who were even closer to you who are hurting so much more than I am. I regret what you did, but regret can't turn it around. I wish you'd pulled through instead of ending your life, but wishing won't bring you back. I will miss you, and even though I didn't know you that well, I know now that I loved you, because it hurts to dwell on the fact that you are gone and that I will never see you again. I wish I could be in Seattle to say my goodbyes, instead of studying in a country on the other side of the world. I feel helpless that I can't be there to help any friend of yours - though one in particular - to pull through this. I wish I could see you one last time and say goodbye, but I can't. I suppose I'm lucky to have the chance to do it here. Ryan, you were a great person and could have been ever better. I wish you'd have realized that. I will miss you, and it was nice to know you. Goodbye. Jason Triolo I just heard about and don't want this to be the same Ryan that I knew. But this page proves me wrong. Ryan I already miss you, we all do. You showed me truly how beautiful a person can be. I met Ryan back in 1994 through Kelly Scott and my job, lost touch over the years but thanks to the power of internet, he came back into my life in 1999 and will forever be there. This past year has been a crazy one and I will regret brushing off a 'ccffee time' one time to late. Keep all the boys in line on the other there and we'll meet again one day. I love Ryan buddy. -Jason (Jayboy) Kelly Scott I adored Ryan unreservedly for 13 years. However little I saw him some years I always felt incredible joy when permitted to… Some have said he was pleasant - and he was, always. To hear him on that __(#@_#)(_# phone talking either to you or anyone was to hear much laughter, and to be irresistibly made to laugh oneself. Some note his smile – god it was great and ever there. No one has so far noted how gorgeous he was and should. And he was hot, sexual, and sexy. He could pick up a beautiful man or boy at will, charmingly. And his style… he decorated himself and his condo with both taste and flair. An endlessly pleasant yet also steaming hot man with taste and style who could make others feel joy…. And Ry was complimented and affirmed in all this, as our ‘community’ is wont to affirm such… But for Ry this was no real favor, because one absolutely key thing about Ry was that Ry was not this mere fluff. He was not mere pleasantries, smile, laughter, sea-doos, Pottery-barn condos or being ‘hot’. Summing him up as such is insufficient and does not identify the source of pain. Ryan wanted to be and act as a mature good man, and knew in his heart what one was. One tiny example: while some people in our community are left alone because of their looks, or their weight or age, or HIV infection –-Ry didn’t let tem alone, going out of his way to talk with those left out, or on the edge, not out of condescension, but out of recognition of fellow humanity… and out of a desire to be a good man. He was doing that at 19; he was doing that at 32, he was growing, pushing learning…. And one could learn some about him looking at his library too. But being so constantly affirmed in such mere fluff held Ry back, and he knew it, and despaired of being what he could be… …so much more. Skyler may be presently sorely wounded, but he also enjoys the highest compliment Ry could give anyone: ‘he makes me want to be a better man’. If some find these comments insulting, they certainly are not of Ry, nor would he find them so, but hugely laugh that they may be of some. Damn I loved and admired AFSI (Apple Faggot Slut Intern, a bit of an inside joke), and looked forward to him at 40, 50, 60, beyond the fluff and muck of this ‘community’, but with no less a crystal clear laugh, and still giving such joy. And damn I am laid low, unmanned by the loss of him, as should be any who knew him. The only saving grace is the assurance that I will be able to kick his ass when next I meet him. Hear that, Ry? Char There are angels in this world who are actually walking down here among the rest of us. They are the people who have that extra something...Their eyes light up when they speak to you and make you shine, their smiles warm your heart, their presence makes you feel happy and honored to know them. Ryan is one of those angels. I am fortunate that he touched my life. To the sweetest heart...you were loved, you are loved, you will always be loved... I've only met you on a few occasions, but you always struck me as someone who was in touch with something greater than the rest of us.... Robin LaChance Ryan was actually the first person I ever met in Seattle, back when I still lived in Denver. He was nice enough to let me crash with him for a few days and show me around the city that has become my current home. I remember how he drove EVERYWHERE we went, which made me think that Seattle is a whole lot larger than it is. In the last year we drifted some, since I'm rather quiet outside of work, but I still looked forward to running into him when I'd go out, and just chat to see how he had been doing. It's still not feeling real to me, like it's all some big misunderstanding. I'm going to miss you Ryan. You showed me a social and outgoing side of Seattle, one that I'm too quiet to have found on my own. Jamie Palermo Ryan had an amazing way of making those around him feel special. I always looked forward to seeing your familiar face when out with my friend Jay. Thank you for your kindness and acceptance. I hope you know how much it meant to me and thos around you...i miss you Hunter Ryan, I only had the oportunity of meeting you times, but the stories and things people say about you stand true. You are very inspirational to many and will be missed dearly. I will always remember the contagious smile and laughter. You will be missed but most of all always remembered! Paul Skavland Ryan was my first (and best!) boyfriend. The love I have for him is special beyond words. I was willing to experience the hatred and rejection of others because I knew the love I felt for him was not something I would ever be willing to hide. As we grew up there were times when we were close and times when we were distant, but he always called me or sent me a card on my birthday. His ability to love and care about other people was huge, his heart was so open. I feel privileged to have known such a pure and genuine person. I can't express how sad I am ... not only have we lost the beautiful and sweet man he was, but the world is without the amazing person he could have become. Ryan, I only wish you could have seen how many people your life touched, perhaps you could've reconsidered. I can only hope that you have found the peace you were looking for. I will love you always and I will cherish your wonderful, adventurous spirit and keep it inside me forever. -- Paul Brycen W. Hunter I was just getting to know Ryan K. R. He was extremely nice to me and pretty much always has been even when I was an asshole way back in the day. And lately we began to start hanging out. We had coffee and he was perfectly fine and interested in talking about World of Warcraft when he didn't even play it simply because it was something I was interested in and passionate about. We were going through the same sort of troubled feelings and had a lot of common ground for being guys who just met and started hanging out. God, I wish you hadn't done that man... I really wish you hadn't. I feel deprived of knowing someone special. Dustin Hauck Your smile was so amazing. So big and contagious. I am forever going to miss seeing you come in to the Grill every Sunday with your family. No madder how shitty my day was going, seeing your smile and getting a hug from you always brightened my day. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family now, and trust your smile will live on in the hearts of everyone you left behind. I Love You, and thanx for the Absinth. Brittin you are beautiful person ryan. both inside and out. your smile lives in us forever. i am blessed to have had whatever i could of you in my life. rest in peace and smile forever. Justin Shrader Ryan, What is there not to say about Ryan! He was by far the most wonderful friend anyone could ever have in a life time.. I met Ryan through mutual friends at a party. We would hang out on occasion and he surprised me each day how compassionate he was. He never said anything bad about anyone. I will miss him sooo much, I love you Ryan.. Love ya buddy. Scottie What can I say Ryan was one of the best people that i have ever known. He was one of the first people that I met when I moved to seattle, I will always remeber how thoughtful and kind hearted he was. The first time I met him I fell for him, those beautiful blue eyes and that amazing smile. No matter how bad of a day I was havin you always knew how to make it better! I love you baby, you know that! *kiss* Ishmael Burns I met Ryan a few years ago and he was always in a good mood with me. We went to Coastal Kitchen or Machiavelli often and we always made lots of noise and laughed. He appreciated my hometown SF, apple computers and other nice toys. I can not believe that I wont hear his infectious laugh again or chat with him online about silly things. I will never forget you Ryan, you were by far one of the nicest outgoing people I have ever met. I will forgive you for taking yourself away from us all. Like everyone else, I can not begin to fathom why you did this, but I know you are super intelligent and did what you felt passionately that you needed to do. I will never forget about you Ryan and will see you when I'm done here as well. Now im gonna listen to a song that always made me think of you and now always makes me think of you and cry. A1- Caught in the Middle -Ish Julian Skonberg Even though I didn't know you so well, I will always remember your brilliant smile and how much those around you loved you. May you find peace and light in your journeys through Foreverland. Brad Thomas Ryan, I will never forget you and your smile, the way you were always on your phone and your water not far away. We spent a lot of time together recently at your house and on the sea doo. I would never change the time we spent and hope, now your in a better place. I love you so much! one last thing. "your pretty", and " I voted" xoxox Brad Kyle Potuzak Ryan, I will always remember you for your wonderful smile. You will be missed by so many. -Kyle Kyle Teater I would like to stress that all are welcome at Ryan's service. Please forward the announcement to as many friends as possible. Ryan was unforgettable and as such, he made an impression on many people; whether for 25 minutes or 25 years. Mikey Mo Ryan. I only met you at parties. May your soul be at rest and may you greet your friends in heaven with a smile and a hug. Like you always did. BMW Sorry Ryan, you kept your friends apart too long to not be together now. Kevin Hansen Of all the people I have known in this life, it is always the ones you least expect that decide not to go on. You were so full of life all the time, quick to laugh, caring and intelligent - I cannot fathom what caused you to give up. We had grown as far apart as we had once been close, but that doesn't mean I had stopped caring. You chose to move on to a better place before your time for whatever reason - and just this once - I will forgive the fact that the rest of us are now forever deprived of the fire that was Ryan Robertson. We have been left with our memories of you, and your spirit will live in within all of us that you touched. Go in peace my friend, I will catch you on the flipside. A brief moment of The Simpsons - which we loved so much together: Bart: "I never thought it was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows." With all my heart, Kevin Marcus Bateman I can't say I knew Ryan as well as many of his closest friends but I knew him to be a very nice, caring guy. Time would pass, as it does, in between times when I would see him out or at QFC or online and he would always take time to say hello and ask how I was doing. He seemed so selfless and more interested in what I had been up to than telling me about what he had been doing. That is what I will remember about Ryan, his caring nature, along with the times I spent with he and his friends at Kyle's apartment laughing and getting to know a great guy. He was always so much fun to be around, someone that knew him for just a small amount of time could vouch for that. Your friends will miss you Ryan, some things are hard to understand or explain but I hope you're at peace. Gio Ryan was in love with my dogs. He came to their birthday parties and routinely threatened to steal them :-). I will always remember him sitting on my bedroom steps making out with Gatsby, in a world all their own. We're really going to miss you, Ryan. Jeff Albertson Ryan and I grew up in the same Bellevue neighborhood and were classmates at Bellevue High School, where he made the difficult but courageous decision to come out in the early 1990s. A number of people responded to this in cruel ways, and too many of us - myself included - failed to insist that Ryan be treated with respect. It was a hard time for him, to say the least. After high school, I didn't see Ryan for many years, until I ran into him one night at a gay club, Neighbours (probably 1998 or '99). In the intervening time, I had come out to myself and others, which greatly surprised but delighted Ryan. Since then, I've run into him numerous times, out and about in Seattle, at parties hosted by mutual friends, and most coincidentally, in the lobby of the Marriott Marquis in midtown Manhattan last January. Every time I saw him, I marveled to myself at how the skinny, quiet, picked-on kid I remembered from high school had blossomed into a confident, outgoing, gregarious, warm, intelligent, attractive man, with a large circle of close friends who I know are feeling this loss in a profound way. I'll miss you, Ryan, and when I think of you now I'll always carry around a few regrets - regrets about not standing up for you when I should have and could have, about not discovering your amazing qualities earlier in life, and about not making more of an effort to reach out to you once we reconnected as adults. But all regrets aside, I'm so happy to have known you. My thoughts and best wishes are with Ryan's family and friends as they grieve his loss. Armando Gonzalez Having known you the past 6 years seems like a long time for some and yet it really wasn't. I will treasure all the laughs and smiles we shared. Thanks for being there to chat when no one else was. -Armando G. Michael Jouver Looking at the picture on the site, I still cannot believe that he's gone. When I first met Ryan, I didn't realize how I would become to interwined into his life and his in mine. He was and is one of my best friends in Seattle, one of the closest gay men in my life and someone I would gladly call a brother and stand up for. The moments we shared were great and he will live on in stories, memory, spirt etc. I loved him with all my heart and wonder 'what, why, how' if there was something to stop it, help him, but it is done. We can only learn and live on in his memory. Making sure that this does not happen to another friend, brother, lover, parter or whatever they may be again. His hugs here some of the best in the world. His eyes told you how great and kind of a person he was. His voice made even the most stressful situation relax. His humor was effortless and infectious. He gave so much more than he really took or care to say he wanted. I could type forever and go in circles about this great man and talk about all of the greatness that is Ryan Robertson. We must ban together and celebrate his life and ensure that he lives on and this does not happen again. Skyler Leonard Losing you, and going through the last 24 hours has been the hardest thing I've ever done. At times the pain is so much that I wish we had never met, but in my heart I wouldn't trade the happiness we shared for anything in the world. You are the most amazing person I've ever met and I will love you forever. I'll never fully understand why you spent your last night with me and why you shared with me the things that you did, but I am so sorry if I failed you. I'd do anything to go back to tuesday morning and never have left you. I said it to you on tuesday but I want you to know that I will always love you. I'm so sorry Ryan. I miss you Paul Soto My dearest Ryan, the world is at a real loss without you! Everytime I hear any song by Erasure, I still think of YOU! Ryan taught me that life is all about having A LITTLE RESPECT for eachother. I first met Ryan when I was 17 (imagine that ;). 14 years later, I've seen him progress in life and knew that all along he would always be there for me if I ever needed a shoulder to lean on. Ryan always had such a beautiful glow about him and he was pretty damn sexy too! Ryan, I miss you and love you - you are always in my prayers. -Paul Soto Mike Sheehan Ryan, I miss you so much. I will never get the chance to show you just how disappointing I can be ;) Just as the picture shows, you had an inspirational smile and outlook. I hope I'll be able to forgive you for taking that away from all of us. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to cry and really understand just how important friends are. I hope you have the peace and happiness you deserve and desire. Jeff As I think a lot of us are feeling, I am very confused about what has happened. Ryan was a close friend to me and a close friend to countless people. It was part of what made him who he was. I know that I will always keep his contagious laugh and beaming smile with me as a reminder that life IS worth living for. We'll miss you Ryan more than you could ever know. Whitney McGill We have all lost an incredibly special and generous man, but one who left so many great memories. My world will never be the same without him, but it has been so better because of… David i woke up this morning thinking that the events of the past 24 hours were all a dream. i reached for my phone and dialed your number... your voicemail told me i was wrong. and i was woken up by the realizations and could not stop crying... Collin Hinshaw I can't begin to tell you just how much fun I had with Ryan.I took this picture outside in Moscow, ID, which I was so happy to be a part of. The expression on Ryan's face says it all; fun-loving, smiles, and great attitude. On a personal note, I never had any more fun working and laughing with you, you always kept me smliling!!!! I love you so much! " hardcore baby!!!!! Brian M. Westbrook We love you Ryan... This site is a place for the friends you left behind to share their thoughts, memories, and comments. Look for additional photos [submit yours now] and any relevant news to be posted here in the coming days... I'll never be able to drink orange juice again without thinking of you. *lick* --BMW (aka. "Bri Bri"). |